God Works Differently in Everyone's Life

I’ve spent the majority of my life being judged; if not by others, then by my own thoughts and perceptions.  I recently read something that made me realize that there is still a huge misconception and judgmental attitude about weight loss surgery.  One of the reasons that I started this blog was to help others overcome some of that mindset.  Has it worked?  Maybe.  Do I think more can be done?  Absolutely.

So let me see if I can put into words what I feel needs to be said. 

First let me address those of us who have had weight loss surgery or are researching the idea.  Kudos! Hold your head high.  More than likely, you have not gone into this without a lot of thought and consideration and hopefully a lot of prayer.  Those outside looking in at WLS patients truly may not understand the circumstances which have led you to this decision or the WLS process involved.  Show them grace - even if it stings to read/hear their opinion!  Focus on you and you journey and be proud that you are taking steps necessary to overcome your food addiction and embrace a healthy lifestyle.  Focus on God and what He has in store for your life.  Follow the plans – both your bariatric center’s plan and God’s plan.  Make this journey a healthy journey.  Grow deeper emotionally to be able to make the changes that are necessary for long term success.  You deserve it!

On to those who have lost weight without having weight loss surgery (or have never struggled with your weight to begin with)… Kudos!  Congratulations on your success!  I honestly celebrate your success with you!  Here’s where this may get a little close to stepping on toes, but I hope you’ll hear me out on this topic.  Your journey is your journey.  Please do not assume that people who have chosen to have weight loss surgery have found a gimmick or easy way out or that we can’t enjoy the same personal satisfaction or joy because we chose to have surgery.  Joy comes from the Lord – not through weight loss, regardless of how each of us loses the extra pounds!  Please educate yourself before you make assumptions.  There is nothing easy about weight loss surgery.  It is a tool that some decide to use to get healthy.  Please do not judge another’s journey to better health.  Instead, celebrate with them (us) their desire and hard work for a healthier life. 

For both groups of people – find ways to be an encouragement.  Use kind and uplifting words.  Don’t judge others’ choices.  Be an advocate of seeing ourselves as our God sees us – fearfully and wonderfully made!  Rejoice in the strength the Lord has given you to even take the first step.

To my family and friends:  I could not be more blessed!  The unending love and support that you have shown me throughout this process does not go unnoticed.  Your words of encouragement, hugs, and love make me realize that God does a much better job of selecting my friends than I do!  LOL  (no, really!)  He has placed a remarkable network of people in my life and I am forever grateful.

And a special note to CME.  You continue to bless my every day.  You have been my support line here on earth.  You have encouraged me even when I’ve felt like I wasn’t progressing as I should.  You have helped me see some things in a proper and healthy perspective.  You have helped clothe me…both financially and because your taste in style is much better than mine! LoL  You make me smile and you make me laugh.  Thank you.  I cannot imagine this journey without you in it!  143!

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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

Comparison is the Thief of Joy

I ran across this saying recently and wow did it resonate with me.  "Comparison is the Thief of Joy."  I let it sink in a bit and realized that for years I let comparison steal my joy.  I was so busy comparing myself to others that I didn't let the joy God had in store for me fully penetrate my life.  

Even in this journey, I found myself comparing my weight loss, my motivation, and my exercise habits with others or with numbers.  If I look back on some of my posts about slow weight loss, I can see the absence of joy.  I see frustration and agitation that I wasn't losing quick enough.  I would read "success stories" of someone who started out at my weight and how the pounds were just dropping off.  But me?  No!  I had to be the one losing slowly!  I realize that I was too busy letting comparison rob me of the joy of each moment; the fact that I was being transformed inside and out...emotionally and physically.  

So I urge you to stomp that thief into the ground!  Don't let comparison steal your joy!

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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

9 Month Post Op Appointment

In some ways it doesn't seem like it's been nine months since I had surgery, yet in other ways it seems like it was forever ago.  Regardless that's what it's been.  Nine months.  (Well, it will be on Saturday at least.)

I've said it before, but the staff at bariatric center is truly amazing.  They are so kind and genuine there.  I always see RN first.  She gets to do the fun stuff like weighing me and taking my vitals.  Should I consider it an NSV that I didn't take off all my jewelry before I weighed?  Previously, I would have - it was one of my "try to fool the scales" tricks.  Every little kilogram made a difference in my mind.  But today, I didn't care.  I didn't remove jewelry and I was down another 20 something pounds since November.  RN noted that I've lost just over 100# since surgery. (Remember their scales typically weigh me 2.5# more than my Wii.  I like my Wii better!  LoL)  My BP is was 96/60 which seems to be a new "normal" for me.  Most days, the lightheadedness reflects the much lower BP for me.  It's worse if I don't get in all my water.

MD was very pleased with my progress.  I'm not sure if I remembered this correctly but he said something like I had surpassed the "litmus test"(???) on my weight loss.  I think what he was saying is that I've exceeded the standard expectations.  He went on to say that on average, patients tend to lose 80% of their excess weight which was about 88# for me.  He said that he didn't recommend that I "try" to lose anymore, but if I were to lose more to make sure it doesn't affect my energy/strength.  He mentioned that the BMI charts are "rough" and that they don't take into consideration gender or age or muscle.  So he said he really advises his patients not to push themselves to get to a certain BMI/weight, but to learn to listen to their body and monitor things like energy levels, activity, etc.  So I guess it comes back down to what I've said recently...if I lose more, I'll be happy; if I don't lose any more, I'll be happy.  

I mentioned my not-so-good food day on Sunday.  Though he wasn't concerned, he did note it in my chart.  He asked me if I had any alcohol.  I laughed, said I couldn't lie and told him my NyQuil story.  He seemed to get a chuckle out of that too and said, "that's like 10% alcohol!  Guess you see how fast alcohol affects you now."  :)  He asked if I was having any issues with the excess skin other than it "being there."  Which I'm not...mixed blessings there!  We talked about the importance of exercise and healthy options going forward.  He reiterated the fact that the reason some people gain weight back after surgery is because they never changed their habits - going back to making poor decisions on eating and stopping exercise.  That leads to people thinking that the surgery didn't work.  It did work...the person just didn't make the necessary lifestyle changes to maintain the loss.  I. will. not. let. that. happen.  Just sayin...

RD was as nice as always. We chatted a bit, talked about my insane love of shrimp now; my PB2 vs reduced fat PB adventure; that I'm drinking coffee again; oh...and coconut.  She's going to send me a recipe for a coconut base soup.  Yum!  I'm going to send her the creamy taco soup recipe I made a couple weeks ago.  She told me to keep doing what I'm doing.  Listening to my body when I have days like I did on Sunday - which she said wasn't uncommon.  She said many patients have stories like that and if I don't get in all my protein one day, it's okay.  She did say to make sure to let them know if it's more frequent, but the occasional off day is just my body being my body.

My appointments always end with a little time with LCSW.  We talk about how things are emotionally, how I'm feeling, how I'm coping etc.  I told her that I've now personally connected with two different people because of my blog - which I find to be a cool way God is using this part of my experience!  She noted that I always give praise to God when I talk about this journey.  With tears in my eyes, this left my mouth before I knew it... "I've tried for so long to do this on my own.  When I finally turned it over to God, He has been faithful to see me through it.  How can I not give Him the praise?"  And I mean that wholeheartedly.  For over 25 years I have been clinically obese.  For over 35 years I've been overweight.  I have struggled so long.  I have tried it on my own and have repeatedly failed. I never fully let God have this part of my life. For whatever reason, I held on to it...trying to prove that I could do this.  I was wrong.  God has truly transformed me...from the inside out.  Praise God!
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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

Food, Thoughts, and What Nots...

There's been a lot swirling around in my brain lately.  So it's time to get some of it out.  (This usually means I have no idea what's going to leave my fingertips, nor how much...this might be a long entry!)

Food  
It's funny how I (we) cook more now than I did before. I cook for dinner and the boys lunches and for special events.  It seems like I'm constantly cooking.  What's even funnier?  I don't seem to mind!  For those of you who have known me for a while, you know that's a big deal.  And if you don't know, just ask CME.  He jokes (though it's not really a joke) that if I had my druthers I'd eat out all the time.  While that's been the case a lot, I'm actually getting to a point where I like to cook. Yes, some days I'm too tired to really put much effort into the whole thing, but I like looking for healthy ways to feed our family.  Yesterday, I even made a healthier version of a Buffalo Chicken Dip recipe for the boys' Super Bowl party at church.  I used light versions of cream cheese, ranch dressing and mozzarella cheese.  It was still delicious, but healthier.  That's the thing that I've noticed.  I am consciously looking for healthier options.  Yay!

Another example that I can think of is that I've run out of PB2.  Next to my love of shrimp, I'm thoroughly enjoying PB2 as my go-to snack.  Mix some with 1/2 a smashed banana...and oh yeah!  Last week, I was going to pick some up, but the only time I could get by bariatric center was when they were at lunch so I couldn't buy any.  I was bummed. Knowing that I have my 9 month check up this week, I figured I'd be able to make it until then.  After all, it's just PB2, right?  Wrong.  I found myself a really wanting some peanut butter last week.  I was at the store and figured that I'd just pick up a reduced fat peanut butter and be done with it.  But you know what?  A little comparison with the Reduced Fat Jif and PB2 and I just couldn't do it.  190 calories and 12g fat vs 45 calories and 1.5g of fat is a huge difference.  Not everyone is going to like PB2 and not every needs to eat the stuff.  But for someone who is wanting that peanut butter a few times a week, yes, the calorie/fat difference is a big deal!  I can't wait until Thursday when I have my appointment just so I can bring some PB2 home!

Yesterday was a not-so-good food day for me.  I started the morning by fixing an Egg Beater and a Morning Star Farms sausage patty.  Granted the egg beater was the equivalent of two scrambled eggs, but I couldn't eat half of the food that was there.  I was eating a scrambled egg and a MSF patty a couple of months after surgery without issue.  But yesterday, I may have had one egg total, but could only get down about 1/4 (if that) of the sausage.  Not sure what happened.  It just wasn't going to go down.  I didn't have any issues with it sticking or me eating too fast and I didn't feel full.  I just felt as if I was going to hurl if I put another bite in my mouth.  So I stopped.   

Lunchtime I was fine with a Gorton's Grilled Fillet.  Even added a little "banging shrimp sauce".  No issue.  By dinner time, CME was still at work and the boys were at their Super Bowl Party so I figured I'd just make a protein shake.  I've started experimenting more with these...getting a little braver on my varieties.  I recently discovered that the Almond Joy creamer, though it isn't the most nutritious, it does fit within my guidelines.  So with that, I used vanilla protein powder, light vanilla silk, 1T creamer, 1/2 banana and 6 chunks of frozen pineapple; I was going for that piña colada taste (yes, I know banana isn't in a piña colada, but it gives the smoothie a nice consistency) and was quite pleased with the results.  So pleased, in fact, that I drank all 12 ounces at one time...and within a very short time span.  (Do you see the issue here?)  I drank 12 ounces of a thick, nearly frozen, 33g protien shake in a short amount of time.  And then it hit me.  No...not dumping...sugars were still fine.  But with the small amount of anything else on my stomach all day long, this was WAY too much too quickly.  Foamies happened and I was miserable.  Nothing came up and I'm guessing that because it was liquid that it made its way on through quicker than it would have if it had been solids.  But OY!  Not a pleasant experience.  It was a reminder though that I am still learning and I still need to be very careful in how much I take in at one time, even if it's liquid!

Thoughts
I still find myself hesitant when someone compliments me and then asks me how I lost all my weight.  Why am I uncomfortable saying, "I had gastric bypass surgery."? I'm not uncomfortable blogging about it.  I'm not uncomfortable talking to people who know that I've had the surgery.  I am uncomfortable when someone says, "You look great...how did you do it?" I literally feel a little tightening in my chest before I respond.  I say it with a smile, but It feels like I'm about to bring on a whole new round of judgement from the world.  I H.A.T.E. that.  I wish there wasn't such a negative connotation that goes along with RNY gastric bypass surgery - but there still is.  I see it on the faces of those I tell.  I usually finish the conversation with, 'You know...it's the tool that God's given me that has actually worked.  For that I'm thankful.' I don't know what else to say.  -shrug-

I've had people ask me about all the extra skin.  "So are you going to have surgery for that?"  I don't mind people being curious.  I don't mind those who love me and are my friends.  It kind of bugs me when a random co-worker asks me.  Am I selective in who I want to know what about me and my life?  I suppose I am to a degree - yet here I am blogging about it.  Oh the mixed emotions!!!  And about that extra skin...I don't know if I'll have surgery.  If there's no medical indicators as to why I'd need it (which there aren't now) then probably not.  There is no way that we could afford for me to undergo a cosmetic procedure like that.  And, being as honest as I can be, I wish that was different.  The extra skin is mortifying some days.  I expected it in my stomach - it was already droopy.  I did not expect it in my legs.  Arms?  Yeah, figured I'd have some extra swinging skin.  Didn't expect it to be as much as it is right now.  But all of that is purely vanity, which I need to let go.  I most definitely will take the health benefits of being half the size I was with some loose skin over the alternative! I didn't wear shorts before, won't wear them now.  Didn't wear tank tops before...won't wear them now.  Swimsuit?  Not unless I can find some cute board shorts.  -shrug-  (Obviously as I'm typing this, I realized I need some prayer in this area...that I will not focus on the negatives, but focus on the work that God has done IN me. Thanks in advance...)

What Nots
I realized an NSV today that I didn't even recognize as one until I was talking with the receptionist at my dentist's office.  I've been going to the same dentist office since I was a kid.  The receptionist is the only one I remember.  I'm sure there were others, but as long as I can recall, Connie has been there.  So we were talking today about my surgery, my health and such.  She's trying to get weight off too.  She asked me if I was where I wanted to be weight wise. I explained to her that even though MD won't give me a number that the weight charts say I could still lose another 15-20# and be at the higher end of what's considered normal.  Even though I'm thinner now than I was in high school, I could still lose some weight and be healthy.  I told her that right now I'm in the 150s (WHAT?!?!) and in a size 10 pants that aren't tight.  And here was the unrecognized NSV... I said, "You know it's a pretty awesome feeling to not worry that my jeans will be too tight if I dry them."  Jeans out of the dryer...no falling backwards on to the bed trying to get them zipped.  No deep breaths and half squats to try to stretch them back out before trying again to button them.  Yes, folks, for me that's an NSV!  

Speaking of my dentist...He and I went to high school together (he went into practice with one of our classmates' dad...my original dentist).  Recently he ran across some of my Instagram pictures and was so excited for me.  Today when he saw me, I got that "one arm hug" with an "I'm so proud of you!" comment.  That was a nice NSV too.  :)

And a final "what not"...  later next month (March) I'll be speaking at an informational meeting for bariatric center.  I'm a little nervous and a little excited.  I want to try to help people get past any negative thoughts they might have in general about the surgery.  I want to share my story.  I want to share how God has been faithful through this journey and how He is the one to be given the glory.  Will you be in prayer for that talk?  Will you pray that I adequately answer questions that the people there might have and at the same time be able to speak of our Amazing God and His transforming powers?  I want people to see themselves as God sees them.  I want them to know that they are fearfully and wonderfully made!
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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

PCP and the "Girls"

"Wow!"  

That's what I heard yesterday when my PCP walked into the room for my annual physical.  She looked at me and said, "How long has it been since I last saw you?"  One year ago, she gave me the "thumbs up" for the surgery.  She was thrilled at how well I've done in such a short time.  Again, that puts those days of where I felt like it was going soooo slow into perspective.  It was fun to listen to her remove conditions from my chart:

No longer obese.
No longer hypertensive.  (BP was 98/68.)
No longer on anxiety meds.
No longer needing Tylenol on a regular basis for my knees.

She went on to discuss that this time last year I was 124 lbs. heavier.  She did let me know that my BMI is still a little higher than it should be (27 according to her charts) but that last year it was 47!  Forty. Seven.  Wow!  We talked a little about the "shrinkles" and she said that she knew a few really good plastic surgeons in town, but that she can't document any medical necessity at this point, so she's not sure that insurance would cover it.  (bummer!)  Other than that, I got a "good job" and see you in a year.  I left the office with a smile on my face and an order for my annual mammogram.

So this morning started with a 6:45am appointment for that VERY IMPORTANT (really ladies...do it!) yet uncomfortable procedure.  As I was completing the paperwork, I heard the ladies behind the desk discussing the video America's Crazy Obesity Problem that I actually blogged about last year.  (Read that entry here.) I still cringe thinking about part of that being filmed right here.  It makes me sad to this day.  Anyway, I didn't realize that I'd still be as self-conscious about this procedure as I was last time.  The reasons were a bit different though.  In past, my extra 100+ pounds made me self conscious this time, the deflated girls were the issue.  And by issue, I mean that the tech had to take two extra films of the right size because of the "wrinkle" that was in the way.  UGH!  

Even with the reminder of the video and the inconvenient shrinkles, I wouldn't change this journey at all.  God has given me a tool that actually is working for me.  For that, I am thankful!!!
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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

Bow-legged NSV

One day last week, CME said, "So did you know that you're bow-legged?"  

Really?  I'm bow-legged?  Ummm...no, can't say that I knew that.  Mainly because I cannot remember a time in my life that my thighs weren't rubbing against each other!  Seriously.

I was in marching band in high school and I can remember having to put Vaseline on my inner thighs to make it through practices and parades.  They would still get sore and really red, but at least this way they didn't bleed.  Yes, at one point my thighs bled from them rubbing together.  Nice, huh?  

Anyhoo...I caught a glimpse in the mirror today and had to stop and take a picture.  Can you see it?!  There is a gap between my thighs!!!  I don't know that I qualify as bow-legged, but there is definitely a noticeable difference!  Thank you God for another NSV!

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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

First Post of 2013

So how do I want to start the new year on my blog?  How about a really cool story about how God uses some of the strangest ways to connect people?  

Long story, but I was told tonight, by a stranger [at the time], that God has used my blog to help prepare them for their upcoming surgery.  What an encouragement that was to me!  This person happens to be having surgery next week through the same bariatric center and surgeon that I used and stumbled across my blog from the weight loss surgery forum that I frequent.  So here you have a "local" person find me through the world wide web.  Coincidence?  Oh wait, I don't believe in those...  ;-)

Upon their request, I called this person and we were able to discuss a few questions that were still looming in their mind.  I so remember where my brain was the week before surgery.  I remember just wanting to talk and talk and talk.  (Yes, those that know me know I like to talk anyway...)  I remember the emotions.  I remember the excitement and anticipation.  By the end of our conversation, we had prayed and I let this person know that if they have questions, now or after, that I am just a phone call or text away.  I know the surgery date...and time... (and facility).  I know the surgeon.  And now, I know the person.  They will continue to be in my prayers and at surgery time I will be lifting them all before God.

How on earth does a forty-five minute conversation start with, "Hi.  Is this <person>?  Hi.  This is Deedra..."  then end with, "I love you."?  It's because God connects people...through ways we may never even imagine...and He gives us a love for others that is beyond comprehension!
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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14