Thanks A Lot Carnie Wilson

That was my thought around 3:30 this afternoon.  "Thanks a lot, Carnie Wilson!"  

I'll be honest and say that I was more than frustrated while in the breakroom at work to prepare my afternoon snack of PB2 and mashed banana.  (Did you all know that I really like PB2?!?!)  On the counter was some leftover food from a luncheon today.  Sandwiches, chips, cookies, etc.  I didn't hear the first part of the conversation, but two other employees (one male / one female) were discussing carbs and needing to lose weight etc.  Then this comment by the female caught my attention: "Well, the risks far outweigh the benefits!" The guy jumped in with, "And it's not permanent anyway.  You can stretch your stomach back out.  Look at Carnie Wilson.  She gained all her weight back. Even had the surgery twice."  

I looked up from stirring my snack and really REALLY thought about joining the conversation.  Yet, I didn't know these two.  I didn't want to be THAT person.  And I wasn't really sure that I wanted to be judged for the decision I made to have gastric bypass surgery.  So instead, I listened as they continued.  The snippets of "My doctor would NEVER recommend it - it's too risky." and "Sure, she'll lose weight, but it's highly unlikely that she'll keep it off." and "It will be interesting to see how she does." (pretty sure I knew who they were referencing...) made the hair on the back of my neck stand on end.  I was mad!  I was mad that they are not well informed.  I was mad that they were so judgemental.  I was even mad at Carnie Wilson!  

Then the thought occurred that maybe, just maybe, they were a tad "jealous" (for lack of a better word) that someone else had the courage to battle their food addiction head on.  Maybe they secretly wished they had that same courage but are scared (regardless if it was through gastric bypass intervention or not).  I remember days like that.  When I'd make comments like, "I could never have gastric bypass..I'm too chicken!"  And I remember my post from a few days ago asking that we (weight loss surgery patients) show grace to people like these two.  So I finished making my snack and left them to carry on without my two cents.  (I'm quite sure they would appreciate knowing that I had a filter in place this afternoon!)

I want to reiterate something I've been saying a for a while and something I remember MD telling me very early on in this journey.  This surgery is not a cure all.  If I didn't (don't) make permanent changes - physically and emotionally, then I will not succeed.  I cannot (and will not) try to speak for anyone else on why they may have gained most or all their weight back.  I am not privy to their personal lives.  What I can tell you is that this process is not an easy process.  It is not the secret weight loss miracle everyone is in search of.  It's hard work.  Emotionally you MUST be ready.  You must be willing to address issues like emotional eating, binge eating, all that excess baggage that you've picked up along your way to the point you decide to have surgery.  The surgery alone will not "fix" your food addiction.  The surgery alone really won't even touch the surface of your food addiction.  You must be willing to take responsibility for your actions and you must be willing to make permanent changes.  You must have accountability.  (My blog is part of my accountability...if that makes sense.)  If you are considering this surgery, be ready to address all of that...and more!  YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR MAINTAINING A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE.  Not the doctors, not the surgery, not the dietician.  Not your family and friends. You. (Me).  

So thanks a lot, Carnie Wilson, for helping to remind me that I am responsible for how I use this tool (gift) that God has given me.  I will not take it for granted.
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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

Normal

Who has a normal BMI?  This girl!  That's who!  As of this morning, my lovely Wii advised me that my BMI is "Normal"!!!  Say what?!  Normal!  Barely normal, but normal nonetheless.  First time to be at a normal BMI in my entire adult life!

Oh yeah!!  Oh yeah!!!  :::happy dancin'!!!:::

PS...the over use of exclamation points is a direct reflection of how excited I was this morning to see "normal" flash upon my TV screen.

PSS...my "before" BMI was above 40.  Dangerously obese.  Another reason to celebrate normal!

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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

A Couple of Things to Share

Oh where to even start?!?  A few things I wanted to get down in writing today, but I'm overly tired from a very long Saturday and the words just aren't flowing like I'd like.  So I think I'm going to just makes some random paragraphs... (hey...it happens!)

"Don't lose any more weight."  "You've lost too much weight."  "You're too skinny."  "Are you about done losing weight because you're getting too thin?!"  All comments I'm hearing recently.  I totally and fully understand that these comments are coming from well intended hearts.  They're not criticizing, they're coming from a place of concern.  Once I tell them my weight (currently 151.2) and say, "If you didn't know me and saw me, you'd not think, "oh!  that girl is too skinny!"  I'm at a good place.  I'm at a healthy weight.  Do I know if I'll lose more?  No.  It's not even been 12 months since surgery.  There is a chance I will still lose weight.  I just don't know.  Regardless, I'm at a healthy spot now.  What this does bring to light is that it's not only MY brain that has to be retrained on what I look like, but others' brains as well!  People have only really known me 100+ heavier, so the contrast (especially for those I don't see often) is a bit alarming.  The only part of this whole thing that bothers me a little is that I feel the need to explain the days I'm overly tired (like today).  Looking tired probably adds to their concern.  But the tiredness is not related to the weight loss - yet I feel I need to explain it.  -shrug-  It's okay.  I know that the comments are out of love.  I'm blessed!

Support group on Tuesday night was a blessing as well.  My friend "M" (that I met because of this blog) was there and is looking fantastic.  She looks healthy and happy and it was good to see her!  It was "show and tell" night and we all got a moment to share our stories and before and after pictures if we had them.  I took a few pictures...a couple from a trip to Cambodia in 2009, one from the summer before I embarked on this journey and one or two others at what was probably my very heaviest.  There were reasons I chose each one...but the main reason for the Cambodia trip pictures was because it was a VERY difficult time in my life for a lot of reasons.  Mentally the trip was horrible for me.  Physically, not much better.  There were some really good things that happened, don't get me wrong, but literally, it was the first time that I KNEW people were laughing at my weight.  How did I know?  Because with their pointing fingers and laughter came the words, "You so fat!"  Or there was this little bitty old Cambodian lady who literally started pinching my fat rolls.  It was horrifying!  In their defense, I (now) know they didn't know any better.  In their eyes, I must be wealthy because I had money to buy a LOT of food.  I also remember feeling bad for the elephant that I rode through the jungle.  I actively searched out the smallest team member to ride with hoping it would balance out the weight enough so the elephant would be ok.  True story.  Regardless, I look at those pictures now and realize that God has freed me from those lies.  I am no longer trapped by the embarrassment and shame of obesity!  

Speaking of support group - met a new friend.  I'll call her "K".  I loved hearing her show and tell story.  She openly talked about God healing her mentally/spiritually in order for Him to heal her physically.  I was beaming with excitement just hearing her speak of the power of Jesus Christ!  She also believes that the bariatric center we chose is wonderful on so many levels.  She calls it the "wrap around" program (or something like that) because they address every area...the surgery, the emotional/mental side, the nutrition.  I have always given them a lot of credit...and rightfully so!  K and I stayed around a chatted after support group was over.  Wow!  She's a wonderfully motivating person and I am thankful she decided to join us Tuesday night!

Temptations have been presenting themselves to me a lot lately.  Maybe they're not new, maybe I'm just more aware of them the farther out from surgery that I get. Regardless they are there.  Most days, I do really well in fighting them.  Other days it's a struggle.  (This is one thing K and I discussed.)  Again, I find myself tempted to pick up old habits.  In talking with K, I said something that was a revelation to me.  I believe Satan would love for me to fail at this.  Not only so he could whisper his nasty lies to me and hold me in bondage again, but I believe it's because I've been vocal about this being God's victory in my life.  If I "fail" then people may wonder how powerful He truly is.  Let me tell you this...if *I* fail, it wouldn't be because God isn't powerful.  It would be because I chose to not rely on His power.  There's a huge difference!  For the record...I have absolutely NO intention on failing!

Part of my tiredness today is because of a very full schedule yesterday.  I was up at 5:15am and left the house at 7:15am then didn't get back home until 1:30am this morning; then had to be up and out of the house by 7:00am today!  Except for the hour and a half that I was home yesterday afternoon...making a chicken salad...we were on the go non-stop.  Freshman Orientation for our oldest son was good for him, but a long repetitive experience for CME and me.  The thing I took away this time is that the school's latest Newsweek ranking is #7 in the Nation and #1 in the Midwest.  (I don't remember what it was last year...but pretty much the same!)  Anyway, after that we helped finish getting things set up for the 911 Gives Hope Guns & Hoses charity boxing event happening later that night.  A notable NSV for me came as I (literally) ran up the stairs at the Ford Center multiple times over the afternoon and evening...without even being out of breath!  These aren't some little stairs... this is an arena... tall... lots of steps.  Yeah...I did that!    

Some really proud moments watching CME and our oldest walk around with their VIP Passes.  It was a great bonding time for them as they were able to talk with the fighters, hear the pep talks, etc.  For an almost 14 year old boy, I don't think it gets much better than to feel extra special as your dad's sidekick!  For CME, I think it was a proud moment to be able to introduce our son to so many from the local police/fire/ems community.  Our youngest son was camping with Scouts - so it was good one-on-one time for the oldest.  After 12 rounds of police vs fire boxing, we helped tear down and count remaining merchandise.  Though it was done in record time, it was approaching midnight when someone suggested we all go to Steak and Shake.  Though tired, I was okay with going.  These are people that CME works with as part of the 911 Gives Hope Board...and it's good to be able to sit down outside that venue and share some "friend" time.

My final thought on the night is a victory that I'm claiming!  As the 15 of us are sitting around Steak and Shake, I really thought I wanted the Cheddar Scrambler.  I thought I wanted eggs...and cheese...and well, it just sounded good.  Know what I ordered?  A banana.  Yes, I went to Steak and Shake and ordered a banana while everyone else had milk shakes and burgers and fries and chili and eggs.  Yes, I had two bites of CME's meal (it had eggs!), but I enjoyed my banana!  It tasted good!  It was a sweet victory for me -  may seem like a silly thing to be excited about but I am.  It's the little things that make me smile some days.  Today, it's a banana...
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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

Thoughts and such...

I realize that I've not blogged much this month.  Part of it was intentional.  Part of it was to stay away from the internet and electronic world as much as possible.  I didn't want to lose sight of the meaning and season of CHRISTmas.  I didn't want January 1 to come and wonder, "Wow...did I truly focus on CHRIST?"  I'm glad I used my time in other ways, like family game nights and crafting gifts as well as more time spent in the Word.  However, I do think I missed blogging.  Sometimes it's just nice to get thoughts and such out of my head.  :)

So let me try to remember things I wanted to say...

The Pits - I was struggling.  Really.  Did you know that armpits (ha!  fooled ya!) are concave and that when you shave them, it's not a guarantee that you'll get all the hair if you're not paying close attention?  I didn't.  I didn't have any idea until I was drying my hair one morning (after having just shaved the pits) and realized I had missed a whole section on both pits!  Whole. Sections.  Why?  Because my pits are no longer like little mounds under my arm...they are truly pits.  Go figure!

Coffee - One of the things I was concerned with prior to surgery was the ability to drink coffee post-surgery.  I'm not going to lie.  I missed coffee for a while.  Now?  I don't.  Why? I'm drinking coffee.  Not nearly as much as I use to (3/4 of a pot a day might have been excessive to begin with) but I am enjoying it one cup at a time. CME got me the family a Mr. Coffee single serve coffee brewer (Kuerig K-cup compatible) that I use daily. Love the variety and the single servings!

Clothes - had to break down and go shopping again. I had one pair of pants that actually fit.  All others were too big.  I bought mostly size 12 pants, but did find one pair of size 10 (TEN!!!) jeans that fit too.  Most shirts I wear now are a medium.  I can't wrap my brain around that size. LoL  Really!  I look at the shirt and think, "there is no way that will fit!"  But it does.  SO strange, yet SO exciting!

Weight - I've not weighed in over two weeks now.  I'm not sure why.  I don't know if I'm afraid of what the scales will say or if I'm just not as interested in the number.  (I'm thinking it's more of the fear factor.)  I plan on weighing on Sunday.  That seems to be my "weigh-in" day.

Exercise - still my nemesis.  I've not been to an exercise class in nearly 2 months. TWO. MONTHS!  I really do like the Body Pump class.  I just need to get back into the habit of going.  I've kind of fallen back into the old habit of "I'm too busy" when in all honesty, I'm choosing not to go.  This will change...I cannot do this without a consistent exercise plan.  And by do this, I mean make this a life long change, not just another temporary weight loss.  Exercise will be key!!!

Shrinkles - UGH!!!  That's what I think about that!!  The excess skin is nasty.  The droopiness of it all is frustrating.  Good thing I can hide it under clothes!

Food - I made it through the CHRISTmas holiday fairly unscathed food wise.  I made lasagna for our family gathering and ate the stuffing out of it.  I chose to avoid the noodles so I could have more of the good stuff!  A couple moments of, "I wish I could have a little of that" hit me...like the banana split cake or hot wassail my dad always makes.  But for the most part, I didn't feel cheated by not eating the other goodies... fettuccine alfredo, fudge / candies, cookies, etc.  Well, I did have 1/2 of an oatmeal cookie my sister made...she made them with Splenda.  :)  I haven't measured/journaled nearly like I should and I haven't gotten my protein in while on break this week.  Both of those need to change.  All in all, food was not a focus for me...praise God!

Rings - One of the "smaller" features for me were my hands.  At my largest, my ring fingers were a size 7.  That's not big for someone whose weight once topped 300 lbs!  (did I just admit that in writing?!)  I really didn't think I'd lose weight in my hands.  I was wrong.  A few weeks back, I went to wave at a friend and my wedding rings slid all the way to the top of my finger!  That was a clear indicator that I needed to have them re-sized!  I was amazed that my ring size is now a 5.5.  Though I could wear a 5, getting it over my knuckle was painful so I opted to go for the 5.5 so it wouldn't be uncomfortable this summer.

Reflections - literally.  Every now and again, I'll catch a reflection in a window and have to do a double take to realize that it's me.  What stands out to me are my legs.  I'm use to seeing LARGE legs in a reflection and when I see them now, it shocks me.  My legs aren't large anymore and I can even see my knee caps when I'm sitting down.  Defined kneecaps.  Crazy!

Reactions - I'm still not use to the reactions of others; people who haven't seen me in years; people who had no idea I had surgery.  I enjoy their kind words and compliments, but I find myself blushing at their "oozing" comments.  (Let me clarify that...these are comments from women! LoL)  Also, I'm sure CME is tired of some of the questions he gets asked, "What about your new skinny wife?"  "What do you think of her weight loss?"  He is so sweet in his responses, which are usually as simple as, "She's the same person to me."  or "Her weight doesn't matter to me."  He rocks.

Pictures - I've finally started to recognize differences in pictures.  Sometimes I see it when it's just me in the picture (like the one below that CME took while I was making my sister's Christmas gift) but I mainly see it when looking at pictures from this time last year.  I find it hard to look at the before pictures knowing that those are me!  I don't even recognize myself in those.  I guess I truly didn't see that version of me. 

CME - I can't blog about this journey without acknowledging the incredible love and support that I've gotten from my husband.  From the first time sitting in the informational meeting through every step of this process, he has been amazing.  He may not always understand how I feel or how some things affect me, but he has always been loving and supportive.  I am so blessed to be his wife!  143 CME!

So there's some catching up for the month.  I have said this before and I will continue to say it.  God has given me the strength to pursue this journey.  He has continued to open my eyes to His definition of healthy and He is the one who deserves the glory for the successes I've experienced.  I can't imagine how anyone goes through this life...this journey...without Him!

Now...here are some pictures to help me see the difference a year can make.  

Working on my sister's necklace

December 23, 2012

Christmas Eve 2011 - Notice me trying to "hide" behind the boys as much as possible.

With my oldest (and gbaby!)

Christmas Eve 2012 - what a difference!  Not hiding and look at how tall Parker has gotten!!

My every day hero!!!  <3

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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

The Difference A Year Makes

I was glancing through some old pictures and ran across some from this time last year.  Oh my!  What a difference a year makes!  I am so thankful that God gave me the courage to pursue gastric bypass surgery!

November 5, 2011

November 6, 2011

November 22, 2012

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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

A Matter of Perspective

I've found a good online forum for weight loss surgery patients.  It's always nice to hear the perspective and experiences of those who have gone through the same procedure I've gone through.  I like to read about their success stories, their NSVs and often I'm able to truly relate to their joys and their frustrations.

Tonight I was chatting with someone who had surgery about 2 weeks after mine.  This person has lost more weight than I have and I almost let those, "Gosh darn it! Why can't I lose weight fast?!" emotions creep in.  When I was asked how I was doing, I shared my sleepiness and hair loss concerns and made mention that I'm losing weight slowly, but am happy that I'm losing.  I noted that I'm averaging about 3.5 lbs per week and really had thought it'd be more significant than that.  And then came the words that put it all into perspective for me.  "Keep up the good work.  3.5 lbs per week is over 180 lbs per year!"  Wow!  I needed to hear that!

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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

What's in a Number?

As I've whined about previously, I've been stuck on the fact that I don't like the numbers I'm seeing on the scales.  I. want. more.  This past week I had an appointment with surgeon.  I expressed my discontent with what the scale was seeing and he smiled.  I know he's heard that before.  A LOT.  But then he said to me, "You are well within the normal range.  Stop looking at the number.  I know it's been the focus your entire life, but trust me!  You WILL lose the weight if you follow the plan.  Do you feel better?  Are your clothes getting loser?  Stop looking at the scale!  My goal is not to get you to a certain weight.  My goal is to help you get healthy."  Admittedly, that's not easy for me to do.  He's right. The number on the scales has haunted me for the majority of my life.  It's what the world focuses on when it comes to weight loss.  But it's also been almost a relief not to focus on a number.  He did also recommend I try to up my protein a bit as it may help in the loss, but he basically told me to be patient.


All that being said, I did weigh myself this morning.  Basically just over 5 weeks out from surgery and 25# down.  I guess he's right.  If I follow the plan, it WILL come off.  But more than that, a sweet friend reminded me last Sunday that God made a way for me for this surgery to happen.  I was able to keep my job which in turn meant keeping my insurance which allowed this surgery to happen.  He is faithful to finish the work He has begun in me!  He promises me that! (Phil 1:6)  This journey is not just about me.  It's about the work that God is doing in and through me.  At the end of the weight loss journey, I am confident that He has bigger and better things for me to do.  I don't know what that looks like now, but I do know that He's making it possible for me to get there!


I'm thankful for the loss of 25# since surgery and 50# since January.  I'm thankful for friends with encouraging words.  I am thankful that I can eat tasty foods from a menu (albeit small amounts).  I am thankful that God has provided me a way to pursue this surgery.  I am thankful that I am fearfully and wonderfully made!


Now on a funny note ...I found this on the forum I frequent.  It made me chuckle.  In total, I've lost a small bale of hay - or a toddler since surgery!


1 pound = a Guinea Pig
1.5 pounds = a dozen Krispy Kreme glazed donuts
2 pounds = a rack of baby back ribs
3 pounds = an average human brain
4 pounds = an ostrich egg
5 pounds = a Chihuahua
6 pounds = a human’s skin
7.5 pounds = an average newborn
8 pounds = a human head
10 pounds= chemical additives an American consumes each year
11 pounds = an average housecat
12 pounds = a Bald Eagle
15 pounds = 10 dozen large eggs
16 pounds = a sperm whale’s brain
20 pounds = an automobile tire
23 pounds = amount of pizza an average American eats in a year
24 pounds = a 3-gallon tub of super premium ice cream
25 pounds = an average 2 year old
30 pounds = amount of cheese an average American eats in a year
33 pounds = a cinder block
36 pounds = a mid-size microwave
40 pounds = a 5-gallon bottle of water or an average human leg
44 pounds = an elephant’s heart
50 pounds = a small bale of hay
55 pounds = a 5000 BTU air conditioner
60 pounds = an elephant’s penis (yep, weights more than his heart!)
66 pounds = fats and oils an average American eats in a year
70 pounds = an Irish Setter
77 pounds = a gold brick
80 pounds = the World’s Largest Ball of Tape
90 pounds = a newborn calf
100 pounds = a 2 month old horse
111 pounds = red meat an average American eats in a year
117 pounds = an average fashion model (and she’s 5’11”)
118 pounds = the complete Encyclopedia Britannica
120 pounds = amount of trash you throw away in a month
130 pounds = a newborn giraffe
138 pounds = potatoes an average American eats in a year
140 pounds = refined sugar an average American eats in a year
144 pounds = an average adult woman (and she’s 5’4”)
150 pounds = the complete Oxford English Dictionary
187 pounds = an average adult man
200 pounds = 2 Bloodhounds 
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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

One week yesterday...

It was one week yesterday that the surgical portion of this journey started!  One week down!  WooHoo!!


Thank you to CME, family and my friends who have weighed-in (I'm not sure I like that term anymore! ha!) on my last post.  The common theme was, "take it slow and take the time YOU need to heal."  And "Ummm...you do realize you had major surgery where they basically rearranged your guts, don't you?" 


I did get to talk with my boss yesterday (who has been fantastic throughout this process as well as the whole down-sizing thing) and he even said to do what I need to do that work is minor compared to health.  I'm going to miss having him as a boss!!!!!!!  I'm still not sure that the full 6-weeks will be needed, but I feel a little more at ease knowing that it's an option.


Slow moving was the theme all day yesterday.  Took a nap even.  Though it wasn't a long nap, it still felt good to be able to rest when I needed it.  Oldest son had a lead role in the church middle-school play last night.  It was so good to get out and to see so many of my friends that I missed on Sunday!  I'm a hugger by nature and as part of my own self-prescribed therapy, hugs are a must!  I am so blessed to have these people in my life.  I love how God puts people in your life that you probably wouldn't have met otherwise.  (Son did awesome, btw.)  From the play we went to the boys' Court of Honor for Scouts, and then a real quick trip to Target to get a swimsuit for oldest's trip to Holiday World on Saturday.  By the end of the night, I was spent.  I didn't feel bad - just really tired.


As each day progresses, I'm finding new combinations of foods that are working well for me.  Not having to consume all sweets is good.  It's odd for me to say that because as a category, sweets is one of my many weakness.  I've also found some things that I don't care for...like today I mixed plain greek yogurt with PB2.  Though it's PACKED with protein, the sourness of the greek yogurt didn't mix well with the PB2.  There's a Chocolate PB2 that might work, but just the peanut butter?  Not again.  I ate it today (because it's packed with protein!), but yeah - I'll skip that combination next time.  Cottage cheese last night and hummus were a treat as well as the time I had the instant mashed potatoes thinned with the beefy mushroom soup.  


One thing that came to my mind this morning is that as part of my behavior modification is to try to stop obsessing about food.  And though I do know what they mean, food is still an obsession at this point.  Watching a clock...measuring, eating slowly, protein, low sugar, hydration, protein, fat grams, measuring, eating slowly... and so on.  I feel MORE obsessed at this point than ever before.  I don't think I was necessarily obsessed with food previously - I just didn't think about it much.  It's something I plan on discussing with RD and LCSW.


All-in-all the week has gone by rather quickly.  Each day seems to be a little better (though the exhaustion is still about the same).  I'm not out walking laps around the neighborhood, but I am up doing small chores around the house.  It's "moving" and not just sitting sedentary.


Again, I need to acknowledge how wonderful CME has been through this all.  We share tasks, generally, but he's had to pick up the extra stuff that I can't do (or have been too tired to do) right now.  I couldn't do this without his help.  143, CME. 
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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

Slow Starting This Morning

I had every intention of getting up early to get my boys off to school.  I woke the first one for his shower and crawled back into bed.  I didn't wake up until over 2 hours later - after CME had gotten up and made sure they got where they needed to be.  I am so incredibly blessed to have him!


I must have needed the extra sleep.  I didn't sleep well the night before.  A lot of tossing and turning and up and down.  Took a jaunt out to Lowe's with CME to get a few things for around the house.  We parked in the back of the parking lot and walked around quite a bit.  No, it wasn't a fast-paced walk, but any walking is better than none.  I'm still finding myself getting weak after what I consider little things.  The heat in the kitchen while I was trying to help make the family dinner made me almost queasy.  I feel like my heart beats extra hard after even some of the smallest activities.  I found a few gastric bypass forums and it looks like it's normal, but I guess I wasn't expecting it.


Food/fluid intake was much better yesterday.  Partly because I listened to CME and took some Gas-X strips which relieved a lot of the "pressure" I was feeling. [He's so smart.]  I think the other part of it was that I had more time over the day.  I'm a bit worried about today because of already getting a late start.  We'll see how it goes.


I received a call from the company that manages our short term disability.  I was shocked to hear the representative say that I've been approved to be out 4-6 weeks which puts me on STD through June 24!  It got my mind swirling.  Seriously.  I can't be out that long.  The final changes for my department happen June 1.  After that time, it's just down to 2 of us and my co-worker has already planned (and paid for) a Florida vacation the second week of June.  Plus, I have my own "vacation" planned for July...  Though emotionally and physically I think it would be nice to have the extra time off to be able to heal in both those ways,  I just don't see how I can do that.  I want to call my boss because I know that as soon as I was notified, so was he.  I'm not sure I have the energy to do that today or not.  I've got a follow-up appt with surgeon on Monday. I guess I can discuss more with him at that time.  


I'm going to go shower and get things moving today.  Some good quiet time for prayer is needed!
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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

I'm drowning.

That's how I feel right now.  It's not work or stress or any of that.  It's FLUID/FOOD consumption.  The good thing is that I've already gotten in all the required protein for the day, but here it is 8:30 at night and I've not had dinner yet.  I just don't feel like I can put another bite/sip into my mouth.  My fluid intake today (not counting the 8 oz of protein shakes I've had) is only at 38 oz.  I'm suppose to get 50-60 oz/day.  I have sipped on liquids all. day. long.  I seriously cannot put anything else in my body.  I may break down and call RD tomorrow just to make sure I'm doing this right.  Is it normal to not be able to get in everything at this point?????  


I'm thinking it's time for a flotation device!
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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

Mother's Day aka Post Op Day 4

Yesterday was my best day yet.  I made it through the entire day without napping - though by 9pm last night I was pretty exhausted.  Plus - no Lortab!  I got in all of my protein with this menu:

• Breakfast - 1 egg
• mid-morning snack - 4 oz 15 calorie peach juice + fuzzy navel Nectar protein supplement
• Lunch - 1/4 c sf/ff banana pudding made with skim milk + 1T PB2 (YUMMY!)
• mid-afternoon snack - 4 oz skim soy milk + 1/2 scoop cappuccino Nectar protein supplement
• Dinner - 3.5 oz tomato soup + 1 packet unflavored Unjury protein supplement
• evening snack - 4 oz skim soy milk + 1/2 scoop cappuccino Nectar protein supplement

CME being silly trying the yummy banana pudding/PB2 mixture.

Though I sipped on water all day long, I'm still falling short there.  (Side note...my youngest son is the comedian of the house.  I probably would have had a bit more water if he hadn't poked small holes around the entire top of the bottle so I wore as much as a I drank!  The humor way outweighed the irritation that it could have caused!)  After forcing myself to eat/drink basically every two hours, I am really having a difficult time getting it all down.  Truly the times I "feel" best is when I've not had anything to drink/eat for a while.  Like when I first wake up.  I know that will change, and I know that I must eat.  I'm just letting you know what feels best right now.  

As I was logging all my food intake yesterday and going back over some of the information in my education manual, someone said, "You just want to be their little overachiever that they refer to in meetings, huh?"  Though I know it was said with a supportive and positive meaning, that's not what I'm trying to do at all.  I want to do the very best I can at this process because I want others to see that God has equipped me and that He is the one who deserves the glory in this.  

Other happenings on Mother's Day... my oldest daughter and her hubby stopped by for a while.  My gift was cute...it was "Gigi" things.  She's due to deliver our first grandchild soon so she decided to bring me things like bibs about grandma and such.  :)  My boys got me a license plate that says "#1 Mom" for my car and my youngest made me a homemade card filled with love.  My youngest daughter called (since she lives a couple hours away) and my parents came in for a while when they dropped off the boys after church.  (I wasn't sure I was up to going to church yesterday - but seriously I miss those times!)  CME made me cry with one of the sweetest cards ever.  He and I also took a nice stroll down the street.  Not sure of the exact distance, but much more than I've walked post-op.  Yes, yesterday was my best day yet.  

I've been up since about 6:45 this morning to try to start the routine.  In the past hour, I've had my morning vitamins and about 6 ounces of diet cran-apple juice.  (It counts toward my "water" intake.)  At about 8:30 I'll fix breakfast (have to wait 30 minutes after drinking anything) and be off on another day...

I want to leave this one thought with you.  As we (regardless of weight) struggle with the thoughts of being worthy or charming or beautiful, listen to God's words.  One of my best friends sent me this yesterday as my Mother's Day greeting:

"Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.  Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.  Honor her for all that her hands have done and let her works bring her praise at the city gate"  ~ Proverbs 31:29

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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

A Picture Journey

This is a look into what the hospital stay looked like.  To be honest, I'm not thrilled about putting these out here - but CME took them and if I go back to the total transparancy so God can work in me through this process, I suppose it's part of it.  Trust me...you may want to skip this entry!

My sweet friend Lori praying with me before surgery.

Waiting in the pre-op room.

Reading my Emotional First Aid Book

The lovely ted hose and foot pumps to help keep blood clots away.

CME being a paramedic ... likes to get all the details.

Patiently waiting to go back to the OR

Equipment

Addition of the liquid tylenol...could you see the difference?

               Watching the clock....     The time I was being wheeled to the OR

After they had pumped me full of tons of IV fluids, blood, etc.

Right before I left the hospital

IV

The staff that I have absolutely NO memory of...none. 

Post-surgery.  After one of my vomiting episodes.

A few of the angels looking into my room from the nurses' station

Breathing apparatus (standard) and my "clear liquid" diet

Pouting and not thrilled CME is taking pictures at this point!

Yes...I've already become a fall risk.  

Some time on Thursday.  Still not feeling the best.

Not a fan of the camera at all right now.

CME's foot rest...my embarrassing bedside toilet.  :(

I'm not sure why they have smiley faces... really???

Updating my blog!

A wonderful reminder on the wall in the hallway of the hospital.  It was one of many.

Still not thrilled.  And oy!  The hair!

Jello!  (Liquid diet)

Trying to be pleasant with all the pics.

Wonderful flowers from some very dear friends!  

1 of 6 incisions.

2 of 6

3 of 6

4 and 5 of 6 (we seemed to miss #6).  The phone added for size comparison.  The one above the phone is the one that is causing me the most pain!

Oldest about as thrilled with the camera as I was.

Waiting to go home - updating my blog.

Battle wounds from the multiple times they drew blood.  After so many times, they had to figure out new places to try.  I'm sure the blood thinners didn't help with the bruising.

There you have it.  It ain't pretty, but its part of the reality. 
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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14