One thing that I've hidden - to the best of my ability - is my weight. I know that may seem odd because how does an obese person hide? For me, I'd hide behind my hair, a "complimentary" shirt/outfit, or a well-cropped picture. I'd hide some of the hurt and embarrassment with humor or boisterous laughter. I'd hide behind my work-ethic and "Superior" performance evaluations. There are a lot of ways I'd hide...if not to the world, then definitely to myself. Hiding has done absolutely nothing to help me gain control of my eating or obesity. As a matter of fact, it's probably been a contributing factor.
So today, as part of working toward a healthy life, I'm coming out of hiding. Part of my homework is to take a picture of myself before weight loss surgery and jot down feelings I have about myself and the photo. Because I've tried to "hide" behind things in other photos, I had CME take a few shots today. I had on three different shirts (and two different bras!) before I settled on the one below. I have my reasons. I will be taking additional pictures along this journey, but this is where I must start - with total transparency.
Now the hard part...to jot down the feelings associated with these pictures.
-deep breath- Here are my raw, unedited thoughts.
Picture 1
*I'm as wide as the door!
*I would never be caught dead in a sleeveless shirt in public. Ever.
*My droopy stomach is dented in from the jeans. :(
*My wrists are fat too.
*The "if I tilt my head slightly it's cuter than if I face the camera head-on" really is something I do without thinking about it.
*I've often heard, "you've got such a small face" when in all honesty it's not small...it's just not totally in proportion with my body.
*The cross (made by one my sons) on the refrigerator is an awesome reminder that God is with me in this!
Picture 2
*This is why I don't wear sleeveless shirts!
*I also would never wear my shirt tucked in while in public.
*Yes, I have on a bra. (a "humorous" question from CME earlier, but I can't really tell that there is a distinction between my chest and my stomach.)
*My umm...derriere...seems to sit higher than I thought. "Baby's got back...LOTS of it" comes to mind.
Picture 3
*Speaking of derrieres... ugh!
*Fat arms make elbows even uglier!
*My legs are huge.
*I desperately need to do something with my hair!!! :)
So, those are the thoughts that initially come to mind. That's the old me. That's the girl who has been stuck trying to do this on my own for too long. Posting these pictures is scary, but it's also another step toward freedom from the past. Sometimes I wonder if I'm too open about things, but I've determined that if I'm going to get healthy (all aspects of it) then I need to be honest about what's going on in my life. I seriously want to let God shine through this transformation and if I'm not honest about where I started, then His glory will be diminished.
Transparency...where God's light will shine through.
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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14
You know, I didn't see any of the things you saw in the pictures. In fact, I had to go back up to the pictures several times to look at what you pointed out. When I saw the pics, I saw pics of my beautiful friend! I love you and I am so proud of you for continuing on this journey! I am excited to see how God is going to use this to draw you even deeper and closer to HIM! Michelle
ReplyDeleteMichelle - thank you so much. It's because of friends like you that I am learning to see myself as God sees me! To even post pictures like these took a huge leap of faith; trusting Him to use this part of the process to clean out the garbage that I've let creep in over decades! I love you so much and am so thankful that God placed you in my life!!!
DeleteSister
ReplyDeleteYou know that I am not very good at writing things (I envy you that). Anyway, I have nearly cried reading some of your posts. I always knew that you (we) don't like being overweight, but I didn't realize the depth of negative feelings you had about it. Your feelings and my ignorance of them made me sad. However, you are an inspiration to me. Baring your soul like this is very courageous, not even counting the fact that you are doing this! I, like your friend Michelle, do not see what you do when you look at those pictures. But that doesn't matter - it's what you see that matters. I am tearing up know, so just know that I LOVE YOU
Oh sister! I don't mean to make you cry when I write these things. There's so much more than just not liking being overweight, for me. There's baggage from the hurtful words from certain kids in elementary school....you know...the ones that all the girls thought were "it". Sometimes those mean adolescent boys thought it was somehow funny and even "cute" to say hateful things to those that didn't fit the mold. Then there was the baggage of being the fat friend to the cute 4'11" 90# cheerleader-type - the one that got all the attention. And then...THEN there was the baggage from the hurtful and abusive (physical, verbal and mental) first marriage. Top it off with hearing comments from other people as to what they find to be beautiful or amazing, coupled with the smirks and giggles and "oooh...you so fat" comments from the Cambodians, plus that little old Cambodian woman grabbing my fat rolls (yes, I know she probably didn't know better - didn't make the horrifying situation any less horrifying). Yeah, I've got a bit more garbage that I'm trying to rid myself of - not just the weight.
DeleteThe good thing is that through this whole process, I'm actually working toward freedom from that past. I'm not sad. I'm excited! I know that God is working this amazing transformation - from the inside out.
And of course I know you love me! Who else would put up with me for 44 years? Even when I borrowed your clothes without asking, wrote "tattle tale" letters to Mom about you and on occasion still call you Tuna Michael? I'm blessed that you're my sister and I love you VERY much!!!