::taps mic:: Hello...is this thing on??
Yes, yes. I know. It's been a while. I've been avoiding blogging, though I probably needed to write more than anything. I've always used this blog as a way to get out what's in my head. The good, the bad and the ugly. In the midst of it all, I've been totally transparent and hopefully by doing so I was able to heal and overcome the stronghold food has had on my life.
So what happens when I stop blogging? The transparency is gone. The bad habits want to creep back in. I find myself thinking old thoughts. I find myself on a familiar road...one that I do NOT want to be on. I have found myself so consumed with the desire to be "normal" that I am not making healthy choices for me. How crazy is that? I somehow think that normal for me isn't healthy. (just had that thought as I was typing...see why I need to write???)
I've used the "f" word more recently. Things like, "I feel fat today." or "This shirt makes me look fat." Why have I let that word creep back into my vocabulary? Even more importantly, why do I believe it??? I'm afraid of the scales again. Afraid of what they might say. CME has been great and often picks me up. Literally. To try to help me understand reality. I love him so much! Even so, those words haven't kept me from making some bad choices.
Please don't get me wrong, I'm not back at the stage of binge eating or eating until I feel like I'm going to explode. But I'm not measuring. I'm allowing myself to have things I wouldn't this time last year. I'm still watching total sugars, but have been more daring. I've found myself grazing more again. Not necessarily bad things, but extra calories I don't need since I'm not hungry. And when I have those things and I see that someone takes notice...with a questioning look or sometimes even a "can/should you have that?" comment...I feel the same as I use to feel when I'd walk through a buffet line...totally judged. So then what does that lead to? Hiding what I'm eating. (Not there yet, but that's one of the familiar roads I keep staring down.) UGH! What an ugly cycle.
I've said this before too. This surgery won't cure your food addiction. Every. single. day. is a battle. Every. single. day. I have to choose to live addiction free. I am not healed fully, but that is because I take things back that I gave away. And that makes me really mad! I had given all these lies and temptations up...I totally turned them over to God. And now...NOW...I've taken them back. Why do I think I need them? I definitely don't want them!
So I'm asking for your prayers. Please pray that I fully allow God to heal me. That I can go back to the understanding that for me, food can only be my manna. What I need to survive and thrive. THAT is my normal. This journey is a testimony. One that I've shared often at how His hand has been all over it and that His blessings are evident through it. I want it to continue to bring honor to Him. I don't want people to question His strength or His ability when I am the one who is responsible for my actions.
May tonight be the start of that release...
"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14