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Thursday, September 19, 2013

Resetting the Mind

Why is it that it so easy to go back to "stinkin' thinkin'" but not so easy to get out of it?

I'm happy to report that I'm still being successful in my eating pattern.  In the past 4 days, I've only had one "unplanned" snack.  And even that I planned at the time instead of grabbing a handful of this or that.  I made my own trail mix of sorts... 1 oz of pecans, 1 oz raisins and 6 semi-dark chocolate chips.  Know what?  It satisfied my craving.  Each morning, I'm still letting God know I choose Him over food and ask for His help.  For me, it's important that I acknowledge where my strength is coming from.  Temptations?  Yep...they're still there... I made a cinnamon crumble coffee cake bread for the boys' lunches this week.  Didn't even have the crumbs.  Food and candy is ALWAYS around work.  Passed it up each day.  I could go on, but you get the point.  So this part of my stinkin' thinkin' is better...identifying bad habits and fixing them.

So what's still lingering?  Those ugly thoughts of body image.  I press on bulges, rearrange the extra "skin" and find myself critical of how things look on now.  CME was a doll last night and did that 'sweep me off my feet' move... picking me up and carrying me.  We then talked about my perception vs his.  I still see areas that have a 'fat' (I hate that word, but can't figure out a better one for here) look... he says it's all skin.  I'm not so sure.  I KNOW that there is a tremendous difference from my "before" and now.  And as CME reminded me, all the excess skin use to be filled with 130+ pounds more fat.  Yes...that's a lot.  And yes, I do recognize that.  I'm still just having a bit of a hard time with the last x pounds I think I need to lose.  Do I really need to lose more?  I don't know, but I feel like it.  I feel like I've not completely hit the mark I should.  I'm up slightly (154) from my lowest of 149.  I keep telling myself if I got back into the 140s I'd feel like I was on target. -shrug-

You may wonder, "What's 5 pounds?"  Well, 5 pounds for me is scary.  It means that I've gained weight.  No, it's not been in the past week...or even the past month.  I was already fluctuating around 151 for the past couple of months.  When I say scary, I mean I hear, "you're on the road to failure...you're going to be THAT person...you're going to fail again..even gastric bypass didn't help...you'll be the person that others will say, 'Deedra gained all her weight back'..." and so on and so on. Yeah...that's the stinkin' thinkin' I was talking about.  In my heart, I know it's not true. I am fighting this battle with the Victor on my side.  And I will be successful with His help.  I need to reset the mind again.  Stop listening to the lies and start remembering I am not defined by past.

So I'm pushing the reset button...ready... GO!
"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

1 comment:

  1. Hey Deedra - I just have to say this - no, no, no!

    That stinkin' thinkin' is NOT you. The Deedra I've come to know and greatly respect is above all a SUCCESS story and in no way a failure, not in any sense. You are no way going to gain the weight back - go girl, and kick those lies into touch.

    I do know exactly what you mean when you mention about the remaining 'fat' bits (mostly loose skin, but...). They are distressing... when you let them be.

    My body is similar by the sounds of things, in that I have baggy, saggy bits which used to be fat-filled and now just annoy me because I can't get rid of them. I go through similar 'should I?' moments and wonder if I should try to lose a bit more weight and if that'll make the flaps and pouches seem smaller. I try to firm up what's underneath, but it (especially the belly region) still isn't what I 'want' to see.

    My logical brain tells me that actually getting rid of this is so much pie in the sky, and no matter what 'fat' there is still left to shed, I'd still have the skin (unless I went for surgery - er, not likely). Guess I've just got to make my peace with it and keep in mind that the fact that I have it at all is actually a mark of success - just as yours is.

    Hugs and peace