Food, Thoughts, and What Nots...

There's been a lot swirling around in my brain lately.  So it's time to get some of it out.  (This usually means I have no idea what's going to leave my fingertips, nor how much...this might be a long entry!)

Food  
It's funny how I (we) cook more now than I did before. I cook for dinner and the boys lunches and for special events.  It seems like I'm constantly cooking.  What's even funnier?  I don't seem to mind!  For those of you who have known me for a while, you know that's a big deal.  And if you don't know, just ask CME.  He jokes (though it's not really a joke) that if I had my druthers I'd eat out all the time.  While that's been the case a lot, I'm actually getting to a point where I like to cook. Yes, some days I'm too tired to really put much effort into the whole thing, but I like looking for healthy ways to feed our family.  Yesterday, I even made a healthier version of a Buffalo Chicken Dip recipe for the boys' Super Bowl party at church.  I used light versions of cream cheese, ranch dressing and mozzarella cheese.  It was still delicious, but healthier.  That's the thing that I've noticed.  I am consciously looking for healthier options.  Yay!

Another example that I can think of is that I've run out of PB2.  Next to my love of shrimp, I'm thoroughly enjoying PB2 as my go-to snack.  Mix some with 1/2 a smashed banana...and oh yeah!  Last week, I was going to pick some up, but the only time I could get by bariatric center was when they were at lunch so I couldn't buy any.  I was bummed. Knowing that I have my 9 month check up this week, I figured I'd be able to make it until then.  After all, it's just PB2, right?  Wrong.  I found myself a really wanting some peanut butter last week.  I was at the store and figured that I'd just pick up a reduced fat peanut butter and be done with it.  But you know what?  A little comparison with the Reduced Fat Jif and PB2 and I just couldn't do it.  190 calories and 12g fat vs 45 calories and 1.5g of fat is a huge difference.  Not everyone is going to like PB2 and not every needs to eat the stuff.  But for someone who is wanting that peanut butter a few times a week, yes, the calorie/fat difference is a big deal!  I can't wait until Thursday when I have my appointment just so I can bring some PB2 home!

Yesterday was a not-so-good food day for me.  I started the morning by fixing an Egg Beater and a Morning Star Farms sausage patty.  Granted the egg beater was the equivalent of two scrambled eggs, but I couldn't eat half of the food that was there.  I was eating a scrambled egg and a MSF patty a couple of months after surgery without issue.  But yesterday, I may have had one egg total, but could only get down about 1/4 (if that) of the sausage.  Not sure what happened.  It just wasn't going to go down.  I didn't have any issues with it sticking or me eating too fast and I didn't feel full.  I just felt as if I was going to hurl if I put another bite in my mouth.  So I stopped.   

Lunchtime I was fine with a Gorton's Grilled Fillet.  Even added a little "banging shrimp sauce".  No issue.  By dinner time, CME was still at work and the boys were at their Super Bowl Party so I figured I'd just make a protein shake.  I've started experimenting more with these...getting a little braver on my varieties.  I recently discovered that the Almond Joy creamer, though it isn't the most nutritious, it does fit within my guidelines.  So with that, I used vanilla protein powder, light vanilla silk, 1T creamer, 1/2 banana and 6 chunks of frozen pineapple; I was going for that piña colada taste (yes, I know banana isn't in a piña colada, but it gives the smoothie a nice consistency) and was quite pleased with the results.  So pleased, in fact, that I drank all 12 ounces at one time...and within a very short time span.  (Do you see the issue here?)  I drank 12 ounces of a thick, nearly frozen, 33g protien shake in a short amount of time.  And then it hit me.  No...not dumping...sugars were still fine.  But with the small amount of anything else on my stomach all day long, this was WAY too much too quickly.  Foamies happened and I was miserable.  Nothing came up and I'm guessing that because it was liquid that it made its way on through quicker than it would have if it had been solids.  But OY!  Not a pleasant experience.  It was a reminder though that I am still learning and I still need to be very careful in how much I take in at one time, even if it's liquid!

Thoughts
I still find myself hesitant when someone compliments me and then asks me how I lost all my weight.  Why am I uncomfortable saying, "I had gastric bypass surgery."? I'm not uncomfortable blogging about it.  I'm not uncomfortable talking to people who know that I've had the surgery.  I am uncomfortable when someone says, "You look great...how did you do it?" I literally feel a little tightening in my chest before I respond.  I say it with a smile, but It feels like I'm about to bring on a whole new round of judgement from the world.  I H.A.T.E. that.  I wish there wasn't such a negative connotation that goes along with RNY gastric bypass surgery - but there still is.  I see it on the faces of those I tell.  I usually finish the conversation with, 'You know...it's the tool that God's given me that has actually worked.  For that I'm thankful.' I don't know what else to say.  -shrug-

I've had people ask me about all the extra skin.  "So are you going to have surgery for that?"  I don't mind people being curious.  I don't mind those who love me and are my friends.  It kind of bugs me when a random co-worker asks me.  Am I selective in who I want to know what about me and my life?  I suppose I am to a degree - yet here I am blogging about it.  Oh the mixed emotions!!!  And about that extra skin...I don't know if I'll have surgery.  If there's no medical indicators as to why I'd need it (which there aren't now) then probably not.  There is no way that we could afford for me to undergo a cosmetic procedure like that.  And, being as honest as I can be, I wish that was different.  The extra skin is mortifying some days.  I expected it in my stomach - it was already droopy.  I did not expect it in my legs.  Arms?  Yeah, figured I'd have some extra swinging skin.  Didn't expect it to be as much as it is right now.  But all of that is purely vanity, which I need to let go.  I most definitely will take the health benefits of being half the size I was with some loose skin over the alternative! I didn't wear shorts before, won't wear them now.  Didn't wear tank tops before...won't wear them now.  Swimsuit?  Not unless I can find some cute board shorts.  -shrug-  (Obviously as I'm typing this, I realized I need some prayer in this area...that I will not focus on the negatives, but focus on the work that God has done IN me. Thanks in advance...)

What Nots
I realized an NSV today that I didn't even recognize as one until I was talking with the receptionist at my dentist's office.  I've been going to the same dentist office since I was a kid.  The receptionist is the only one I remember.  I'm sure there were others, but as long as I can recall, Connie has been there.  So we were talking today about my surgery, my health and such.  She's trying to get weight off too.  She asked me if I was where I wanted to be weight wise. I explained to her that even though MD won't give me a number that the weight charts say I could still lose another 15-20# and be at the higher end of what's considered normal.  Even though I'm thinner now than I was in high school, I could still lose some weight and be healthy.  I told her that right now I'm in the 150s (WHAT?!?!) and in a size 10 pants that aren't tight.  And here was the unrecognized NSV... I said, "You know it's a pretty awesome feeling to not worry that my jeans will be too tight if I dry them."  Jeans out of the dryer...no falling backwards on to the bed trying to get them zipped.  No deep breaths and half squats to try to stretch them back out before trying again to button them.  Yes, folks, for me that's an NSV!  

Speaking of my dentist...He and I went to high school together (he went into practice with one of our classmates' dad...my original dentist).  Recently he ran across some of my Instagram pictures and was so excited for me.  Today when he saw me, I got that "one arm hug" with an "I'm so proud of you!" comment.  That was a nice NSV too.  :)

And a final "what not"...  later next month (March) I'll be speaking at an informational meeting for bariatric center.  I'm a little nervous and a little excited.  I want to try to help people get past any negative thoughts they might have in general about the surgery.  I want to share my story.  I want to share how God has been faithful through this journey and how He is the one to be given the glory.  Will you be in prayer for that talk?  Will you pray that I adequately answer questions that the people there might have and at the same time be able to speak of our Amazing God and His transforming powers?  I want people to see themselves as God sees them.  I want them to know that they are fearfully and wonderfully made!
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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

Surviving Thanksgiving

What a great day!  The morning started out with CME and our oldest son preparing the turkey for Thanksgiving.  I made a pumpkin swirl cheesecake last night using low-fat cream cheese and Splenda and then today, I made a sweet potato casserole from a recipe from my mother-in-law, once again substituting brown sugar with brown sugar Splenda.  I don't know if you want to call it "planning" so I knew what I could eat or if it's just a change that will benefit all our family.  Either way, it worked well.

The surprise of the afternoon was that our youngest daughter unexpectedly drove in for Thanksgiving.  Didn't expect to see her until CHRISTmas.  It was a good surprise!  

As we prepared for our meal, each one of the 15 of us said what we were thankful for.  We had everything from "not burning the turkey" to "not having lung cancer as originally thought."  Of course, we were all thankful for our family and friends and being able to spend the day with each other.  I was thankful for the journey that God is taking me down.  He even made today - one that generally consists of over indulgence to the max - super easy for me.  

With measuring utensils in hand, I successfully made it through Thanksgiving!  It was a bit interesting to look at my plate with a total of 4 ounces scattered in small groupings.  I enjoyed turkey, sweet potatoes, broccoli casserole, deviled egg, stuffing (YAY for my sister always making that weight watchers stuffing that's healthy!) and even had some of my cheesecake!  Wow...looking at that, how did I eat all that and not eat more than my stomach can hold?  One bite... tastes just as good!  The first bite tastes just as good as the last...so who cares if it's one bite or 20?  I certainly did not!

So thankful for gastric bypass surgery.  So thankful that our family could spend the day together.  So thankful that my focus wasn't on the food... So very thankful for the changes God is making in me!  So what are YOU thankful for?

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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

Milestone of a Century

It's official!  As of this morning, I have lost 100.1 pounds!  I am soooooooooooooooooo excited about that milestone.  I am sooooooooooooo thankful that God provided me with the courage, strength and means to the tool of gastric bypass!

Now off to start my day.  Must find clothes to wear that will accessorize this silly grin that's going to be stuck on my face all day!

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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

One week yesterday...

It was one week yesterday that the surgical portion of this journey started!  One week down!  WooHoo!!


Thank you to CME, family and my friends who have weighed-in (I'm not sure I like that term anymore! ha!) on my last post.  The common theme was, "take it slow and take the time YOU need to heal."  And "Ummm...you do realize you had major surgery where they basically rearranged your guts, don't you?" 


I did get to talk with my boss yesterday (who has been fantastic throughout this process as well as the whole down-sizing thing) and he even said to do what I need to do that work is minor compared to health.  I'm going to miss having him as a boss!!!!!!!  I'm still not sure that the full 6-weeks will be needed, but I feel a little more at ease knowing that it's an option.


Slow moving was the theme all day yesterday.  Took a nap even.  Though it wasn't a long nap, it still felt good to be able to rest when I needed it.  Oldest son had a lead role in the church middle-school play last night.  It was so good to get out and to see so many of my friends that I missed on Sunday!  I'm a hugger by nature and as part of my own self-prescribed therapy, hugs are a must!  I am so blessed to have these people in my life.  I love how God puts people in your life that you probably wouldn't have met otherwise.  (Son did awesome, btw.)  From the play we went to the boys' Court of Honor for Scouts, and then a real quick trip to Target to get a swimsuit for oldest's trip to Holiday World on Saturday.  By the end of the night, I was spent.  I didn't feel bad - just really tired.


As each day progresses, I'm finding new combinations of foods that are working well for me.  Not having to consume all sweets is good.  It's odd for me to say that because as a category, sweets is one of my many weakness.  I've also found some things that I don't care for...like today I mixed plain greek yogurt with PB2.  Though it's PACKED with protein, the sourness of the greek yogurt didn't mix well with the PB2.  There's a Chocolate PB2 that might work, but just the peanut butter?  Not again.  I ate it today (because it's packed with protein!), but yeah - I'll skip that combination next time.  Cottage cheese last night and hummus were a treat as well as the time I had the instant mashed potatoes thinned with the beefy mushroom soup.  


One thing that came to my mind this morning is that as part of my behavior modification is to try to stop obsessing about food.  And though I do know what they mean, food is still an obsession at this point.  Watching a clock...measuring, eating slowly, protein, low sugar, hydration, protein, fat grams, measuring, eating slowly... and so on.  I feel MORE obsessed at this point than ever before.  I don't think I was necessarily obsessed with food previously - I just didn't think about it much.  It's something I plan on discussing with RD and LCSW.


All-in-all the week has gone by rather quickly.  Each day seems to be a little better (though the exhaustion is still about the same).  I'm not out walking laps around the neighborhood, but I am up doing small chores around the house.  It's "moving" and not just sitting sedentary.


Again, I need to acknowledge how wonderful CME has been through this all.  We share tasks, generally, but he's had to pick up the extra stuff that I can't do (or have been too tired to do) right now.  I couldn't do this without his help.  143, CME. 
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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

Slow Starting This Morning

I had every intention of getting up early to get my boys off to school.  I woke the first one for his shower and crawled back into bed.  I didn't wake up until over 2 hours later - after CME had gotten up and made sure they got where they needed to be.  I am so incredibly blessed to have him!


I must have needed the extra sleep.  I didn't sleep well the night before.  A lot of tossing and turning and up and down.  Took a jaunt out to Lowe's with CME to get a few things for around the house.  We parked in the back of the parking lot and walked around quite a bit.  No, it wasn't a fast-paced walk, but any walking is better than none.  I'm still finding myself getting weak after what I consider little things.  The heat in the kitchen while I was trying to help make the family dinner made me almost queasy.  I feel like my heart beats extra hard after even some of the smallest activities.  I found a few gastric bypass forums and it looks like it's normal, but I guess I wasn't expecting it.


Food/fluid intake was much better yesterday.  Partly because I listened to CME and took some Gas-X strips which relieved a lot of the "pressure" I was feeling. [He's so smart.]  I think the other part of it was that I had more time over the day.  I'm a bit worried about today because of already getting a late start.  We'll see how it goes.


I received a call from the company that manages our short term disability.  I was shocked to hear the representative say that I've been approved to be out 4-6 weeks which puts me on STD through June 24!  It got my mind swirling.  Seriously.  I can't be out that long.  The final changes for my department happen June 1.  After that time, it's just down to 2 of us and my co-worker has already planned (and paid for) a Florida vacation the second week of June.  Plus, I have my own "vacation" planned for July...  Though emotionally and physically I think it would be nice to have the extra time off to be able to heal in both those ways,  I just don't see how I can do that.  I want to call my boss because I know that as soon as I was notified, so was he.  I'm not sure I have the energy to do that today or not.  I've got a follow-up appt with surgeon on Monday. I guess I can discuss more with him at that time.  


I'm going to go shower and get things moving today.  Some good quiet time for prayer is needed!
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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

I'm drowning.

That's how I feel right now.  It's not work or stress or any of that.  It's FLUID/FOOD consumption.  The good thing is that I've already gotten in all the required protein for the day, but here it is 8:30 at night and I've not had dinner yet.  I just don't feel like I can put another bite/sip into my mouth.  My fluid intake today (not counting the 8 oz of protein shakes I've had) is only at 38 oz.  I'm suppose to get 50-60 oz/day.  I have sipped on liquids all. day. long.  I seriously cannot put anything else in my body.  I may break down and call RD tomorrow just to make sure I'm doing this right.  Is it normal to not be able to get in everything at this point?????  


I'm thinking it's time for a flotation device!
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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

Mother's Day aka Post Op Day 4

Yesterday was my best day yet.  I made it through the entire day without napping - though by 9pm last night I was pretty exhausted.  Plus - no Lortab!  I got in all of my protein with this menu:

• Breakfast - 1 egg
• mid-morning snack - 4 oz 15 calorie peach juice + fuzzy navel Nectar protein supplement
• Lunch - 1/4 c sf/ff banana pudding made with skim milk + 1T PB2 (YUMMY!)
• mid-afternoon snack - 4 oz skim soy milk + 1/2 scoop cappuccino Nectar protein supplement
• Dinner - 3.5 oz tomato soup + 1 packet unflavored Unjury protein supplement
• evening snack - 4 oz skim soy milk + 1/2 scoop cappuccino Nectar protein supplement

CME being silly trying the yummy banana pudding/PB2 mixture.

Though I sipped on water all day long, I'm still falling short there.  (Side note...my youngest son is the comedian of the house.  I probably would have had a bit more water if he hadn't poked small holes around the entire top of the bottle so I wore as much as a I drank!  The humor way outweighed the irritation that it could have caused!)  After forcing myself to eat/drink basically every two hours, I am really having a difficult time getting it all down.  Truly the times I "feel" best is when I've not had anything to drink/eat for a while.  Like when I first wake up.  I know that will change, and I know that I must eat.  I'm just letting you know what feels best right now.  

As I was logging all my food intake yesterday and going back over some of the information in my education manual, someone said, "You just want to be their little overachiever that they refer to in meetings, huh?"  Though I know it was said with a supportive and positive meaning, that's not what I'm trying to do at all.  I want to do the very best I can at this process because I want others to see that God has equipped me and that He is the one who deserves the glory in this.  

Other happenings on Mother's Day... my oldest daughter and her hubby stopped by for a while.  My gift was cute...it was "Gigi" things.  She's due to deliver our first grandchild soon so she decided to bring me things like bibs about grandma and such.  :)  My boys got me a license plate that says "#1 Mom" for my car and my youngest made me a homemade card filled with love.  My youngest daughter called (since she lives a couple hours away) and my parents came in for a while when they dropped off the boys after church.  (I wasn't sure I was up to going to church yesterday - but seriously I miss those times!)  CME made me cry with one of the sweetest cards ever.  He and I also took a nice stroll down the street.  Not sure of the exact distance, but much more than I've walked post-op.  Yes, yesterday was my best day yet.  

I've been up since about 6:45 this morning to try to start the routine.  In the past hour, I've had my morning vitamins and about 6 ounces of diet cran-apple juice.  (It counts toward my "water" intake.)  At about 8:30 I'll fix breakfast (have to wait 30 minutes after drinking anything) and be off on another day...

I want to leave this one thought with you.  As we (regardless of weight) struggle with the thoughts of being worthy or charming or beautiful, listen to God's words.  One of my best friends sent me this yesterday as my Mother's Day greeting:

"Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.  Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.  Honor her for all that her hands have done and let her works bring her praise at the city gate"  ~ Proverbs 31:29

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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

A Picture Journey

This is a look into what the hospital stay looked like.  To be honest, I'm not thrilled about putting these out here - but CME took them and if I go back to the total transparancy so God can work in me through this process, I suppose it's part of it.  Trust me...you may want to skip this entry!

My sweet friend Lori praying with me before surgery.

Waiting in the pre-op room.

Reading my Emotional First Aid Book

The lovely ted hose and foot pumps to help keep blood clots away.

CME being a paramedic ... likes to get all the details.

Patiently waiting to go back to the OR

Equipment

Addition of the liquid tylenol...could you see the difference?

               Watching the clock....     The time I was being wheeled to the OR

After they had pumped me full of tons of IV fluids, blood, etc.

Right before I left the hospital

IV

The staff that I have absolutely NO memory of...none. 

Post-surgery.  After one of my vomiting episodes.

A few of the angels looking into my room from the nurses' station

Breathing apparatus (standard) and my "clear liquid" diet

Pouting and not thrilled CME is taking pictures at this point!

Yes...I've already become a fall risk.  

Some time on Thursday.  Still not feeling the best.

Not a fan of the camera at all right now.

CME's foot rest...my embarrassing bedside toilet.  :(

I'm not sure why they have smiley faces... really???

Updating my blog!

A wonderful reminder on the wall in the hallway of the hospital.  It was one of many.

Still not thrilled.  And oy!  The hair!

Jello!  (Liquid diet)

Trying to be pleasant with all the pics.

Wonderful flowers from some very dear friends!  

1 of 6 incisions.

2 of 6

3 of 6

4 and 5 of 6 (we seemed to miss #6).  The phone added for size comparison.  The one above the phone is the one that is causing me the most pain!

Oldest about as thrilled with the camera as I was.

Waiting to go home - updating my blog.

Battle wounds from the multiple times they drew blood.  After so many times, they had to figure out new places to try.  I'm sure the blood thinners didn't help with the bruising.

There you have it.  It ain't pretty, but its part of the reality. 
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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

Post-Op Day 3

Yesterday was Post-Op Day 3 and my first full day home.  My day started at 7:30 when I carefully rolled out of bed, being very aware of the incisions.  At 8:00 I took my Prilosec (will be taking for life) and D3 mixed with an ounce of applesauce.  Note to self:  do not try to bite the little bitty Prilosec beads...they are bitter!!!


I decided to take a shower before breakfast.  I thought it might make me feel a bit more normal.  And I decided to put on just a little makeup.  CME doesn't think I need it, but it makes me feel better - like I'm a bit more presentable.  Didn't dry my hair or anything...to be honest, the shower and makeup wore me out.  


Breakfast didn't start until 10:00 - which is something that probably disrupted my whole food/eating schedule - but I had one scrambled egg! (7g protein) Interesting that one little egg seemed overwhelming at first...like it was a LOT of food.  But over the next 45 minutes, I was able to finish it...even if it was a bit cool by then.  


I walked outside a bit...down the driveway a couple of times.  What I'm noticing there is that it increases my heart rate a lot.  Today, I'm hoping to monitor it better.  Take a reading before I walk and then after.  I'm not sure if it's normal or not - but want to make sure I've noted everything that's going on with my body.

Around 12:30, I had 4 oz of light Silk soy milk with a full scoop of chocolate truffle Nectar protein powder (26 g protein total).  It took me almost an hour to get that all down.  It's a huge difference from when I was sampling.  I could down 8 oz in less than 5 minutes.  Regardless, this is by far one of my favorite combinations for protein.  Lots of it in small dose and not grainy or smelly.  :)


I sipped water most of the day, but it truly is difficult to get in all the required water.  I'm going to be more conscious about that today.  Water is essential!  I think my total water intake yesterday was only about 30 ounces.  


I napped a bit and by 3:45 I realized I was already running behind a good eating schedule, so I ate 2oz low-fat cottage cheese (6g protein).  Who would have thought that so little food would take me almost an hour to eat???    When they tell you that you will have a hard time eating such small quantities...they're not kidding.  I felt like I was really pushing myself to get in all I was suppose to.


At 6:30 I had another 4 oz. protein shake, but this time I used the Minute Maid Just 15 Peach Juice and Nectar Fuzzy Navel.  (11g protein) I only used 1/2 packet for the protein and planned on using the other 1/2 later last night. Unfortunately that was the end of any food/protein consumption for the day.


Around 7:30 I had to take my first dose of Lortab elixir.  I was experiencing some internal pain that just wouldn't subside.  I felt the same pain on Friday night, but it went away relatively quickly and I didn't need the meds.    But last night, the pain took my breath away.  I don't know how to explain it exactly, but it was like a constant stabbing feeling in my side.  Though I was hoping to get through this without narcotics, I know that they were prescribed for a reason - to help me heal.  So I took a dose.  The Lortab made me very woozy (and a bit nauseous) so I went to bed without finishing the food I was suppose to have or the rest of my protein shake.


In all honesty, that's about the time I felt defeated.  I don't know what exactly I was expecting, but I didn't expect to be so tired and I didn't expect to have to take pain meds.  I usually haven't needed those after past surgeries.  As I told CME, I just want to excel in this process.  He was so good to remind me that I've not been home very long and that I should be patient.  That I need to heal first and that this is not a race.  I <3 that man!


Today I opened my education manual to see what it said about discharge orders.  Two things stuck out to me:  The postoperative phase of Gastric Bypass can be very demanding of your mental and physical endurance. and Expect your endurance to be low initially, but it will improve.  It made me feel not quite so defeated - but maybe actually on track.  Patience is still something God must need to work in me.  


What I do know is that God is faithful and He has provided me with a fantastic support group.  From CME and my children to my family and wonderful prayer warriors!  I have felt the prayers and know that I am constantly lifted before our Father in Heaven!  Today is a new day with new mercies and possibilities.  
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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

Post-Op Day 2

Last night was an interesting one. With deep vein thrombosis a potential risk for bariatric patients, part of the normal process is to put patients on heparin (blood thinner). In my case, the blood may have gotten a little too thin combined with the fact that I probably had a small bleeding vein in between the staples. This caused bloody BMs and also resulted in my hemoglobin dropping to 7.7. That number was low enough to warrant a transfusion of two units of blood. These were risks I was aware of up front. Just not ones that I thought I'd have to deal with. Nonetheless I did and everything is good this morning.

I was able to shower on my own and put on my own clothes! Praise God for these little victories! A nice shower can make a big difference in how one feels.

I've been walking the halls and am about to climb the walls. I'm ready to go home. Now I'm waiting to be discharged. My BP is up a little (144/94), but I'm not thinking that's going to keep me here.

Thanks for the prayers and thoughts. Through my wonderful Creator, he is equipping me with what it takes to get through this...including awesome prayer warriors.

Stuff you may not want to know...

Yesterday was pretty rough. Apparently I am very slow coming out of anesthesia which isn't good when the want you up and walking around. Vomited a couple of times...besides the fact that it hurt like crazy, it was all blood. :-( I guess that makes sense that the only thing in there would be blood, but still kind of freaks you out.

Still trying to get me up and walking, around 8:30pm or so we tried to get to the bathroom. I say tried because as I was walking with assistance I got dizzy and cold sweats and the next thing I remember is CME and the patient tech trying to get me up off the floor. Yes, I fainted. :-(

There is no dignity in situations like these. Since I couldn't make it to the restroom they brought in a portable toilet. If that's not humiliating enough, the tech was male...and well hospital gowns are hospital gowns.

This morning has been some better. Meds have worn off and at least I am alert. Had to do an upper GI lab where I had to drink this nasty stuff so they could make sure that there weren't any leaks. Guess what. Fainted there too. Not sure why but its frustrating. :-(

We'll see what the rest of today brings. Still hoping and anticipating being released tomorrow.

Knowing I'm not at this alone...

Comparison

So much for an early bed time!  The family came home from their dinner and the conversation was quite comical:  


Oldest son enters:  Dinner was yummy!!!  (walks away)
Turkish daughter enters:  Be glad you didn't go, Mom!  It was disgusting!  Terrible!  Horrible!  
Me:  Really?  Oldest son said it was yummy!!!
Turkish daughter:  <yells Oldest son's name>!!!  What did we just talk about in the car?!?  You broke the rules already!  


It was cute.  :)  


We spent some family time playing Rory's Story Cubes which brought a lot of laughter.  I'm glad that there wasn't an early bed time.


A couple of last-minute things I wanted to do - one of which was getting new pictures to compare to where I was in February when I last took some and use as comparison for post-op.  As I mentioned yesterday, I'm down 25.4 so I was anxious to see the side by side comparison.  I have definitely felt the difference in my clothes, but I'm not so sure that it's visible yet.  But here we go...

(hair looks better!!!)

 This one is for CME...because he's been so great.  His "work it girl" comment resulted in this silliness!

Looking at the pictures I can see some change.  What I see the most is the difference in the face...not necessarily size-wise, but smile-wise.  Yes...laughter was good tonight..and yes, I'm excited for the new chapter in my life!

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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

Pre-op Jitters?

I'm not exactly sure how to put into words all that I've felt over the past 24 hours, but I'm going to try.


The clear liquid thing didn't really start bothering me until about 3:30 this afternoon when I was physically hungry.  I had sugar-free jello and water and clear juice and black coffee (ok...so I added sweetener - but it was allowed), and still I. was. hungry.  I waited for a while to make sure what I was feeling was physical hunger and not my mind playing tricks on me.  And then I got a bit...what's the word???  Moody.  I can't describe the mood really.  I wasn't mad.  I wasn't sad.  I was just in a funk.  


Then a little after 4:00 I got this overwhelming sense of ... well, it wasn't fear or anxiety... it was just an overwhelming sense of overwhelmingness (I tend to make up words when I don't know how to describe certain things.)  It was so overwhelming that I had that, "oh my gosh I'm going to cry" feeling.  So I closed my eyes and took several deep breaths.  I let some truth accompany the air that entered my body.  Truths like, "You will be fine...God is on your side."  "You are not in this alone."  and "You can do this!"  Seriously, I was much better afterward.  No tears even left my eyes!  


I found that whole thing a little odd, because I really am excited about tomorrow.  And I don't feel like I'm stressed about it at all.  I've had a few people say things like, "I don't know how you can do it." or "Glad it's you and not me."  But even that doesn't bother me.  I know that the strength I'm getting is from the Lord.  I certainly know it's not of my own! 


Tonight is a bit better.  I say a bit because I'm not on the verge of tears.  I heated up some chicken broth for dinner and CME took the kids out for sushi.  Though I know there will be plenty of times that they will eat things I can't - CME thought it probably would be best that I not go tonight.  I think he's right.  My emotions are a tad on the fragile side.  I'd like to think I could handle watching them eat a meal that I'd love, but I'm quite okay not testing it tonight.  I'll have plenty of tests later.  Packing my bag for the hospital was even a difficult task for me to complete.  Not sure why, but I struggled with what to put in.  I was consciously telling my brain: 2 pair of underwear... 2 pair of socks...2 t-shirts...comfy work-out type pants...contact solution and holder... then in the morning... tooth brush and toothpaste and hair brush.  Do I pack my blow dryer?  Of course I don't pack my blow dryer - I'm not going to use it.  Or am I going to use it?  Oh gee... blow dryer or no blow dryer? (for the record...no blow dryer, but I threw in a head band and a pony tail holder.)  


Add to that figuring out how to get kids where/when; who to have CME notify once I'm done, opening my refrigerator and cabinets multiple times to try to decide if I have enough stuff for my post-op time home.  Realizing I've still not finished my 2-week meal plan and that I've got to use that special soap and bathe tonight and in the morning...and...and...and...


Luckily I have a ton of prayer-warriors lifting me up before our King.  I've had multiple text messages and calls and know that each person will be praying for me, for the doctors and for my family.  I couldn't have a better group of people surrounding me with love.  I am blessed!  


I'm planning on making it an early bedtime tonight.  I think the extra sleep will do me some good.  But my plans don't always go that way...and who knows if I'll sleep anyway or just lay there.  We'll see...


I was reading a book on my Kindle and one of the things that stuck out to me was this line, "Your mind is the biggest weapon in your arsenal for this process."  And boy is that true!  I've actually found myself having stupid thoughts like, "if I had <insert non-clear liquid food here> then I wouldn't be able to have surgery tomorrow...is that so bad?"  Seriously.  I. want. this. surgery.  Why is that thought even there?!?  Why have so many destructive thoughts been allowed in to my mind over the past decades?  My mind is a weapon and it can either be used in my defense or used to destroy me.  When my mind focuses on God, then it will definitely be used for my defense.
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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

It's On!

I have been super giddy today.  I'm pretty sure my co-workers wanted to punch me or something, but I couldn't help it.  I'm excited!  I'm so ready for Wednesday.  My appointment with surgeon went very well.  I was down another 6.3# making my total weight loss so far 25.4#!  I shared that news with a few people today and had one person actually say, "If you're losing weight without surgery, why are you having the surgery?"  All I can say at this point is that I am the queen of weight loss.  I KNOW how to lose weight.  I've done it a bazillion times.  What I've not been successful at is maintaining and changing lifestyle/habits.  This "tool" will force me to change my lifestyle.  No more cheating, no more binge eating, no more hidden snacks.  And I'm totally okay with that!


CME purchased a couple of books for me to read along this journey:  Emotional First Aid Kit: A Practical Guide to Life After Bariatric Surgery and Recipes for Life After Weight Loss Surgery. I shared those with RD and LCSW, who thought they looked like good tools for me.  


So, avoiding that "last meal" mentality didn't totally happen.  There was something that I really wanted for dinner tonight.  Dolma! (aka stuffed grape leaves)  My Turkish daughter was a total sweetheart and made some homemade dolma and homemade hummus for dinner tonight.  My "last meal" left my boss at work pondering what was wrong with me.  He asked, "You mean you don't want a big fat juicy steak?  A bone-in Rib-eye???"  Nope.  Didn't even sound appealing.  I wanted dolma and hummus!  I got dolma and hummus!  And it was delicious!   

As the time is drawing nearer, I am amazed at the peace that I have with this whole thing.  It is truly a peace that passes all understanding.  Thank you, God!
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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

On Fire!

I'm on Fire!!!  With Mother's Day right around the corner and AFTER my surgery, CME decided to go ahead and give me my "Mother of my Children" present (since I'm not his mother!).  Much to my surprise, I was given a Kindle Fire!  I'm stoked!  Two things...first, I'll have something to help pass some of the time at the hospital and second, I might be able to update my blog (once I figure out how to work it) from the hospital! Woot!


I've got an appointment with surgeon tomorrow for final instructions, blood draw, etc.  It's almost here!  I have to be at the hospital at 0630 on Wednesday and the surgery will begin at 0830.  From what I've been told the procedure will take roughly two to two-and-a-half hours then an hour in recovery.  If all goes as planned (and I'm planning for no complications) I will be released from the hospital sometime Friday.  


Tomorrow, I want to sit down and make list of my meals for the first two weeks at home.  I really don't want to have to think about what to fix while I'm trying to adjust to everything. I actually want a menu waiting for me when I get home!  Please pray that I will have the motivation to get that done!!!


I'll do my best to get an entry on here as soon as possible after the surgery, but make no promises it will happen while at the hospital.  Though I'd like to think the new Kindle will give me the ability to do post right away, I don't want to make that my focus.  


Speaking of focus, I've had several people ask me if I'm nervous or anxious.  And truly the answer is no.  Yes, there are still some unknowns, but I'm not nervous or anxious in the least.  I'm amazingly calm.  I do believe it's because I am focusing on God's plan for me and this journey.  His plan to heal me...from obesity and from the emotional and spiritual mess that I've made of my life.  I believe His word that says, "And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns." ~Philippians 1:6 (NLT)

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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14