It's All About Choices

In less than a month, I will be celebrating my one year "surgiversary".  Like the rest of life, it seems like it was forever ago and yet it also seems like it was just yesterday.  As I get closer to that date, my brain sometimes wonders what the next year will bring for me.  There are still inklings of doubt that creep into my mind.  Those "you're going to just gain it back" lies that Satan tries to tell me.  But I know that through God's power, He will provide me the strength and tools to defeat that lie as well!  

A realization came to me this week.  One that clearly should have been here sooner:  Every outcome is a direct result of the choices I make.  This hit me as I was trying to decide what to eat for my afternoon snack. (Still eating every 2-3 hours)  My choices were a protein bar or greek yogurt.  Each was less than 10g sugar; each had 10g of protein.  But here was the number that was my deciding factor.  The protein bar had 170 calories; the greek yogurt had 100.  Though I really thought the crunchiness of the protein bar was appealing, I decided on the yogurt.  It was a choice that I felt needed to be made.  The yogurt satisfied me just as well as the protein bar would have and I "saved" my body from 70 extra calories.  Does that mean that I'll never have a protein bar again? Absolutely not.  It means that I must continue to make conscious decisions on what I put in my body.  Gastric bypass surgery is a tool.  It is not the cure-all, fix-all, for my food addiction.  

Little habits have a way of sneaking back into our lives.  Things for me like, licking the spoon when finishing a recipe (yes, those calories count!!!) or going back for the crusted cheese that semi-burnt on the side of the pan.  What's one little bite, right?  For a food addict, one little bite is as dangerous as one little sip of alcohol is to an alcoholic; as one "hit" is to a drug addict; as one trip to the casino is to the person addicted to gambling.  Every single day, I must make the choice to not bow to the food god that wants to control me.  Instead, I must focus my eyes on the One True God that has Created me.  Every. Single. Day.

I saw this saying and thought it was worth remembering.  "My stomach is not a garbage can."  I refuse to treat it that way any longer!

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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

Scales Don't Define Me

I weigh myself a lot less frequently than I did right after surgery.  Today is a good example why.  I gained 2.2# this week!  I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I was a little freaked out and a whole lot of frustrated!  How in the world does a person gain 2.2# this soon after surgery?  I mean, isn’t my body still in the malabsorption stage? The quantity of food I eat is still relatively small.  What on earth did I do to GAIN 2.2# this week?  Then I realized that I couldn’t even go back and look at my food journal to determine where I went amiss…because I haven’t consistently logged my food the last couple of months.  Sure, I’d log here and there...mainly to figure out how much protein I was getting if I thought I was low...but to put every bite of food/drink that went into my mouth into the log?  Nope, didn’t do it.

So this morning, after the scales made me mad (because obviously it was their fault!), I realized that I am still holding on to some old habits.  Habits that I must change.  I do know that weight fluctuates.  I do know that I could weigh tomorrow and “possibly” have lost the same amount of weight (especially considering the numerous trips to the restroom today) – though I’m doubtful of that.  Know what I else I know?  I know that this gain is not a defeat.  I know that I must make the permanent changes to have a permanent result.  This is not the easy way out.  This is work.  This is hard.  

I know that I am not to take this gift from my Creator for granted! Most importantly, I know that the scale does not define me.  God defines me and I am a work in progress.  I am continually growing and learning and embracing my role as His child…as His daughter. Those are the truths that I cling to.  Those are the truths that define me and that pave the way of this journey.

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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

Stinkin' Thinkin'

I must confess that some emotional aspects of this journey are hard to overcome.  I have avoided the scales for nearly two weeks now.  I'm not sure why, but I think I was "scared" to weigh as this time of the year is usually soooo bad for me.  I found thoughts like these in my head: "Have you broken your pouch?"  "You've not been journaling...you've probably gained weight like usual."  "If you avoid the scale, you won't be disappointed." 

I bit the bullet this morning and got on the scales.  I have dropped 7.5# in 13 days!  OVER CHRISTMAS EVEN!!!  I knew I made good choices.  I knew I hadn't eaten anything I couldn't/shouldn't, but the fear of those scales had me in a headlock!  

I'm so glad I broke through that stupid head issue!  Take that you nasty nasty piece of stinkin' thinkin!

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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

Thoughts and such...

I realize that I've not blogged much this month.  Part of it was intentional.  Part of it was to stay away from the internet and electronic world as much as possible.  I didn't want to lose sight of the meaning and season of CHRISTmas.  I didn't want January 1 to come and wonder, "Wow...did I truly focus on CHRIST?"  I'm glad I used my time in other ways, like family game nights and crafting gifts as well as more time spent in the Word.  However, I do think I missed blogging.  Sometimes it's just nice to get thoughts and such out of my head.  :)

So let me try to remember things I wanted to say...

The Pits - I was struggling.  Really.  Did you know that armpits (ha!  fooled ya!) are concave and that when you shave them, it's not a guarantee that you'll get all the hair if you're not paying close attention?  I didn't.  I didn't have any idea until I was drying my hair one morning (after having just shaved the pits) and realized I had missed a whole section on both pits!  Whole. Sections.  Why?  Because my pits are no longer like little mounds under my arm...they are truly pits.  Go figure!

Coffee - One of the things I was concerned with prior to surgery was the ability to drink coffee post-surgery.  I'm not going to lie.  I missed coffee for a while.  Now?  I don't.  Why? I'm drinking coffee.  Not nearly as much as I use to (3/4 of a pot a day might have been excessive to begin with) but I am enjoying it one cup at a time. CME got me the family a Mr. Coffee single serve coffee brewer (Kuerig K-cup compatible) that I use daily. Love the variety and the single servings!

Clothes - had to break down and go shopping again. I had one pair of pants that actually fit.  All others were too big.  I bought mostly size 12 pants, but did find one pair of size 10 (TEN!!!) jeans that fit too.  Most shirts I wear now are a medium.  I can't wrap my brain around that size. LoL  Really!  I look at the shirt and think, "there is no way that will fit!"  But it does.  SO strange, yet SO exciting!

Weight - I've not weighed in over two weeks now.  I'm not sure why.  I don't know if I'm afraid of what the scales will say or if I'm just not as interested in the number.  (I'm thinking it's more of the fear factor.)  I plan on weighing on Sunday.  That seems to be my "weigh-in" day.

Exercise - still my nemesis.  I've not been to an exercise class in nearly 2 months. TWO. MONTHS!  I really do like the Body Pump class.  I just need to get back into the habit of going.  I've kind of fallen back into the old habit of "I'm too busy" when in all honesty, I'm choosing not to go.  This will change...I cannot do this without a consistent exercise plan.  And by do this, I mean make this a life long change, not just another temporary weight loss.  Exercise will be key!!!

Shrinkles - UGH!!!  That's what I think about that!!  The excess skin is nasty.  The droopiness of it all is frustrating.  Good thing I can hide it under clothes!

Food - I made it through the CHRISTmas holiday fairly unscathed food wise.  I made lasagna for our family gathering and ate the stuffing out of it.  I chose to avoid the noodles so I could have more of the good stuff!  A couple moments of, "I wish I could have a little of that" hit me...like the banana split cake or hot wassail my dad always makes.  But for the most part, I didn't feel cheated by not eating the other goodies... fettuccine alfredo, fudge / candies, cookies, etc.  Well, I did have 1/2 of an oatmeal cookie my sister made...she made them with Splenda.  :)  I haven't measured/journaled nearly like I should and I haven't gotten my protein in while on break this week.  Both of those need to change.  All in all, food was not a focus for me...praise God!

Rings - One of the "smaller" features for me were my hands.  At my largest, my ring fingers were a size 7.  That's not big for someone whose weight once topped 300 lbs!  (did I just admit that in writing?!)  I really didn't think I'd lose weight in my hands.  I was wrong.  A few weeks back, I went to wave at a friend and my wedding rings slid all the way to the top of my finger!  That was a clear indicator that I needed to have them re-sized!  I was amazed that my ring size is now a 5.5.  Though I could wear a 5, getting it over my knuckle was painful so I opted to go for the 5.5 so it wouldn't be uncomfortable this summer.

Reflections - literally.  Every now and again, I'll catch a reflection in a window and have to do a double take to realize that it's me.  What stands out to me are my legs.  I'm use to seeing LARGE legs in a reflection and when I see them now, it shocks me.  My legs aren't large anymore and I can even see my knee caps when I'm sitting down.  Defined kneecaps.  Crazy!

Reactions - I'm still not use to the reactions of others; people who haven't seen me in years; people who had no idea I had surgery.  I enjoy their kind words and compliments, but I find myself blushing at their "oozing" comments.  (Let me clarify that...these are comments from women! LoL)  Also, I'm sure CME is tired of some of the questions he gets asked, "What about your new skinny wife?"  "What do you think of her weight loss?"  He is so sweet in his responses, which are usually as simple as, "She's the same person to me."  or "Her weight doesn't matter to me."  He rocks.

Pictures - I've finally started to recognize differences in pictures.  Sometimes I see it when it's just me in the picture (like the one below that CME took while I was making my sister's Christmas gift) but I mainly see it when looking at pictures from this time last year.  I find it hard to look at the before pictures knowing that those are me!  I don't even recognize myself in those.  I guess I truly didn't see that version of me. 

CME - I can't blog about this journey without acknowledging the incredible love and support that I've gotten from my husband.  From the first time sitting in the informational meeting through every step of this process, he has been amazing.  He may not always understand how I feel or how some things affect me, but he has always been loving and supportive.  I am so blessed to be his wife!  143 CME!

So there's some catching up for the month.  I have said this before and I will continue to say it.  God has given me the strength to pursue this journey.  He has continued to open my eyes to His definition of healthy and He is the one who deserves the glory for the successes I've experienced.  I can't imagine how anyone goes through this life...this journey...without Him!

Now...here are some pictures to help me see the difference a year can make.  

Working on my sister's necklace

December 23, 2012

Christmas Eve 2011 - Notice me trying to "hide" behind the boys as much as possible.

With my oldest (and gbaby!)

Christmas Eve 2012 - what a difference!  Not hiding and look at how tall Parker has gotten!!

My every day hero!!!  <3

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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

Hello December!

I can't believe it's December already.  Really, I can't!  A full week into the month already and I don't even know how the past 7 months have gone by so quickly.  I can only imagine how quickly this month is going to go considering how busy it will be.  I need to consciously choose to slow down and enjoy the CHRISTmas season, otherwise it will blow past me almost unnoticed...

Anyway, let me see if I can give a few quick updates.  (Okay, so this may not be quick...we will see!)

After the sports bra mishap, I did go buy a new one.  Tried it out this week and I can say that "the girls" didn't even try to escape.  That'll teach 'em!  I also must admit that I am not liking the running thing at all.  I think I used the word "loathe" in describing it to Missy.  For any of you who are runners...good for you!  I still plan on jogging to the best of my ability on Saturday - my son deserves my effort especially since we really had to encourage him to run cross country.  Please pray that I go into it with a positive mind and not dreading it and grudgingly doing it like I'm thinking as I type this.

I also purchased new underwear.  (Sorry if that's TMI too!)  I really didn't know what size to get, so I guessed.  When I got home, I pulled them out of the package and looked at them with the 'there is no way I'll ever fit into those!' look.  CME and I cracked up!!  Now, their elasticity helps, I'm sure, but they fit! They fit well, actually.  And they are a fraction of the pair I pulled out from the dresser to compare them with.  Honest!!  If I didn't think that guys read this blog, I'd probably even post a picture of the comparison...but that's way out of my comfort zone for mixed company!

I had lunch this past week with a friend from my past.  We hadn't seen each other in a couple of years.  She had no idea I had gastric bypass surgery.  When she entered the restaurant, I had to get up to greet her because she had no idea who I was.  It was GREAT!  She is still the positive and encouraging friend that I knew back when.  We got to catch up on a lot and I was able to share how this journey is more than weight loss for me, but that it is a transformation inside and out that God is orchestrating.  She reminded me of something I said to her probably close to 20 years ago.  I had left a Weight Watchers meeting and told her one of the things that was shared: What I sneak and eat today, the world will see tomorrow.  I couldn't believe she remembered that, because I had obviously forgotten it over the years!  Regardless, she was so happy for me and so encouraging.  Love that lady!

Oh yeah, I had forgotten to blog about this experience, but since I want this blog to be about all aspects of this, I need to confess that some habits die hard.  A couple of weekends ago, I was home alone.  Working from home actually.  MULTIPLE times that day I found myself wandering into the kitchen, opening the refrigerator repeatedly; looking around and closing it.  Probably the sixth or seventh time I did that it hit me.  "WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING?  YOU'RE NOT HUNGRY!  GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN!"  Now the good thing is that we hadn't been to the grocery store yet and there was nothing healthy for me to snack on so I didn't eat anything.  That alone is a victory, but what if there had been something I could eat?  I would have been grazing...even if it's healthy food, grazing is NOT a healthy habit.  I had fallen prey to one of those "trigger" situations from my past.  Alone. Bored.  I am so grateful that I did finally realize the pattern.  It serves as a good reminder that I still don't have this whole thing conquered.  I will have to be aware at all times.  

Shrimp.  It's something that I never really ate.  It's now something I'm searching for when eating out.  CME and I had a date night and went to Applebee's.  I have decided that I really like their grilled jalapeno-lime shrimp from their Weight Watchers menu.  I didn't eat the rice (still don't like to fill up on rice when the other really yummy stuff is better for me anyway!) and had about 1/2 cup of the shrimp and the leftovers for lunch the next day.  I like shrimp.  Who'da thunk it?

Those are my updates for now.  Now, needing to put that whole "slow down and enjoy the season" thought into action because after all Jesus is the reason for the season and so deserves all my attention.  Hoping you can enjoy this CHRISTmas season as well!

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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14