Pre-op Jitters?

I'm not exactly sure how to put into words all that I've felt over the past 24 hours, but I'm going to try.


The clear liquid thing didn't really start bothering me until about 3:30 this afternoon when I was physically hungry.  I had sugar-free jello and water and clear juice and black coffee (ok...so I added sweetener - but it was allowed), and still I. was. hungry.  I waited for a while to make sure what I was feeling was physical hunger and not my mind playing tricks on me.  And then I got a bit...what's the word???  Moody.  I can't describe the mood really.  I wasn't mad.  I wasn't sad.  I was just in a funk.  


Then a little after 4:00 I got this overwhelming sense of ... well, it wasn't fear or anxiety... it was just an overwhelming sense of overwhelmingness (I tend to make up words when I don't know how to describe certain things.)  It was so overwhelming that I had that, "oh my gosh I'm going to cry" feeling.  So I closed my eyes and took several deep breaths.  I let some truth accompany the air that entered my body.  Truths like, "You will be fine...God is on your side."  "You are not in this alone."  and "You can do this!"  Seriously, I was much better afterward.  No tears even left my eyes!  


I found that whole thing a little odd, because I really am excited about tomorrow.  And I don't feel like I'm stressed about it at all.  I've had a few people say things like, "I don't know how you can do it." or "Glad it's you and not me."  But even that doesn't bother me.  I know that the strength I'm getting is from the Lord.  I certainly know it's not of my own! 


Tonight is a bit better.  I say a bit because I'm not on the verge of tears.  I heated up some chicken broth for dinner and CME took the kids out for sushi.  Though I know there will be plenty of times that they will eat things I can't - CME thought it probably would be best that I not go tonight.  I think he's right.  My emotions are a tad on the fragile side.  I'd like to think I could handle watching them eat a meal that I'd love, but I'm quite okay not testing it tonight.  I'll have plenty of tests later.  Packing my bag for the hospital was even a difficult task for me to complete.  Not sure why, but I struggled with what to put in.  I was consciously telling my brain: 2 pair of underwear... 2 pair of socks...2 t-shirts...comfy work-out type pants...contact solution and holder... then in the morning... tooth brush and toothpaste and hair brush.  Do I pack my blow dryer?  Of course I don't pack my blow dryer - I'm not going to use it.  Or am I going to use it?  Oh gee... blow dryer or no blow dryer? (for the record...no blow dryer, but I threw in a head band and a pony tail holder.)  


Add to that figuring out how to get kids where/when; who to have CME notify once I'm done, opening my refrigerator and cabinets multiple times to try to decide if I have enough stuff for my post-op time home.  Realizing I've still not finished my 2-week meal plan and that I've got to use that special soap and bathe tonight and in the morning...and...and...and...


Luckily I have a ton of prayer-warriors lifting me up before our King.  I've had multiple text messages and calls and know that each person will be praying for me, for the doctors and for my family.  I couldn't have a better group of people surrounding me with love.  I am blessed!  


I'm planning on making it an early bedtime tonight.  I think the extra sleep will do me some good.  But my plans don't always go that way...and who knows if I'll sleep anyway or just lay there.  We'll see...


I was reading a book on my Kindle and one of the things that stuck out to me was this line, "Your mind is the biggest weapon in your arsenal for this process."  And boy is that true!  I've actually found myself having stupid thoughts like, "if I had <insert non-clear liquid food here> then I wouldn't be able to have surgery tomorrow...is that so bad?"  Seriously.  I. want. this. surgery.  Why is that thought even there?!?  Why have so many destructive thoughts been allowed in to my mind over the past decades?  My mind is a weapon and it can either be used in my defense or used to destroy me.  When my mind focuses on God, then it will definitely be used for my defense.
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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

How About Apple?

So I wasn't too fond of trying to use the Kindle to blog, so I downloaded the Blogger app to my iPhone. This seems a lot easier! No bold or italics that I can find, but this will work while I'm in the hospital.

Today is a day of clear liquids. I made my jello last night and bought a variety of clear juices to get me through the day - and of course I have water!

Fire Test

I'm testing my blogging abilities on my Kindle Fire. It mat not be all fancy, but I think it works. Woohoo! This will take a while to get use to.

It's On!

I have been super giddy today.  I'm pretty sure my co-workers wanted to punch me or something, but I couldn't help it.  I'm excited!  I'm so ready for Wednesday.  My appointment with surgeon went very well.  I was down another 6.3# making my total weight loss so far 25.4#!  I shared that news with a few people today and had one person actually say, "If you're losing weight without surgery, why are you having the surgery?"  All I can say at this point is that I am the queen of weight loss.  I KNOW how to lose weight.  I've done it a bazillion times.  What I've not been successful at is maintaining and changing lifestyle/habits.  This "tool" will force me to change my lifestyle.  No more cheating, no more binge eating, no more hidden snacks.  And I'm totally okay with that!


CME purchased a couple of books for me to read along this journey:  Emotional First Aid Kit: A Practical Guide to Life After Bariatric Surgery and Recipes for Life After Weight Loss Surgery. I shared those with RD and LCSW, who thought they looked like good tools for me.  


So, avoiding that "last meal" mentality didn't totally happen.  There was something that I really wanted for dinner tonight.  Dolma! (aka stuffed grape leaves)  My Turkish daughter was a total sweetheart and made some homemade dolma and homemade hummus for dinner tonight.  My "last meal" left my boss at work pondering what was wrong with me.  He asked, "You mean you don't want a big fat juicy steak?  A bone-in Rib-eye???"  Nope.  Didn't even sound appealing.  I wanted dolma and hummus!  I got dolma and hummus!  And it was delicious!   

As the time is drawing nearer, I am amazed at the peace that I have with this whole thing.  It is truly a peace that passes all understanding.  Thank you, God!
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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

On Fire!

I'm on Fire!!!  With Mother's Day right around the corner and AFTER my surgery, CME decided to go ahead and give me my "Mother of my Children" present (since I'm not his mother!).  Much to my surprise, I was given a Kindle Fire!  I'm stoked!  Two things...first, I'll have something to help pass some of the time at the hospital and second, I might be able to update my blog (once I figure out how to work it) from the hospital! Woot!


I've got an appointment with surgeon tomorrow for final instructions, blood draw, etc.  It's almost here!  I have to be at the hospital at 0630 on Wednesday and the surgery will begin at 0830.  From what I've been told the procedure will take roughly two to two-and-a-half hours then an hour in recovery.  If all goes as planned (and I'm planning for no complications) I will be released from the hospital sometime Friday.  


Tomorrow, I want to sit down and make list of my meals for the first two weeks at home.  I really don't want to have to think about what to fix while I'm trying to adjust to everything. I actually want a menu waiting for me when I get home!  Please pray that I will have the motivation to get that done!!!


I'll do my best to get an entry on here as soon as possible after the surgery, but make no promises it will happen while at the hospital.  Though I'd like to think the new Kindle will give me the ability to do post right away, I don't want to make that my focus.  


Speaking of focus, I've had several people ask me if I'm nervous or anxious.  And truly the answer is no.  Yes, there are still some unknowns, but I'm not nervous or anxious in the least.  I'm amazingly calm.  I do believe it's because I am focusing on God's plan for me and this journey.  His plan to heal me...from obesity and from the emotional and spiritual mess that I've made of my life.  I believe His word that says, "And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns." ~Philippians 1:6 (NLT)

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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

What are YOU wearing? - Guest Entry

I'm new to the the whole "guest entry" thing, but because of a special and "anonymous" friend, I was directed to a post from Cindy at the blog * She Sparkles *.  It's a new blog for me and one that I'm going to add to my "good reads" section.  Cindy has a great entry that addresses how God sees us - something we need to not only read, but believe!  She has granted me permission to add it as a guest entry so that you, too, can hear the truth!  So thank you, Cindy B, for sharing God's heart with us all.


PS - Anonymous - though we may not talk, God has definitely connected our hearts and lives.  You are loved and prayed for daily. 

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What are YOU wearing? - by Cindy Bultema

As I was rummaging through my closet today looking for a Spring-like outfit to wear, I was reminded of my blog post on our "thought closets". It made me stop and ponder on what I was REALLY preparing to wear..and boy do I have some work to do!   Enjoy this mid-week repeat!

Hey Friends ~ 

What thoughts have been rolling around in your mind these days??

A Bible study I'm studying by Jennifer Rothschild (Me, Myself, & Lies - it's awesome!) encourages us to think of our thought life like a closet. 

Our thought closet is designed to host the mind of Christ. 

We cannot allow it to become cluttered with wrong thoughts or words or ill-fitting labels.

What's hanging in your closet??

For many years, my closet was filled with rags and hand-me-downs labeled "Not good enough", "Unloved", "Rejected". 

And then I met Jesus. (Can I get a "Woo Hoo"?!)

Jesus ripped down the old rags (that were never meant for me to wear), and exchanged them for beautiful, glorious garments perfectly designed and hand-crafted just for me. 
"Loved", "Beautiful in His Sight", "More than enough", "Redeemed" now hung in my new and improved thought closet.

Unfortunately, every once in awhile, I pick up an old rag and bring it in. I walk past a magazine with a mom of 8 kids in a bikini on the cover (although she had a tummy tuck!) and add "fat girl" and "unlovely" to my closet. 

I flip through Pottery Barn catalogs, and suddenly "not good enough" becomes wrapped tightly around my waist.

I see pictures on FB of friends hanging out together, and I slip on "alone", "not wanted", "not loved".

If I'm going to be the victorious, powerful, fruit-bearing woman God has called me to be ~
I must not allow that old rag to hang in my closet for even a moment.

One smelly lie can start stinkin' up my whole thought closet. It must be removed. Confessed. Replaced with God's Truth. Immediately.

 

Today I choose to fill my thought closet only with Truth.

I will meditate on Colossians 3:12 and clothe myself with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. 

I will live on guard to the enemy and his schemes. 

I will ask God to help me keep my thought closet clean and orderly and pleasing to Him.

I will live loved.

How about for you?? Are there any old "rags" hanging around that need to be tossed out? 

Is it time for a new garment....or maybe a whole new wardrobe? What's in your thought closet these days?? 

Thanks for stopping by *She Sparkles*! Have an amazing, liberating, Truth-filled day!

P.S. One of my most popular handouts is called "What is True to Me According to the Scriptures". My mentor Mary gave it to me years ago, and I try to pass it out every where I go. May I send you a copy? Please leave me your email address, and I will be sure to digitally send a copy your way!

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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

Where Have You Been?

"Where have you been?  You've not blogged for a while."  Someone asked me that tonight.  Ok, not really. *I* asked me that tonight!  How has over a week past and I've not put anything out here?  Nothing.


Well, I've been busy!  Really, I have!  Since my last entry, I've been to a Boy Scouts Moms' meeting, a dance performance for my Turkish daughter, went shopping for my soon-to-arrive grandgirl, went to my daughter/grandgirl's baby shower, saw the Broadway version of Young Frankenstein, had dinner with CME and some friends, added a 5th person to our household (for how long is unknown), enjoyed my youngest son's musical at church and my oldest son's fine arts night at school.  Add to all that the Mom's taxi service and work and church...  Yes, life's been busy.


I have tried some different ways to incorporate the protein into my diet.  Discovered that the unflavored protein added to cottage cheese doesn't really taste differently, but the consistency was slimy.  Didn't care for it at all.  Strawberry Sorbet protein added to a bottle of crystal light lemonade wasn't bad.  A bit strong, but wasn't hard to get down at all.  I like the idea of adding it to my water.  It's like killing two birds with one stone.  


I had to see my PCP today.  I have a stupid infected ingrown toenail!  I can't get on any closed-toe shoes without a bazillion twinges of pain shooting down my big toe and into my foot.  PCP put me on an antibiotic to at least clear the infection prior to surgery.  It's a royal pain.  I called bariatric center today and talked with nurse.  She agreed that I needed to at least have it looked at and to get on antibiotics if need be - and then I can discuss it with surgeon at my appointment on Monday.


Tomorrow I've got a "phone appointment" with the hospital's pre-admission department to gather pertinent medical information.  It should be quick since I'm really pretty healthy other than my obesity (and stupid ingrown toenail!)  I wan't to spend some time at some point this weekend going back over my education manual and actually preparing my first two week's menus.  That may seem a little silly to do, but I want to focus on recovery after the surgery rather than the "what to eat" part of it.


When I started this journey, I made a promise to myself and to some others that I would not just get my body healthy, but that I would get my emotional and spiritual health better too.  I've worked on it, but know that I still have a long way to go.  I still find myself wanting to believe the lies and insecurities that have been a part of my being for so long.  I often refer to the lists I've made to contradict those lies - I need to remember who God made me to be.  Still, some days I am weak.  Some days I fall back into old habits without even realizing it.  So I'm still asking for God to heal that part of me as well.  Healing takes time and I am so thankful God is patient.  He is truly my rock in this life. 


So yeah, life's been busy but it keeps moving on. This time next week, I will be post op 1+ days!  It's hard to believe that it's almost here!  I am tremendously thankful that God has been and will continue to be with me through this journey.  He is good, always!
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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14