Don't Look Back...

... You're not going that way. 

I need that reminder. I'm not sure why I'm feeling a little out of sorts. Maybe it's because I am approaching my 3 year surgiversary. Maybe it's because I've seen some old habits creep back in. Maybe it's because I am not liking the pictures I've seen of me lately. Maybe it's because one of the international friends of mine said my weight was better (too skinny last time) aka I've gained weight since I saw her last. Whatever the cause, I'm feeling a bit...over anxious about it. 

CME actually got a bit snippy with me because of it. He reminded me a number was never the goal. Healthy is the goal. I feel healthy...physically, but the mental part of this process can still be difficult! I know those of you who haven't gone through this don't really understand. Some days *I* don't even understand. Regardless this is hard work. Really hard. So hard in fact I've said that I don't recommend this surgery for anyone not willing to put in the effort. To be fully committed to a LIFE change. 

So why do I keep looking back with trepidation? Why must this be a constant battle? I thought I had fully turned this situation over to God, but I apparently keep grabbing on to it. That frustrates me even more! Anyway, I'm not going back, so I must look that way! Needed this reminder this evening. Thankful that God is faithful even when I stumble!

Confession

Ahh!!!  I need this space today!  And by space, I mean the white space on this page so I can get some of the garbage out of my brain that's haunted me this past week.  Okay, maybe that's a bit dramatic, but there have been thoughts and actions that I need to "own" and get back under control.

I've mentioned before that many times I find this blog to be my accountability partner.  I really do mean that. Somehow I feel more accountable for my actions if I am honest and open about my struggles as well as sometimes just downright defiance.  Today I really need to be honest and open - so here goes!

I just got back in town after a week of visiting some dear friends in Dearborn, Michigan.  It was an amazing trip in every aspect!  However, when I'm out of town, I seem to eat more.  I don't have my normal schedule, I don't necessarily watch sugars and fats and I definitely consume more breads/doughy foods than I otherwise would.  I let old habits creep back in.  Why is that?  Part of it is because the food is YUMMY and not something we readily have available here.  But is that reason to over do it?  Do I think that food won't be available next time I'm there?  Of course it will be! So that's no excuse.  Part of it is because I now can eat more and a larger variety of foods.  But that doesn't mean I should.  THAT is the part that's hard.  Just because I can, doesn't mean I should.  (Saying it again for my own ears...just because I can, doesn't mean I should.)

I was discussing this with one of the friends who went with me and I told her that I need to get back to the place where food truly is my manna - what is needed to survive.  It's meant to sustain me, not entertain me.  My story is different than some.  I am a food addict.  (Or as Susie said, recovering food addict.)  Either way, I must constantly be aware of how I'm treating my body.  I really am not beating myself up about it, rather I am confessing.  I am laying it out there so I can move beyond this week.  God reveals to me that I am out of control again... (He does that often in other areas of my life too!) and that I don't have to wait until Monday to fix it.  Each moment of each day I can call on Him to get me through the temptation and that's what I am doing.  And on another positive note, I actually lost 0.2 pounds this week - or basically stayed the same.  Even so, I needed the reminder to get it together so I don't blow what He's doing in me!

God gifted me with this opportunity to get healthy.  Through this, I was able -  just this week - to share with the International ladies I was teaching that because of God I've regained my health.  Through Him I've been able to lose over 130 pounds.  This journey is a testimony.  I intend to keep it that way!

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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

Hanging Up The Jersey

It's officially time to put away my new Colts jersey.  As Andrew Luck himself said, "the Patriots deserved to win."  (Ugh, that stings even typing it!!)  

No, this isn't a football blog... you're at the right place.  But what a disappointing end to a really good season!  My beloved Colts couldn't stop the run, we couldn't catch important passes and Luck had 4 interceptions!  This is a young team and I'm sure we've got many good years ahead of us, but blah!

All that brings you to my jersey reality check. See, the last jersey I had no longer fit.  Not even as a night shirt!  CME, being the awesome hubby that he his, got me a new one for Christmas!  The reality check is in the pictures below...first, me in my new jersey...the last two pictures are of me in 2008 at a Colts game. The Manning jersey was a Men's XXXL...and was snug in places. My new jersey is a Ladies' Medium!  The reality check of where I've come from happened when I compared the pictures side by side.

McAfee is awesome!

Thumbs up for Manning!

Colts fan, first and foremost; Manning fan second...so now Go Broncos!

Old pictures are hard to look at. They represent times when I was trapped. Trapped in a life that I had created. Trapped in the lies that I let the world tell me about who I was. Trapped in moments of constant pain - either physical or emotional. But they are also reminders of how God has delivered me from all of that! How He has been so faithful to guide me step by step and to heal my wounded heart. 

So even as I hang up the jersey for another year, I can be happy! Thank you Jesus for your unending faithfulness! I am blessed!
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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

You are Loved

I've been trying to figure out what to post for such a joyous occasion.  I don't think I've ever concealed the fact that I am a follower of Jesus and it's through His strength I've been able to walk this weightloss journey.  But that is just a minuscule fact in comparison to the true celebration of who He is.

Last night, as I was sitting in a quiet house only lit by the lights on our Christmas tree, I was thinking about how much God loves us.  How He longs for us to know Him intimately and to spend eternity with Him.  But our God is a holy God and cannot be with unholy people.  So what did He do to solve this issue?  He sent Jesus!  Jesus was perfect.  He never sinned and He was sent to be the holy bridge between man and God.  What kind of love is that?!  That is the most beautiful love ever possible.  Jesus came to sanctify us and to reunite us with God for all eternity!  He loves us that much!!!  That is the biggest reason to celebrate...especially this season! 

The prophet Isaiah foretold of this event.  In Isaiah 9:6, he said, "For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counselor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace."  Seven hundred years before Jesus was born, God was planning for us...for you and for me...to be part of his family.  Yes, this is the true celebration.  The celebration of the Lord, Jesus Christ!  

I'm thankful today that God loves us so much; thankful that He sent His Son to this world; that we may be made pure through His unselfish sacrifice.  

May you enjoy the celebration of the King of kings, and Lord of lords during this CHRISTmas season!

PS - You're invited to the celebration too!  Click here for your invitation:  You're Invited

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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

Battleground

Every day is a battle.  

We just returned from a quick holiday weekend with CME's family in Michigan.  It was a wonderful time with lots of family that we don't see enough and plenty of food.  Not only were we celebrating July 4th, but also CME and his Grampa's birthdays.  There were trays of veggies and dips, fruits, pies, brats and burgers. Though I chose wisely on what I was eating, my eating "pattern" was totally messed up.  CME asked me once if I realized I'd been eating continuously for nearly an hour.  He was right - and yes, I was aware.  I was justifying it in my mind that I was eating veggies...which I was....with a little of the various dips.  But he was right, so I left the kitchen.

My first reaction to CME was that of hurt feelings.  Why did he even notice?  Was he "watching" me?  I'll admit it, I was frustrated.  I knew I was eating...and I knew it had been over a period of time. (aka grazing) The more I thought about it though, the more I realized I needed that reminder.  Remember a while back when I said that even healthy grazing is still grazing?  I cannot fall back into that pattern long term.  I'm not overly concerned about a one-day event like the 4th, but for food addicts (yes, I'm still a food addict) grazing is a slippery slope.  Though first annoyed, I'm glad I had CME there to help me keep things in perspective...sort of like my own personal cheerleader.  I did fine the rest of the weekend and overall am pleased with my efforts, but really need to improve in my self-monitoring and stop justifying unhealthy habits.

I ran into some old thinking while grocery shopping today.  Seriously.  Usually CME and I go together, but he's at work and our refrigerator and cupboards were bare.  I picked up a lot of fruits and vegetables, but I also had things in my cart that I "thought" would be nice for the boys while home this week: key lime cupcake mix (it was on sale!); chips; ice cream.  Then when I picked up the candy bars at the check out line I had an aha! moment.  What on earth was I doing?  The boys don't NEED any of that.  And I certainly don't.  So I got out of line, put the unhealthy junk away and realized that I was falling back into some old patterns...ones that would lead to unhealthy choices for not only me, but for my family.  Another reminder that I need to regain better self-monitoring abilities.  I have gotten a little lax in my food discipline now that I'm 14 months post-op and don't need to lose more weight.  That lackadaisical attitude is exactly how Satan will creep back in and tempt me to go back to an unhealthy life.  That is not an option.  God is in control and He reminds me - through CME and random thoughts - that my life is to bring Him glory; therefore I need to keep fighting the battle. Every. single. day.  

I'm in no way beating myself up about the issue, but just trying to keep it real here and keep myself accountable for all actions; good or bad.  I'm thankful for CME.  I'm thankful that God is so faithful!!  I am blessed.

Family goodies - looks like it's right off Pinterest, yes??

Birthday boys!

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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

A Couple of Things to Share

Oh where to even start?!?  A few things I wanted to get down in writing today, but I'm overly tired from a very long Saturday and the words just aren't flowing like I'd like.  So I think I'm going to just makes some random paragraphs... (hey...it happens!)

"Don't lose any more weight."  "You've lost too much weight."  "You're too skinny."  "Are you about done losing weight because you're getting too thin?!"  All comments I'm hearing recently.  I totally and fully understand that these comments are coming from well intended hearts.  They're not criticizing, they're coming from a place of concern.  Once I tell them my weight (currently 151.2) and say, "If you didn't know me and saw me, you'd not think, "oh!  that girl is too skinny!"  I'm at a good place.  I'm at a healthy weight.  Do I know if I'll lose more?  No.  It's not even been 12 months since surgery.  There is a chance I will still lose weight.  I just don't know.  Regardless, I'm at a healthy spot now.  What this does bring to light is that it's not only MY brain that has to be retrained on what I look like, but others' brains as well!  People have only really known me 100+ heavier, so the contrast (especially for those I don't see often) is a bit alarming.  The only part of this whole thing that bothers me a little is that I feel the need to explain the days I'm overly tired (like today).  Looking tired probably adds to their concern.  But the tiredness is not related to the weight loss - yet I feel I need to explain it.  -shrug-  It's okay.  I know that the comments are out of love.  I'm blessed!

Support group on Tuesday night was a blessing as well.  My friend "M" (that I met because of this blog) was there and is looking fantastic.  She looks healthy and happy and it was good to see her!  It was "show and tell" night and we all got a moment to share our stories and before and after pictures if we had them.  I took a few pictures...a couple from a trip to Cambodia in 2009, one from the summer before I embarked on this journey and one or two others at what was probably my very heaviest.  There were reasons I chose each one...but the main reason for the Cambodia trip pictures was because it was a VERY difficult time in my life for a lot of reasons.  Mentally the trip was horrible for me.  Physically, not much better.  There were some really good things that happened, don't get me wrong, but literally, it was the first time that I KNEW people were laughing at my weight.  How did I know?  Because with their pointing fingers and laughter came the words, "You so fat!"  Or there was this little bitty old Cambodian lady who literally started pinching my fat rolls.  It was horrifying!  In their defense, I (now) know they didn't know any better.  In their eyes, I must be wealthy because I had money to buy a LOT of food.  I also remember feeling bad for the elephant that I rode through the jungle.  I actively searched out the smallest team member to ride with hoping it would balance out the weight enough so the elephant would be ok.  True story.  Regardless, I look at those pictures now and realize that God has freed me from those lies.  I am no longer trapped by the embarrassment and shame of obesity!  

Speaking of support group - met a new friend.  I'll call her "K".  I loved hearing her show and tell story.  She openly talked about God healing her mentally/spiritually in order for Him to heal her physically.  I was beaming with excitement just hearing her speak of the power of Jesus Christ!  She also believes that the bariatric center we chose is wonderful on so many levels.  She calls it the "wrap around" program (or something like that) because they address every area...the surgery, the emotional/mental side, the nutrition.  I have always given them a lot of credit...and rightfully so!  K and I stayed around a chatted after support group was over.  Wow!  She's a wonderfully motivating person and I am thankful she decided to join us Tuesday night!

Temptations have been presenting themselves to me a lot lately.  Maybe they're not new, maybe I'm just more aware of them the farther out from surgery that I get. Regardless they are there.  Most days, I do really well in fighting them.  Other days it's a struggle.  (This is one thing K and I discussed.)  Again, I find myself tempted to pick up old habits.  In talking with K, I said something that was a revelation to me.  I believe Satan would love for me to fail at this.  Not only so he could whisper his nasty lies to me and hold me in bondage again, but I believe it's because I've been vocal about this being God's victory in my life.  If I "fail" then people may wonder how powerful He truly is.  Let me tell you this...if *I* fail, it wouldn't be because God isn't powerful.  It would be because I chose to not rely on His power.  There's a huge difference!  For the record...I have absolutely NO intention on failing!

Part of my tiredness today is because of a very full schedule yesterday.  I was up at 5:15am and left the house at 7:15am then didn't get back home until 1:30am this morning; then had to be up and out of the house by 7:00am today!  Except for the hour and a half that I was home yesterday afternoon...making a chicken salad...we were on the go non-stop.  Freshman Orientation for our oldest son was good for him, but a long repetitive experience for CME and me.  The thing I took away this time is that the school's latest Newsweek ranking is #7 in the Nation and #1 in the Midwest.  (I don't remember what it was last year...but pretty much the same!)  Anyway, after that we helped finish getting things set up for the 911 Gives Hope Guns & Hoses charity boxing event happening later that night.  A notable NSV for me came as I (literally) ran up the stairs at the Ford Center multiple times over the afternoon and evening...without even being out of breath!  These aren't some little stairs... this is an arena... tall... lots of steps.  Yeah...I did that!    

Some really proud moments watching CME and our oldest walk around with their VIP Passes.  It was a great bonding time for them as they were able to talk with the fighters, hear the pep talks, etc.  For an almost 14 year old boy, I don't think it gets much better than to feel extra special as your dad's sidekick!  For CME, I think it was a proud moment to be able to introduce our son to so many from the local police/fire/ems community.  Our youngest son was camping with Scouts - so it was good one-on-one time for the oldest.  After 12 rounds of police vs fire boxing, we helped tear down and count remaining merchandise.  Though it was done in record time, it was approaching midnight when someone suggested we all go to Steak and Shake.  Though tired, I was okay with going.  These are people that CME works with as part of the 911 Gives Hope Board...and it's good to be able to sit down outside that venue and share some "friend" time.

My final thought on the night is a victory that I'm claiming!  As the 15 of us are sitting around Steak and Shake, I really thought I wanted the Cheddar Scrambler.  I thought I wanted eggs...and cheese...and well, it just sounded good.  Know what I ordered?  A banana.  Yes, I went to Steak and Shake and ordered a banana while everyone else had milk shakes and burgers and fries and chili and eggs.  Yes, I had two bites of CME's meal (it had eggs!), but I enjoyed my banana!  It tasted good!  It was a sweet victory for me -  may seem like a silly thing to be excited about but I am.  It's the little things that make me smile some days.  Today, it's a banana...
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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

We Interrupt this Blog...

...for a "guest" post from Paige at Finding Joy in the Journey.  She has beautifully posted about the cowardly bombings at the Boston marathon yesterday.  Though I've never run in a marathon...or even a half marathon...I know the bond between runners is strong.  I've witnessed it in even the 5k races I've participated in over the past year.  Paige gave me permission to link to her blog...so please take the time to read the entry at the link below.  

Praying for God's peace...one that only HE can provide...for the racers, their families and friends, for the community and for our nation.

Read Paige's entry here:  My Boston Friends
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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

It's All About Choices

In less than a month, I will be celebrating my one year "surgiversary".  Like the rest of life, it seems like it was forever ago and yet it also seems like it was just yesterday.  As I get closer to that date, my brain sometimes wonders what the next year will bring for me.  There are still inklings of doubt that creep into my mind.  Those "you're going to just gain it back" lies that Satan tries to tell me.  But I know that through God's power, He will provide me the strength and tools to defeat that lie as well!  

A realization came to me this week.  One that clearly should have been here sooner:  Every outcome is a direct result of the choices I make.  This hit me as I was trying to decide what to eat for my afternoon snack. (Still eating every 2-3 hours)  My choices were a protein bar or greek yogurt.  Each was less than 10g sugar; each had 10g of protein.  But here was the number that was my deciding factor.  The protein bar had 170 calories; the greek yogurt had 100.  Though I really thought the crunchiness of the protein bar was appealing, I decided on the yogurt.  It was a choice that I felt needed to be made.  The yogurt satisfied me just as well as the protein bar would have and I "saved" my body from 70 extra calories.  Does that mean that I'll never have a protein bar again? Absolutely not.  It means that I must continue to make conscious decisions on what I put in my body.  Gastric bypass surgery is a tool.  It is not the cure-all, fix-all, for my food addiction.  

Little habits have a way of sneaking back into our lives.  Things for me like, licking the spoon when finishing a recipe (yes, those calories count!!!) or going back for the crusted cheese that semi-burnt on the side of the pan.  What's one little bite, right?  For a food addict, one little bite is as dangerous as one little sip of alcohol is to an alcoholic; as one "hit" is to a drug addict; as one trip to the casino is to the person addicted to gambling.  Every single day, I must make the choice to not bow to the food god that wants to control me.  Instead, I must focus my eyes on the One True God that has Created me.  Every. Single. Day.

I saw this saying and thought it was worth remembering.  "My stomach is not a garbage can."  I refuse to treat it that way any longer!

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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

Curiosity

So my brain got the best of me this morning and I was curious to see what the scales had to say today. Guess what! The scales showed me at the same weight that I was before I weighed yesterday. Exactly. 2.2# less than yesterday. But here's what's weird. The weight from yesterday didn't save on my Wii profile. Erased. Gone. Actually it's as if it never existed in the first place! That has never happened before and I was so excited. Let me explain why this tidbit is so important to me.

This missing data on the Wii, reminded me that this journey really is about Jesus. As I stand before our Holy God, Jesus will be my advocate and it will be as if every sin and every transgression of mine never existed. Jesus has already paid the price for my many many failures. He has already wiped away my sins through the blood He shed on the cross. People! That is a glorious and magnificent thing!!

Every little part of this journey is revealing more and more to me and drawing me even closer to my Savior. I'm so thankful for these little insights God gives me. The transformation that He is doing on the inside far outshines what He's doing for me on the outside. The weight loss is great, but the way He has opened my eyes and continues to reveal Himself to me is beyond words!!

Scales Don't Define Me

I weigh myself a lot less frequently than I did right after surgery.  Today is a good example why.  I gained 2.2# this week!  I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I was a little freaked out and a whole lot of frustrated!  How in the world does a person gain 2.2# this soon after surgery?  I mean, isn’t my body still in the malabsorption stage? The quantity of food I eat is still relatively small.  What on earth did I do to GAIN 2.2# this week?  Then I realized that I couldn’t even go back and look at my food journal to determine where I went amiss…because I haven’t consistently logged my food the last couple of months.  Sure, I’d log here and there...mainly to figure out how much protein I was getting if I thought I was low...but to put every bite of food/drink that went into my mouth into the log?  Nope, didn’t do it.

So this morning, after the scales made me mad (because obviously it was their fault!), I realized that I am still holding on to some old habits.  Habits that I must change.  I do know that weight fluctuates.  I do know that I could weigh tomorrow and “possibly” have lost the same amount of weight (especially considering the numerous trips to the restroom today) – though I’m doubtful of that.  Know what I else I know?  I know that this gain is not a defeat.  I know that I must make the permanent changes to have a permanent result.  This is not the easy way out.  This is work.  This is hard.  

I know that I am not to take this gift from my Creator for granted! Most importantly, I know that the scale does not define me.  God defines me and I am a work in progress.  I am continually growing and learning and embracing my role as His child…as His daughter. Those are the truths that I cling to.  Those are the truths that define me and that pave the way of this journey.

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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

9 Month Post Op Appointment

In some ways it doesn't seem like it's been nine months since I had surgery, yet in other ways it seems like it was forever ago.  Regardless that's what it's been.  Nine months.  (Well, it will be on Saturday at least.)

I've said it before, but the staff at bariatric center is truly amazing.  They are so kind and genuine there.  I always see RN first.  She gets to do the fun stuff like weighing me and taking my vitals.  Should I consider it an NSV that I didn't take off all my jewelry before I weighed?  Previously, I would have - it was one of my "try to fool the scales" tricks.  Every little kilogram made a difference in my mind.  But today, I didn't care.  I didn't remove jewelry and I was down another 20 something pounds since November.  RN noted that I've lost just over 100# since surgery. (Remember their scales typically weigh me 2.5# more than my Wii.  I like my Wii better!  LoL)  My BP is was 96/60 which seems to be a new "normal" for me.  Most days, the lightheadedness reflects the much lower BP for me.  It's worse if I don't get in all my water.

MD was very pleased with my progress.  I'm not sure if I remembered this correctly but he said something like I had surpassed the "litmus test"(???) on my weight loss.  I think what he was saying is that I've exceeded the standard expectations.  He went on to say that on average, patients tend to lose 80% of their excess weight which was about 88# for me.  He said that he didn't recommend that I "try" to lose anymore, but if I were to lose more to make sure it doesn't affect my energy/strength.  He mentioned that the BMI charts are "rough" and that they don't take into consideration gender or age or muscle.  So he said he really advises his patients not to push themselves to get to a certain BMI/weight, but to learn to listen to their body and monitor things like energy levels, activity, etc.  So I guess it comes back down to what I've said recently...if I lose more, I'll be happy; if I don't lose any more, I'll be happy.  

I mentioned my not-so-good food day on Sunday.  Though he wasn't concerned, he did note it in my chart.  He asked me if I had any alcohol.  I laughed, said I couldn't lie and told him my NyQuil story.  He seemed to get a chuckle out of that too and said, "that's like 10% alcohol!  Guess you see how fast alcohol affects you now."  :)  He asked if I was having any issues with the excess skin other than it "being there."  Which I'm not...mixed blessings there!  We talked about the importance of exercise and healthy options going forward.  He reiterated the fact that the reason some people gain weight back after surgery is because they never changed their habits - going back to making poor decisions on eating and stopping exercise.  That leads to people thinking that the surgery didn't work.  It did work...the person just didn't make the necessary lifestyle changes to maintain the loss.  I. will. not. let. that. happen.  Just sayin...

RD was as nice as always. We chatted a bit, talked about my insane love of shrimp now; my PB2 vs reduced fat PB adventure; that I'm drinking coffee again; oh...and coconut.  She's going to send me a recipe for a coconut base soup.  Yum!  I'm going to send her the creamy taco soup recipe I made a couple weeks ago.  She told me to keep doing what I'm doing.  Listening to my body when I have days like I did on Sunday - which she said wasn't uncommon.  She said many patients have stories like that and if I don't get in all my protein one day, it's okay.  She did say to make sure to let them know if it's more frequent, but the occasional off day is just my body being my body.

My appointments always end with a little time with LCSW.  We talk about how things are emotionally, how I'm feeling, how I'm coping etc.  I told her that I've now personally connected with two different people because of my blog - which I find to be a cool way God is using this part of my experience!  She noted that I always give praise to God when I talk about this journey.  With tears in my eyes, this left my mouth before I knew it... "I've tried for so long to do this on my own.  When I finally turned it over to God, He has been faithful to see me through it.  How can I not give Him the praise?"  And I mean that wholeheartedly.  For over 25 years I have been clinically obese.  For over 35 years I've been overweight.  I have struggled so long.  I have tried it on my own and have repeatedly failed. I never fully let God have this part of my life. For whatever reason, I held on to it...trying to prove that I could do this.  I was wrong.  God has truly transformed me...from the inside out.  Praise God!
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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

It's Relative

"Are you at your goal weight?"  "How much more weight do you think you'll lose?" "You're losing too much weight." "You're so skinny." "Don't lose too much more..."

Lately it seems like those are a lot of the questions and comments that are coming my way from many different people in my life.  I'm not offended by them at all. I know that for the most part it is truly out of concern.  The thing I try to explain to people is that if they didn't know me that they wouldn't think I was skinny.  If we were strangers and they passed me on the street they wouldn't be concerned.  It's a relative term. The perception comes in because they are use to seeing me [morbidly] obese so there is a stark difference.  Though the MD won't give me a goal weight, technically I'm still considered to be overweight.  Only 8.5 months out from surgery I know that I will continue to lose weight for a while.  I don't know how much that will be and I don't know when my body will finally even itself out.  What I do know is that it's important for me to continue to follow the program.  I trust God to walk me through this part of the journey as well.  For Him to take my body to where it needs to be and to give me wisdom when I need it.  And through this I will continue to give Him the glory for continuing to transform me both inside and out!

Below is a glance of the transformation...and why it's all relative.

2006 - at close to my highest weight
(yes, I think I was actually even bigger than this at one point)

January 20, 2013 - not quite half of what I was in 2006

Thank you God for your transforming power!
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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

First Post of 2013

So how do I want to start the new year on my blog?  How about a really cool story about how God uses some of the strangest ways to connect people?  

Long story, but I was told tonight, by a stranger [at the time], that God has used my blog to help prepare them for their upcoming surgery.  What an encouragement that was to me!  This person happens to be having surgery next week through the same bariatric center and surgeon that I used and stumbled across my blog from the weight loss surgery forum that I frequent.  So here you have a "local" person find me through the world wide web.  Coincidence?  Oh wait, I don't believe in those...  ;-)

Upon their request, I called this person and we were able to discuss a few questions that were still looming in their mind.  I so remember where my brain was the week before surgery.  I remember just wanting to talk and talk and talk.  (Yes, those that know me know I like to talk anyway...)  I remember the emotions.  I remember the excitement and anticipation.  By the end of our conversation, we had prayed and I let this person know that if they have questions, now or after, that I am just a phone call or text away.  I know the surgery date...and time... (and facility).  I know the surgeon.  And now, I know the person.  They will continue to be in my prayers and at surgery time I will be lifting them all before God.

How on earth does a forty-five minute conversation start with, "Hi.  Is this <person>?  Hi.  This is Deedra..."  then end with, "I love you."?  It's because God connects people...through ways we may never even imagine...and He gives us a love for others that is beyond comprehension!
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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

Thoughts and such...

I realize that I've not blogged much this month.  Part of it was intentional.  Part of it was to stay away from the internet and electronic world as much as possible.  I didn't want to lose sight of the meaning and season of CHRISTmas.  I didn't want January 1 to come and wonder, "Wow...did I truly focus on CHRIST?"  I'm glad I used my time in other ways, like family game nights and crafting gifts as well as more time spent in the Word.  However, I do think I missed blogging.  Sometimes it's just nice to get thoughts and such out of my head.  :)

So let me try to remember things I wanted to say...

The Pits - I was struggling.  Really.  Did you know that armpits (ha!  fooled ya!) are concave and that when you shave them, it's not a guarantee that you'll get all the hair if you're not paying close attention?  I didn't.  I didn't have any idea until I was drying my hair one morning (after having just shaved the pits) and realized I had missed a whole section on both pits!  Whole. Sections.  Why?  Because my pits are no longer like little mounds under my arm...they are truly pits.  Go figure!

Coffee - One of the things I was concerned with prior to surgery was the ability to drink coffee post-surgery.  I'm not going to lie.  I missed coffee for a while.  Now?  I don't.  Why? I'm drinking coffee.  Not nearly as much as I use to (3/4 of a pot a day might have been excessive to begin with) but I am enjoying it one cup at a time. CME got me the family a Mr. Coffee single serve coffee brewer (Kuerig K-cup compatible) that I use daily. Love the variety and the single servings!

Clothes - had to break down and go shopping again. I had one pair of pants that actually fit.  All others were too big.  I bought mostly size 12 pants, but did find one pair of size 10 (TEN!!!) jeans that fit too.  Most shirts I wear now are a medium.  I can't wrap my brain around that size. LoL  Really!  I look at the shirt and think, "there is no way that will fit!"  But it does.  SO strange, yet SO exciting!

Weight - I've not weighed in over two weeks now.  I'm not sure why.  I don't know if I'm afraid of what the scales will say or if I'm just not as interested in the number.  (I'm thinking it's more of the fear factor.)  I plan on weighing on Sunday.  That seems to be my "weigh-in" day.

Exercise - still my nemesis.  I've not been to an exercise class in nearly 2 months. TWO. MONTHS!  I really do like the Body Pump class.  I just need to get back into the habit of going.  I've kind of fallen back into the old habit of "I'm too busy" when in all honesty, I'm choosing not to go.  This will change...I cannot do this without a consistent exercise plan.  And by do this, I mean make this a life long change, not just another temporary weight loss.  Exercise will be key!!!

Shrinkles - UGH!!!  That's what I think about that!!  The excess skin is nasty.  The droopiness of it all is frustrating.  Good thing I can hide it under clothes!

Food - I made it through the CHRISTmas holiday fairly unscathed food wise.  I made lasagna for our family gathering and ate the stuffing out of it.  I chose to avoid the noodles so I could have more of the good stuff!  A couple moments of, "I wish I could have a little of that" hit me...like the banana split cake or hot wassail my dad always makes.  But for the most part, I didn't feel cheated by not eating the other goodies... fettuccine alfredo, fudge / candies, cookies, etc.  Well, I did have 1/2 of an oatmeal cookie my sister made...she made them with Splenda.  :)  I haven't measured/journaled nearly like I should and I haven't gotten my protein in while on break this week.  Both of those need to change.  All in all, food was not a focus for me...praise God!

Rings - One of the "smaller" features for me were my hands.  At my largest, my ring fingers were a size 7.  That's not big for someone whose weight once topped 300 lbs!  (did I just admit that in writing?!)  I really didn't think I'd lose weight in my hands.  I was wrong.  A few weeks back, I went to wave at a friend and my wedding rings slid all the way to the top of my finger!  That was a clear indicator that I needed to have them re-sized!  I was amazed that my ring size is now a 5.5.  Though I could wear a 5, getting it over my knuckle was painful so I opted to go for the 5.5 so it wouldn't be uncomfortable this summer.

Reflections - literally.  Every now and again, I'll catch a reflection in a window and have to do a double take to realize that it's me.  What stands out to me are my legs.  I'm use to seeing LARGE legs in a reflection and when I see them now, it shocks me.  My legs aren't large anymore and I can even see my knee caps when I'm sitting down.  Defined kneecaps.  Crazy!

Reactions - I'm still not use to the reactions of others; people who haven't seen me in years; people who had no idea I had surgery.  I enjoy their kind words and compliments, but I find myself blushing at their "oozing" comments.  (Let me clarify that...these are comments from women! LoL)  Also, I'm sure CME is tired of some of the questions he gets asked, "What about your new skinny wife?"  "What do you think of her weight loss?"  He is so sweet in his responses, which are usually as simple as, "She's the same person to me."  or "Her weight doesn't matter to me."  He rocks.

Pictures - I've finally started to recognize differences in pictures.  Sometimes I see it when it's just me in the picture (like the one below that CME took while I was making my sister's Christmas gift) but I mainly see it when looking at pictures from this time last year.  I find it hard to look at the before pictures knowing that those are me!  I don't even recognize myself in those.  I guess I truly didn't see that version of me. 

CME - I can't blog about this journey without acknowledging the incredible love and support that I've gotten from my husband.  From the first time sitting in the informational meeting through every step of this process, he has been amazing.  He may not always understand how I feel or how some things affect me, but he has always been loving and supportive.  I am so blessed to be his wife!  143 CME!

So there's some catching up for the month.  I have said this before and I will continue to say it.  God has given me the strength to pursue this journey.  He has continued to open my eyes to His definition of healthy and He is the one who deserves the glory for the successes I've experienced.  I can't imagine how anyone goes through this life...this journey...without Him!

Now...here are some pictures to help me see the difference a year can make.  

Working on my sister's necklace

December 23, 2012

Christmas Eve 2011 - Notice me trying to "hide" behind the boys as much as possible.

With my oldest (and gbaby!)

Christmas Eve 2012 - what a difference!  Not hiding and look at how tall Parker has gotten!!

My every day hero!!!  <3

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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

The Difference A Year Makes

I was glancing through some old pictures and ran across some from this time last year.  Oh my!  What a difference a year makes!  I am so thankful that God gave me the courage to pursue gastric bypass surgery!

November 5, 2011

November 6, 2011

November 22, 2012

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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

Milestone of a Century

It's official!  As of this morning, I have lost 100.1 pounds!  I am soooooooooooooooooo excited about that milestone.  I am sooooooooooooo thankful that God provided me with the courage, strength and means to the tool of gastric bypass!

Now off to start my day.  Must find clothes to wear that will accessorize this silly grin that's going to be stuck on my face all day!

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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14