If I'm Being Completely Honest

If I'm being completely honest and transparent then I need to admit that I've let some of those bad behaviors back in my life and I need to daily surrender my addiction to God. Daily. 

The result of my addiction? Self-doubt, self-loathing, self-bullying and self-consciousness. Oh...and weight gain. Yup...that's happened. I've gained weight. It's not a huge amount, but 6 lbs is a big deal!

What habits have invaded my life again?  Well, here's a quick list off the top of my head:

- licking the spoon/bowl after fixing something tasty or when clearing the dinner table. 

- taking a nibble of this, a bite of that (unplanned/unconscious/unhealthy eating)

- lack of portion control

- eating too fast

- eating in the car (fast food on the go)

- lack of weighing regularly

- bread

- dessert

- chips/snacks

- taking the elevator and not the stairs

- not getting in all my water

- not walking (exercising) like I was 

So today I prayed and I asked for prayer. I have not been "cured" of my addiction like I had hoped. But that doesn't mean God isn't working in my life. For me it means He wants me to rely on Him minute by minute for every part of this. I am the branch and He is the vine...apart from Him I can do nothing. 

Friends, if you believe that weightloss surgery is the easy way out, you couldn't be more mistaken. This is hard...especially if you're addicted to food like I am.  It's a daily struggle, but one that is worth the fight! 

Before everyone gets worried about the "results" listed above, I'm at a good place. I know that the enemy wants me to believe I'm a failure. But I am not. I am redeemed. I am clay in the Potter's hand and He is Victorious!!!

Confession

Ahh!!!  I need this space today!  And by space, I mean the white space on this page so I can get some of the garbage out of my brain that's haunted me this past week.  Okay, maybe that's a bit dramatic, but there have been thoughts and actions that I need to "own" and get back under control.

I've mentioned before that many times I find this blog to be my accountability partner.  I really do mean that. Somehow I feel more accountable for my actions if I am honest and open about my struggles as well as sometimes just downright defiance.  Today I really need to be honest and open - so here goes!

I just got back in town after a week of visiting some dear friends in Dearborn, Michigan.  It was an amazing trip in every aspect!  However, when I'm out of town, I seem to eat more.  I don't have my normal schedule, I don't necessarily watch sugars and fats and I definitely consume more breads/doughy foods than I otherwise would.  I let old habits creep back in.  Why is that?  Part of it is because the food is YUMMY and not something we readily have available here.  But is that reason to over do it?  Do I think that food won't be available next time I'm there?  Of course it will be! So that's no excuse.  Part of it is because I now can eat more and a larger variety of foods.  But that doesn't mean I should.  THAT is the part that's hard.  Just because I can, doesn't mean I should.  (Saying it again for my own ears...just because I can, doesn't mean I should.)

I was discussing this with one of the friends who went with me and I told her that I need to get back to the place where food truly is my manna - what is needed to survive.  It's meant to sustain me, not entertain me.  My story is different than some.  I am a food addict.  (Or as Susie said, recovering food addict.)  Either way, I must constantly be aware of how I'm treating my body.  I really am not beating myself up about it, rather I am confessing.  I am laying it out there so I can move beyond this week.  God reveals to me that I am out of control again... (He does that often in other areas of my life too!) and that I don't have to wait until Monday to fix it.  Each moment of each day I can call on Him to get me through the temptation and that's what I am doing.  And on another positive note, I actually lost 0.2 pounds this week - or basically stayed the same.  Even so, I needed the reminder to get it together so I don't blow what He's doing in me!

God gifted me with this opportunity to get healthy.  Through this, I was able -  just this week - to share with the International ladies I was teaching that because of God I've regained my health.  Through Him I've been able to lose over 130 pounds.  This journey is a testimony.  I intend to keep it that way!

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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

This Surgery Won't Cure Your Food Addiction

::taps mic::  Hello...is this thing on??

Yes, yes.  I know.  It's been a while.  I've been avoiding blogging, though I probably needed to write more than anything.  I've always used this blog as a way to get out what's in my head.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  In the midst of it all, I've been totally transparent and hopefully by doing so I was able to heal and overcome the stronghold food has had on my life.  

So what happens when I stop blogging?  The transparency is gone.  The bad habits want to creep back in.  I find myself thinking old thoughts.  I find myself on a familiar road...one that I do NOT want to be on.  I have found myself so consumed with the desire to be "normal" that I am not making healthy choices for me.  How crazy is that?  I somehow think that normal for me isn't healthy.  (just had that thought as I was typing...see why I need to write???)  

I've used the "f" word more recently.  Things like, "I feel fat today."  or "This shirt makes me look fat."  Why have I let that word creep back into my vocabulary?  Even more importantly, why do I believe it???  I'm afraid of the scales again.  Afraid of what they might say.  CME has been great and often picks me up.  Literally.  To try to help me understand reality.  I love him so much!  Even so, those words haven't kept me from making some bad choices. 

Please don't get me wrong, I'm not back at the stage of binge eating or eating until I feel like I'm going to explode.  But I'm not measuring.  I'm allowing myself to have things I wouldn't this time last year.  I'm still watching total sugars, but have been more daring.  I've found myself grazing more again.  Not necessarily bad things, but extra calories I don't need since I'm not hungry.  And when I have those things and I see that someone takes notice...with a questioning look or sometimes even a "can/should you have that?" comment...I feel the same as I use to feel when I'd walk through a buffet line...totally judged.  So then what does that lead to?  Hiding what I'm eating.  (Not there yet, but that's one of the familiar roads I keep staring down.)  UGH!  What an ugly cycle. 

I've said this before too.  This surgery won't cure your food addiction.  Every. single. day. is a battle.  Every. single. day. I have to choose to live addiction free.  I am not healed fully, but that is because I take things back that I gave away.  And that makes me really mad!  I had given all these lies and temptations up...I totally turned them over to God.  And now...NOW...I've taken them back.  Why do I think I need them?  I definitely don't want them! 

So I'm asking for your prayers.  Please pray that I fully allow God to heal me.  That I can go back to the understanding that for me, food can only be my manna.  What I need to survive and thrive.  THAT is my normal.  This journey is a testimony.  One that I've shared often at how His hand has been all over it and that His blessings are evident through it.  I want it to continue to bring honor to Him.  I don't want people to question His strength or His ability when I am the one who is responsible for my actions.  

May tonight be the start of that release... 
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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

Not Caving to the Craving

I've not had any kind of unhealthy craving in a year!  Why now!?!?!

I texted CME yesterday that I was having a chocolate craving.  Seriously.  I. wanted. chocolate.  Today, it's not necessarily chocolate, but I've felt physically hungry, or at least "snacky" most of the day...or at minimum the thought occurred to me multiple times that I was hungry.  And those thoughts have been challenging.  I'm happy to report that I've overcome the challenge (today) without caving, but my gosh!!  I even went to the store (which is a "trigger place" for me if you remember) and didn't buy anything to snack on.  That alone is worth celebrating.  I've mentioned this a couple of times before, but surgery does not fix habits and does not cure food addiction.  We will still face those same cravings and temptations; we must learn to be aware and to handle those old vices that we face.  We must.

So tonight, I celebrate the NSV of not caving to the cravings!
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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

It's All About Choices

In less than a month, I will be celebrating my one year "surgiversary".  Like the rest of life, it seems like it was forever ago and yet it also seems like it was just yesterday.  As I get closer to that date, my brain sometimes wonders what the next year will bring for me.  There are still inklings of doubt that creep into my mind.  Those "you're going to just gain it back" lies that Satan tries to tell me.  But I know that through God's power, He will provide me the strength and tools to defeat that lie as well!  

A realization came to me this week.  One that clearly should have been here sooner:  Every outcome is a direct result of the choices I make.  This hit me as I was trying to decide what to eat for my afternoon snack. (Still eating every 2-3 hours)  My choices were a protein bar or greek yogurt.  Each was less than 10g sugar; each had 10g of protein.  But here was the number that was my deciding factor.  The protein bar had 170 calories; the greek yogurt had 100.  Though I really thought the crunchiness of the protein bar was appealing, I decided on the yogurt.  It was a choice that I felt needed to be made.  The yogurt satisfied me just as well as the protein bar would have and I "saved" my body from 70 extra calories.  Does that mean that I'll never have a protein bar again? Absolutely not.  It means that I must continue to make conscious decisions on what I put in my body.  Gastric bypass surgery is a tool.  It is not the cure-all, fix-all, for my food addiction.  

Little habits have a way of sneaking back into our lives.  Things for me like, licking the spoon when finishing a recipe (yes, those calories count!!!) or going back for the crusted cheese that semi-burnt on the side of the pan.  What's one little bite, right?  For a food addict, one little bite is as dangerous as one little sip of alcohol is to an alcoholic; as one "hit" is to a drug addict; as one trip to the casino is to the person addicted to gambling.  Every single day, I must make the choice to not bow to the food god that wants to control me.  Instead, I must focus my eyes on the One True God that has Created me.  Every. Single. Day.

I saw this saying and thought it was worth remembering.  "My stomach is not a garbage can."  I refuse to treat it that way any longer!

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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14