In the last week, I've had two very special ladies in my life comment on how they are enjoying my blog and that they love the fact that I'm so transparent, or open and honest. Some of that comes naturally for me. I have a tendency to wear my emotions on my sleeve. I don't do a good job of hiding feelings (good or bad - just ask the hubby) and most of those close to me know exactly what's on my mind at any given time. Well, about most things.
One thing that I've hidden - to the best of my ability - is my weight. I know that may seem odd because how does an obese person hide? For me, I'd hide behind my hair, a "complimentary" shirt/outfit, or a well-cropped picture. I'd hide some of the hurt and embarrassment with humor or boisterous laughter. I'd hide behind my work-ethic and "Superior" performance evaluations. There are a lot of ways I'd hide...if not to the world, then definitely to myself. Hiding has done absolutely nothing to help me gain control of my eating or obesity. As a matter of fact, it's probably been a contributing factor.
So today, as part of working toward a healthy life, I'm coming out of hiding. Part of my homework is to take a picture of myself before weight loss surgery and jot down feelings I have about myself and the photo. Because I've tried to "hide" behind things in other photos, I had CME take a few shots today. I had on three different shirts (and two different bras!) before I settled on the one below. I have my reasons. I will be taking additional pictures along this journey, but this is where I must start - with total transparency.
Now the hard part...to jot down the feelings associated with these pictures.
-deep breath- Here are my raw, unedited thoughts.
*I'm as wide as the door!
*I would never be caught dead in a sleeveless shirt in public. Ever.
*My droopy stomach is dented in from the jeans. :(
*My wrists are fat too.
*The "if I tilt my head slightly it's cuter than if I face the camera head-on" really is something I do without thinking about it.
*I've often heard, "you've got such a small face" when in all honesty it's not small...it's just not totally in proportion with my body.
*The cross (made by one my sons) on the refrigerator is an awesome reminder that God is with me in this!
*This is why I don't wear sleeveless shirts!
*I also would never wear my shirt tucked in while in public.
*Yes, I have on a bra. (a "humorous" question from CME earlier, but I can't really tell that there is a distinction between my chest and my stomach.)
*My umm...derriere...seems to sit higher than I thought. "Baby's got back...LOTS of it" comes to mind.
*Speaking of derrieres... ugh!
*Fat arms make elbows even uglier!
*My legs are huge.
*I desperately need to do something with my hair!!! :)
So, those are the thoughts that initially come to mind. That's the old me. That's the girl who has been stuck trying to do this on my own for too long. Posting these pictures is scary, but it's also another step toward freedom from the past. Sometimes I wonder if I'm too open about things, but I've determined that if I'm going to get healthy (all aspects of it) then I need to be honest about what's going on in my life. I seriously want to let God shine through this transformation and if I'm not honest about where I started, then His glory will be diminished.
Transparency...where God's light will shine through.
"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14