Emotional Pitfalls of Weight Loss Surgery

I ran across this article the other day. Though I may not agree 100% with all it says, there are some REALLY good points and perspectives that are spot-on for me - some of it explained better than I ever could. 

PLUS, for those who haven't experienced weight issues or weight loss issues, please understand that when your friend/loved one expresses certain emotions or comments - that they're not looking for you to understand. They're looking for a safe place to talk through it without being judged or ridiculed. 

For those of you who are in this process - you are NOT alone! You're not abnormal in your thinking. 

Emotional Pitfalls of Weight Loss Surgery
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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

Resetting the Mind

Why is it that it so easy to go back to "stinkin' thinkin'" but not so easy to get out of it?

I'm happy to report that I'm still being successful in my eating pattern.  In the past 4 days, I've only had one "unplanned" snack.  And even that I planned at the time instead of grabbing a handful of this or that.  I made my own trail mix of sorts... 1 oz of pecans, 1 oz raisins and 6 semi-dark chocolate chips.  Know what?  It satisfied my craving.  Each morning, I'm still letting God know I choose Him over food and ask for His help.  For me, it's important that I acknowledge where my strength is coming from.  Temptations?  Yep...they're still there... I made a cinnamon crumble coffee cake bread for the boys' lunches this week.  Didn't even have the crumbs.  Food and candy is ALWAYS around work.  Passed it up each day.  I could go on, but you get the point.  So this part of my stinkin' thinkin' is better...identifying bad habits and fixing them.

So what's still lingering?  Those ugly thoughts of body image.  I press on bulges, rearrange the extra "skin" and find myself critical of how things look on now.  CME was a doll last night and did that 'sweep me off my feet' move... picking me up and carrying me.  We then talked about my perception vs his.  I still see areas that have a 'fat' (I hate that word, but can't figure out a better one for here) look... he says it's all skin.  I'm not so sure.  I KNOW that there is a tremendous difference from my "before" and now.  And as CME reminded me, all the excess skin use to be filled with 130+ pounds more fat.  Yes...that's a lot.  And yes, I do recognize that.  I'm still just having a bit of a hard time with the last x pounds I think I need to lose.  Do I really need to lose more?  I don't know, but I feel like it.  I feel like I've not completely hit the mark I should.  I'm up slightly (154) from my lowest of 149.  I keep telling myself if I got back into the 140s I'd feel like I was on target. -shrug-

You may wonder, "What's 5 pounds?"  Well, 5 pounds for me is scary.  It means that I've gained weight.  No, it's not been in the past week...or even the past month.  I was already fluctuating around 151 for the past couple of months.  When I say scary, I mean I hear, "you're on the road to failure...you're going to be THAT person...you're going to fail again..even gastric bypass didn't help...you'll be the person that others will say, 'Deedra gained all her weight back'..." and so on and so on. Yeah...that's the stinkin' thinkin' I was talking about.  In my heart, I know it's not true. I am fighting this battle with the Victor on my side.  And I will be successful with His help.  I need to reset the mind again.  Stop listening to the lies and start remembering I am not defined by past.

So I'm pushing the reset button...ready... GO!

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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

At a Loss for Words

A couple of weeks ago, I blogged about the dad of one of our son's friends.  I found out this evening that he died yesterday morning.  I'm at a loss for words.  He died from complications after his gastric bypass surgery.  I feel sick.  I don't even know how to express all that's running through my head.  I am soooo sad for this family.  I hope that this man was a follower of Jesus (daughter and wife are).  I hope he's rejoicing though the family is mourning. I hope that this man is now fully restored to perfect health in a perfect body.  It will take a long time for the family to heal. Wow.  I'm so sad for them.  I'm so incredibly sad.
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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

I Can Pray

CME and I were at Walmart this past weekend when we were approached by the mom of a friend of our oldest son.  I don't know her exact words, but it went something like this... "I need you to do me a big favor.  I need you to pray for my husband.  He's in the hospital in <city 90 miles away> and isn't doing well."

He had gastric bypass in that city about a week or so ago.  He was sent home, but had a leak, became septic and had a hematoma on his liver.  His kidneys were even beginning to shut down.  She was needing to finish some last minute purchases before school started this morning and then was leaving the kids with friends and heading back to the hospital.  I'm not sure that she knew I had RNY...though I'm guessing she did.  But that's not why she approached us.  She wanted...needed...prayer.  So I prayed with her...right there in the kitchen gadget aisle.  I prayed for complete healing for her husband and for peace for her and her children as they navigate this time. Our son asked the friend today how her dad was doing; she said he seems to be better.  Praise God!  Though I know that prayers are still needed.

I don't really know how to describe how hearing her husband's story made me feel.  Grateful?  Yes.  Saddened?  Yes.  Guilty that God has blessed me and my surgery?  Yes.  Confused as to why others (those who have a personal relationship with Jesus like I do and those who don't) have complications?  Of course.  I am reminded that this family will not have the same experience that I have had.  I am reminded that gastric bypass surgery is not the "easy way" out.  I am reminded  that the gift He has given me is not to be taken for granted.

What I do know is that this family needs prayer.  There's not a lot I can do in this situation, but I can pray.  I am thankful that she felt compelled to ask us.  I am grateful that God has given me the courage to pray in the middle of a public place - not caring what the world may think about that.  But most of all, I am so humbled that we have a Creator that loves us and hears our prayers...always.

So...how can I pray for you?

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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

Blah

I've been wanting to get back to blogging regularly, but man I've been soooo busy.  It's not bad to be busy, but I find that I don't do as well on taking care of myself when I'm busy. I know...big revelation for all of us there, huh?  Life happens and sometimes I pack more stuff into my day than I really should and leave out things that I really need to be doing.  Journaling...blogging...exercising.  Yep, that nasty "E" word is still my nemesis.  I'm walking some..but that's about it.  I do "run" the stairs when I need to go to a different floor at work, but big whoop.  I'm not consistent and I know I need to be; I just can't seem to find the motivation.

Weight-wise, I'm still doing just fine.  On any given day, my weight is between 149# and 152#.  Seems to have plateaued here - which is an okay range for me at 5'6"(ish).  (Still remembering I've got at least 15 pounds of excess skin.)  Problem is that I know I need to be doing weight training.  As I continue to age, good strong muscles will help with better mobility, balance and overall better health.  I know this...yet, I can't seem to find the motivation I need.  I liked when I went to the Body Pump classes, but I can't seem to fit those in any more.  My current work situation doesn't allow for the flexible lunch schedule and getting to the gym after work just isn't happening.  And my schedule is only getting busier as I look ahead.  All good things, really - things that will be feeding me Spiritually (which I am craving), but busier nonetheless.  Maybe I will finally start utilizing the Wii or X-Box.  Something is better than nothing, right?

Blah.  That's kinda how I feel about it tonight.  Blah.  ________________________________________________
"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

The Hardest Thing I've Done

It's 11:30 at night.  Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of the date of my gastric bypass surgery.  My one year follow-up appointment at bariatric center is at 1:00pm tomorrow.  Tonight...tonight I am doing the hardest thing I've done during this whole process.

In February 2012, I posted an entry about Transparency.  It's when I first posted my "before" pictures for the world to see.  I thought that was hard.  And it was at the time.  But what I'm doing tonight is even harder.

Last week I posted about the vanity issues that I need to work on... the extra skin, the veins, etc.  So in an attempt to truly be transparent and let God work on the part of my heart (and brain) that hurts when I see images in the mirror...I'm posting my One Year Post-Op Extra Skin pictures.

Now, being as I know not everyone will want to see these, I'm giving you the option to click on a link to take you to a Picasa album where there are multiple pictures posted.  If you don't want to go to the link, I will not be offended!  (This is your TMI warning of the night!)  Click here: 1 Year Post Op - Extra Skin

Before you go there, the first picture below is me just about a week and a half ago.  The second picture is a close-up of the extra skin on my inner thighs. I thank God for clothes!  

Another consignment shop outfit...less than $10 total!

Sneak Peek Close Up

I pray that God will fully free me from the angst I feel when I see these pictures and the images in the mirror!  He is my source of peace and freedom...I need to be willing to let Him completely set me free from the negative emotions.  

PS - Expect more (clothed) pictures tomorrow...after all, it's my one year surgiversary!!!

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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

Vanity Sucks

Now I know it doesn't help that I'm tired after only getting about 3 hours of sleep after last night's events, but as I was leaving the store this evening I was nearly in tears.  I've mentioned the extra skin before.  It's not a pleasant sight.  There's extra skin everywhere!  My back...yes, my back...my stomach, of course...my arms and legs look like melting candles (got that term from my friend M at our last support group!) and my "girls"...oh my!  This once DDD gal is now in a B!  Very full B with excess skin rolled and tucked ad poked into place, but a B!  There's just a whole lot of skin hanging around. Not everyone has this issue..but I figure that I've been obese for over half my life. That's a long time for skin to be stretched out to its max.

I've got a trip to Turkey rapidly approaching.  I'm blessed to spend a couple of weeks with my "Turkish Daughter" and her family.  As part of the trip, we will be spending time at the Mediterranean Sea.  Sea = water and beach.  Water and beach = swimsuit.  Ugh.  

Before settling on a tankini top and men's board shorts, I entered the dressing room with 3 potential one piece suits...thinking that maybe I could just wear a wrap around my waist that was long enough to cover my thighs.  But each suit was a challenge - tucking the skin in at various places, looking in the mirror and seeing the veins, mainly dark blue/purple, bulging from my legs, seeing my flattened chest and poochy belly.  (The extra skin pooches...what can I say?)  It was hard.  I was sad.  It's the first time I've felt really sad at about how I look now.  I know that's crazy.  I. AM. HEALTHY.  And I truly am thankful.  It's just shocking to see what I can usually hide under clothes.

On a positive note, I'm thankful for clothes!

All-in-all, I'm okay with the swimwear I chose. I will still be self conscious, I'm sure.  It's hard not to be.  But this thing called vanity... yeah it's for the birds!
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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

Scales Don't Define Me

I weigh myself a lot less frequently than I did right after surgery.  Today is a good example why.  I gained 2.2# this week!  I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I was a little freaked out and a whole lot of frustrated!  How in the world does a person gain 2.2# this soon after surgery?  I mean, isn’t my body still in the malabsorption stage? The quantity of food I eat is still relatively small.  What on earth did I do to GAIN 2.2# this week?  Then I realized that I couldn’t even go back and look at my food journal to determine where I went amiss…because I haven’t consistently logged my food the last couple of months.  Sure, I’d log here and there...mainly to figure out how much protein I was getting if I thought I was low...but to put every bite of food/drink that went into my mouth into the log?  Nope, didn’t do it.

So this morning, after the scales made me mad (because obviously it was their fault!), I realized that I am still holding on to some old habits.  Habits that I must change.  I do know that weight fluctuates.  I do know that I could weigh tomorrow and “possibly” have lost the same amount of weight (especially considering the numerous trips to the restroom today) – though I’m doubtful of that.  Know what I else I know?  I know that this gain is not a defeat.  I know that I must make the permanent changes to have a permanent result.  This is not the easy way out.  This is work.  This is hard.  

I know that I am not to take this gift from my Creator for granted! Most importantly, I know that the scale does not define me.  God defines me and I am a work in progress.  I am continually growing and learning and embracing my role as His child…as His daughter. Those are the truths that I cling to.  Those are the truths that define me and that pave the way of this journey.

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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

Not Trying...

For the record, I'm finding it more difficult to "not try" to lose more weight than I thought it would be.  Trying to get in a little more calories.  Trying to avoid the scale.  Trying to not think, "but I wanted to get to 140."  Yes, that's a number.  I gave it to myself.  I'm 17 pounds from that.  I still don't see the results in a mirror.  I still see the "problem areas" like the poochy tummy.  I still think that 140 would be healthy.  Eating a bit more is not comfortable most days.  It's not easy not to try.
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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

PCP and the "Girls"

"Wow!"  

That's what I heard yesterday when my PCP walked into the room for my annual physical.  She looked at me and said, "How long has it been since I last saw you?"  One year ago, she gave me the "thumbs up" for the surgery.  She was thrilled at how well I've done in such a short time.  Again, that puts those days of where I felt like it was going soooo slow into perspective.  It was fun to listen to her remove conditions from my chart:

No longer obese.
No longer hypertensive.  (BP was 98/68.)
No longer on anxiety meds.
No longer needing Tylenol on a regular basis for my knees.

She went on to discuss that this time last year I was 124 lbs. heavier.  She did let me know that my BMI is still a little higher than it should be (27 according to her charts) but that last year it was 47!  Forty. Seven.  Wow!  We talked a little about the "shrinkles" and she said that she knew a few really good plastic surgeons in town, but that she can't document any medical necessity at this point, so she's not sure that insurance would cover it.  (bummer!)  Other than that, I got a "good job" and see you in a year.  I left the office with a smile on my face and an order for my annual mammogram.

So this morning started with a 6:45am appointment for that VERY IMPORTANT (really ladies...do it!) yet uncomfortable procedure.  As I was completing the paperwork, I heard the ladies behind the desk discussing the video America's Crazy Obesity Problem that I actually blogged about last year.  (Read that entry here.) I still cringe thinking about part of that being filmed right here.  It makes me sad to this day.  Anyway, I didn't realize that I'd still be as self-conscious about this procedure as I was last time.  The reasons were a bit different though.  In past, my extra 100+ pounds made me self conscious this time, the deflated girls were the issue.  And by issue, I mean that the tech had to take two extra films of the right size because of the "wrinkle" that was in the way.  UGH!  

Even with the reminder of the video and the inconvenient shrinkles, I wouldn't change this journey at all.  God has given me a tool that actually is working for me.  For that, I am thankful!!!
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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

Letting it Go

Almost a week has passed since I was "enlightened" by the horror story of an acquaintance.  I'd be lying if I'd say I'd not thought about it since.  But I have.  More than once.  Hoping to hear long-term success stories and not getting any replies here or on the forum I visit left me a little despondent.  Almost in a funk, even.  

So, I'm vowing to let it go.  As I've known from the start, everyone's experience in this journey is different.  I can't say that her story would have kept me from having the surgery myself.  So, I will continue to follow the plan.  I will continue to take my vitamins.  I will continue to exercise.  I will continue to pray for C and her struggles.  I will continue to...

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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

A Celebration?

Yesterday finished up our city's 91st annual West Side Nut Club Fall Festival.  We claim (and no one has proved otherwise) that it's the 2nd largest street fair after Mardi Gras.  

When CME moved here he was really confused when I mentioned a festival.  He expected "some" food booths, but was anticipating more of a Festival of the Arts like he was use to in Grand Rapids.   But alas, our city's celebration is not art...no...it's food.  Seriously.  The main theme of the Fall Festival is to fix as many deep fried things as you can possibly deep fry.  Deep fried Oreos?  Absolutely!  Cheesecake?  Without a doubt! Candy bars...key lime pie...pickles...green tomatoes?  Of course!  Deep fried Kool-aid?  What?  Yes! Deep fried Kool-aid.  And this is just a short list of the odd deep fried foods you can find there.  That doesn't even take into account the brats and burgers and pronto pups (they are different than corn dogs) and chocolate covered bacon or chocolate covered crickets.  Yes, I said crickets...as in the insect.  Oh and who could forget the brain sandwiches?  Yes, our city celebrates food.  For many non-profit organizations it is a HUGE fundraiser as well.  I probably wouldn't have gone at all, except that the boys' Scout Troop has a parking lot where we collect $5/car for parking.  It's a fantastic way for our Troop to make money.

Thanks to M for letting me borrow her picture of one of the signs for the Fall Festival!

Here's where I may step on some toes, though it's not the purpose of me saying this.  The place was packed.  The lines at the food booths were long.  I had chili (and one bite of a kraut ball) as it was one of the "safe" options for me to eat there.  But as I stood there I remembered the survey last winter when our town was designated as the most obese city in the USA. (Read that post here: Stupid Reality TV Show)  As I looked around, I felt a huge sense of sadness.  How many of these people were struggling with the hurts I struggled with for so many years?  How many were there eating all the things that they knew were bad for them because it's what our city does? How many diabetics, heart patients, food addicts were ignoring their health to take part in this "celebration"?  Maybe there was no one there that would fall into those categories...maybe I was the only one for all those years.  Maybe.

One side of the street.  The other side of the median was just as packed!

Please do not read any judgement into those concerns.  It's just I know that for most of my life, I was blind to what I was doing to my body.  It would have been nothing for me to consume enough food at the Fall Festival to get a full week's worth of calories in one evening.  Some years I'd go home and beat myself up for eating so much...letting all the worldly damaging words surface back into my mind.  If it was during one of my weight loss attempts, I'd nearly starve myself the following week to make up for my overindulgence. It was another part of a bitter cycle of battling obesity.  Granted, it's a once-a-year event and there are plenty of people who can use self control when there or have no weight or health issues.  Regardless, I'm glad that God has opened my eyes on the damage I was doing to my body.  I hope to never celebrate food again.  I hope to keep it in the category that it was intended: nutrition. 

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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

Update

I know I've not blogged for a while.  It's partly because I've been without words to put down and partly because I've been in a funk of sorts.  The eating has gone fine over the past few days, but the emotions are still kind of all over the place.  


I had lunch with one of my best friends on Friday.  It was nice to be able to go out as "normal".  And I was proud of myself for not feeling cheated or anything like that as I ate my 3oz of chili.  Saturday evening, we attended a backyard BBQ that my boss (well, former boss now) hosted.  It was a nice evening - plenty of food and drinks for the family.  I enjoyed my tuna with a little bit of homemade guacamole mixed with it to make sure it was moist enough.  Again, I didn't really feel cheated, although the peanut butter/chocolate/cool whip dessert was tempting.  I had my protein shake with chocolate truffle protein and PB2 instead.  It worked.


I looked at my education manual again tonight and noticed that the "pureed" stage said that I could puree my own meats, but to avoid beef.  Unfortunately, I hadn't read that part of it previously.  I've had two different things that contain beef - one was the pasta e fagioli soup and the other was a beef burgundy.  I've not had any setbacks because of it (all bodily functions are still normal), but it made me frustrated that I didn't read it correctly.  I was lovingly told that I may be obsessing about it too much, but I really do want to do this right.  I. do. not. want. to. fail.


I go back to work on Wednesday.  Physically, I think I'm ready.  I know there will be a new tired that sets in after that, but it will be manageable.  Emotionally, I'm dreading it.  I'm sure it will be fine, but there are so many changes that I'm not looking forward to.  Maybe just getting back into the routine will help that.  


I've had several comments about the weight loss - how people are noticing it and such.  I still don't see it when I look in the mirror, but I am noticing it in some clothes.  I'll be 4-weeks out from surgery on Wednesday so I think I'll do another set of photos for comparison.  My mirror has lied to me for years...can't really trust it.  But side by side photos I can see.  


All-in-all, I think I'm still just tired, physically and emotionally - which I'm not doing well in overcoming.  I took a nap this afternoon/early evening, but feel like I could sleep for days (uninterrupted)!  I'm told it's normal, but its not something I'm use to.  I think this has been my biggest struggle so far.  I know God will get me through this time, even when I feel like I'm losing the battle.

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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

If I'm Being Honest...

...I'm a bit disappointed.


I had my 3-week post-op appointment today.  I'm officially down 19 pounds.  (My Wii weighs me less.)  I was actually hoping for at least 21 pounds - a pound a day.  I don't know if that's unrealistic or not, but I really had hoped it was more.  I told the nurse that and she said, "everyone says that...but you're doing fine."


The MD said I was right on track and that I should start getting exercise in, but also noted that I need to increase my fluids.  My fluids are all over the board - some days nearly 80oz...others not quite 50oz.  I need to be getting at least 60oz and with the increased exercise probably more like 70+ oz.  The nurse took my BP twice because it was reading low...94/60.  Fluid increase might also help that, but it could also be why I'm still dragging some days.  Occasional light-headedness is happening which again can be attributed to the low blood pressure.  


I know I was warned that the emotional side of this surgery was possibly the hardest part and today, I understand that.  I'm a bit...weepy?  I haven't actually cried yet, but feel like I could at any moment.  I'm frustrated that I feel like I'm running in a circle.  I need to increase exercise but am still tired (though energy is finally getting a little better) and BP is low which can be an attributing factor...and I need to increase fluids...and exercise might help the BP too...


Yes, if I'm being honest...I'm really kind of bummed about it all.

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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14