This Surgery Won't Cure Your Food Addiction

::taps mic::  Hello...is this thing on??

Yes, yes.  I know.  It's been a while.  I've been avoiding blogging, though I probably needed to write more than anything.  I've always used this blog as a way to get out what's in my head.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  In the midst of it all, I've been totally transparent and hopefully by doing so I was able to heal and overcome the stronghold food has had on my life.  

So what happens when I stop blogging?  The transparency is gone.  The bad habits want to creep back in.  I find myself thinking old thoughts.  I find myself on a familiar road...one that I do NOT want to be on.  I have found myself so consumed with the desire to be "normal" that I am not making healthy choices for me.  How crazy is that?  I somehow think that normal for me isn't healthy.  (just had that thought as I was typing...see why I need to write???)  

I've used the "f" word more recently.  Things like, "I feel fat today."  or "This shirt makes me look fat."  Why have I let that word creep back into my vocabulary?  Even more importantly, why do I believe it???  I'm afraid of the scales again.  Afraid of what they might say.  CME has been great and often picks me up.  Literally.  To try to help me understand reality.  I love him so much!  Even so, those words haven't kept me from making some bad choices. 

Please don't get me wrong, I'm not back at the stage of binge eating or eating until I feel like I'm going to explode.  But I'm not measuring.  I'm allowing myself to have things I wouldn't this time last year.  I'm still watching total sugars, but have been more daring.  I've found myself grazing more again.  Not necessarily bad things, but extra calories I don't need since I'm not hungry.  And when I have those things and I see that someone takes notice...with a questioning look or sometimes even a "can/should you have that?" comment...I feel the same as I use to feel when I'd walk through a buffet line...totally judged.  So then what does that lead to?  Hiding what I'm eating.  (Not there yet, but that's one of the familiar roads I keep staring down.)  UGH!  What an ugly cycle. 

I've said this before too.  This surgery won't cure your food addiction.  Every. single. day. is a battle.  Every. single. day. I have to choose to live addiction free.  I am not healed fully, but that is because I take things back that I gave away.  And that makes me really mad!  I had given all these lies and temptations up...I totally turned them over to God.  And now...NOW...I've taken them back.  Why do I think I need them?  I definitely don't want them! 

So I'm asking for your prayers.  Please pray that I fully allow God to heal me.  That I can go back to the understanding that for me, food can only be my manna.  What I need to survive and thrive.  THAT is my normal.  This journey is a testimony.  One that I've shared often at how His hand has been all over it and that His blessings are evident through it.  I want it to continue to bring honor to Him.  I don't want people to question His strength or His ability when I am the one who is responsible for my actions.  

May tonight be the start of that release... 
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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

I Can Pray

CME and I were at Walmart this past weekend when we were approached by the mom of a friend of our oldest son.  I don't know her exact words, but it went something like this... "I need you to do me a big favor.  I need you to pray for my husband.  He's in the hospital in <city 90 miles away> and isn't doing well."

He had gastric bypass in that city about a week or so ago.  He was sent home, but had a leak, became septic and had a hematoma on his liver.  His kidneys were even beginning to shut down.  She was needing to finish some last minute purchases before school started this morning and then was leaving the kids with friends and heading back to the hospital.  I'm not sure that she knew I had RNY...though I'm guessing she did.  But that's not why she approached us.  She wanted...needed...prayer.  So I prayed with her...right there in the kitchen gadget aisle.  I prayed for complete healing for her husband and for peace for her and her children as they navigate this time. Our son asked the friend today how her dad was doing; she said he seems to be better.  Praise God!  Though I know that prayers are still needed.

I don't really know how to describe how hearing her husband's story made me feel.  Grateful?  Yes.  Saddened?  Yes.  Guilty that God has blessed me and my surgery?  Yes.  Confused as to why others (those who have a personal relationship with Jesus like I do and those who don't) have complications?  Of course.  I am reminded that this family will not have the same experience that I have had.  I am reminded that gastric bypass surgery is not the "easy way" out.  I am reminded  that the gift He has given me is not to be taken for granted.

What I do know is that this family needs prayer.  There's not a lot I can do in this situation, but I can pray.  I am thankful that she felt compelled to ask us.  I am grateful that God has given me the courage to pray in the middle of a public place - not caring what the world may think about that.  But most of all, I am so humbled that we have a Creator that loves us and hears our prayers...always.

So...how can I pray for you?

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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

Sooner Than Expected

I received a call this morning from my bariatric center. The person they had scheduled to talk at this evening's orientation meeting is ill and can't make it so they wanted to know if I would be willing to share my story tonight! I said yes. EEK!!!

I have nothing prepared and work is way too busy right now for me to even consider trying to come up with something today. I will trust God to put the words in my mouth that the attendees need to hear...not only about the program, but about how He sees them!

Prayers needed and gratefully accepted!!