A-Weigh We Go

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Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Change of Seasons

Yes, it's that time of year... the time when the season changes... the time when the leaves start to turn and the air gets crisp.  It's my favorite season.  Its time for sweatshirts and bonfires and football!  I must admit, I absolutely love Pumpkin Season....err... Fall!

Seriously though pumpkin flavored everything is upon us!  Everything from pumpkin spice latte's to pumpkin muffins, pumpkin cookies, pumpkin soup, pumpkin shakes... everywhere I look there's pumpkin something!  And it's a weakness of mine.  I did find some pumpkin English muffins which aren't so bad for you...even have decent protein.  Add a small amount (I mean small!) of the pumpkin cream cheese... and yeah, a good mid-day snack.  Less calories than a protein bar I was having and only 2 grams less protein. I will have pumpkin foods...I will just be sure to pick those that are healthy!  I've also been trying this little trick... I bought some pumpkin spice coffee (grounds) and I'm using it like my sweet-tooth satisfier.  I start craving something sweet, I have pumpkin flavored coffee... with splenda and sugar free Italian sweet cream.  The flavor is fine and the calories are a whole lot less than any of the other aforementioned pumpkin goodies.  I have had a Starbucks pumpkin spice late with skim milk / no whip... twice since they've become available.  They're mighty good.  I am, however, intentionally avoiding Culver's Pumpkin Shakes!  CME almost stopped there tonight while we were out, but he passed up the opportunity.  YAY!  :)

As far as the stinkin' thinkin' I had going on... I'm going to sum it up as a "funk" and say that it's getting better.  Still starting every morning choosing Jesus over food, and it seems to be setting my brain in the right mood.  Not that I'm surprised by that.  Still have some self-image issues, but as one of my internet/blog friends (Deniz) reminded me, the extra skin and all that goes with it is a mark of success.  Thanks for those words of encouragement, dear one!

Okay...off to pick up my boys and drive right past that Culver's marquee advertising those disgusting, nasty, oh-so-bad for you pumpkin shakes!  Thank God for seasons!  Thank God for pumpkin!  And thank God for His strength when I'm weak!

"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Resetting the Mind

Why is it that it so easy to go back to "stinkin' thinkin'" but not so easy to get out of it?

I'm happy to report that I'm still being successful in my eating pattern.  In the past 4 days, I've only had one "unplanned" snack.  And even that I planned at the time instead of grabbing a handful of this or that.  I made my own trail mix of sorts... 1 oz of pecans, 1 oz raisins and 6 semi-dark chocolate chips.  Know what?  It satisfied my craving.  Each morning, I'm still letting God know I choose Him over food and ask for His help.  For me, it's important that I acknowledge where my strength is coming from.  Temptations?  Yep...they're still there... I made a cinnamon crumble coffee cake bread for the boys' lunches this week.  Didn't even have the crumbs.  Food and candy is ALWAYS around work.  Passed it up each day.  I could go on, but you get the point.  So this part of my stinkin' thinkin' is better...identifying bad habits and fixing them.

So what's still lingering?  Those ugly thoughts of body image.  I press on bulges, rearrange the extra "skin" and find myself critical of how things look on now.  CME was a doll last night and did that 'sweep me off my feet' move... picking me up and carrying me.  We then talked about my perception vs his.  I still see areas that have a 'fat' (I hate that word, but can't figure out a better one for here) look... he says it's all skin.  I'm not so sure.  I KNOW that there is a tremendous difference from my "before" and now.  And as CME reminded me, all the excess skin use to be filled with 130+ pounds more fat.  Yes...that's a lot.  And yes, I do recognize that.  I'm still just having a bit of a hard time with the last x pounds I think I need to lose.  Do I really need to lose more?  I don't know, but I feel like it.  I feel like I've not completely hit the mark I should.  I'm up slightly (154) from my lowest of 149.  I keep telling myself if I got back into the 140s I'd feel like I was on target. -shrug-

You may wonder, "What's 5 pounds?"  Well, 5 pounds for me is scary.  It means that I've gained weight.  No, it's not been in the past week...or even the past month.  I was already fluctuating around 151 for the past couple of months.  When I say scary, I mean I hear, "you're on the road to failure...you're going to be THAT person...you're going to fail again..even gastric bypass didn't help...you'll be the person that others will say, 'Deedra gained all her weight back'..." and so on and so on. Yeah...that's the stinkin' thinkin' I was talking about.  In my heart, I know it's not true. I am fighting this battle with the Victor on my side.  And I will be successful with His help.  I need to reset the mind again.  Stop listening to the lies and start remembering I am not defined by past.

So I'm pushing the reset button...ready... GO!
"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Successful Day

Today I claim success.  Victory, of sorts.  Though I was under a lot of stress today I did not graze.  I did not make poor choices.  The temptations were there...trust me; sweets, breads, rice.  But I made good healthy choices today.

I fully believe its because I started my prayers this morning with this, "Father, I choose You over food.  I ask that you help me to say no to the temptations."  And I believe with all my heart that He is the reason I was able to do so today.  The cheesecake / pie / desserts didn't even look appealing at lunch.  I chose fruit.  The croissants for the chicken salad looked lovely... but I was satisfied with no bread at all.  Chips?  No thank you.  Salad? Yes, please!

It may seem like a silly post this evening, but it is my way of claiming today.  Of remembering that this gift God has given me is to be taken care of properly.  I am thankful and need to keep focused every moment of every day.  I refuse to let food control me ever again!

Thank you God for answering my prayer!
"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

Saturday, September 14, 2013

This Surgery Won't Cure Your Food Addiction

::taps mic::  Hello...is this thing on??

Yes, yes.  I know.  It's been a while.  I've been avoiding blogging, though I probably needed to write more than anything.  I've always used this blog as a way to get out what's in my head.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  In the midst of it all, I've been totally transparent and hopefully by doing so I was able to heal and overcome the stronghold food has had on my life.  

So what happens when I stop blogging?  The transparency is gone.  The bad habits want to creep back in.  I find myself thinking old thoughts.  I find myself on a familiar road...one that I do NOT want to be on.  I have found myself so consumed with the desire to be "normal" that I am not making healthy choices for me.  How crazy is that?  I somehow think that normal for me isn't healthy.  (just had that thought as I was typing...see why I need to write???)  

I've used the "f" word more recently.  Things like, "I feel fat today."  or "This shirt makes me look fat."  Why have I let that word creep back into my vocabulary?  Even more importantly, why do I believe it???  I'm afraid of the scales again.  Afraid of what they might say.  CME has been great and often picks me up.  Literally.  To try to help me understand reality.  I love him so much!  Even so, those words haven't kept me from making some bad choices. 

Please don't get me wrong, I'm not back at the stage of binge eating or eating until I feel like I'm going to explode.  But I'm not measuring.  I'm allowing myself to have things I wouldn't this time last year.  I'm still watching total sugars, but have been more daring.  I've found myself grazing more again.  Not necessarily bad things, but extra calories I don't need since I'm not hungry.  And when I have those things and I see that someone takes notice...with a questioning look or sometimes even a "can/should you have that?" comment...I feel the same as I use to feel when I'd walk through a buffet line...totally judged.  So then what does that lead to?  Hiding what I'm eating.  (Not there yet, but that's one of the familiar roads I keep staring down.)  UGH!  What an ugly cycle. 

I've said this before too.  This surgery won't cure your food addiction.  Every. single. day. is a battle.  Every. single. day. I have to choose to live addiction free.  I am not healed fully, but that is because I take things back that I gave away.  And that makes me really mad!  I had given all these lies and temptations up...I totally turned them over to God.  And now...NOW...I've taken them back.  Why do I think I need them?  I definitely don't want them! 

So I'm asking for your prayers.  Please pray that I fully allow God to heal me.  That I can go back to the understanding that for me, food can only be my manna.  What I need to survive and thrive.  THAT is my normal.  This journey is a testimony.  One that I've shared often at how His hand has been all over it and that His blessings are evident through it.  I want it to continue to bring honor to Him.  I don't want people to question His strength or His ability when I am the one who is responsible for my actions.  

May tonight be the start of that release... 
"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14