I Don't See It
So I had lunch with a friend this week. It had been a while and it was great catching up. I don't even remember how the conversation led to a statement that brought tears to my eyes. She said, "Your weight is such an issue for you that you don't see what anyone else sees when they look at you. You are beautiful and you don't see it."
She's right. I don't. I don't feel beautiful. I don't feel attractive even. I see the fat person that has no self control over food. I see the person who constantly compares herself to other women or is compared to other women. I see the comparison of what the world defines as beautiful (or amazing). I know what the scales say. They say I could easily loose half of my body weight and still be considered "healthy." Half. That's a whole other person. How is that beautiful?
No, I don't see what my friend sees when she looks at me. I see sad.During my lifetime, I've had more than my fair share of meltdowns over my weight. I've let it get in my way physically and emotionally for way too long. I'm tired of my knees and back constantly hurting. I'm tired of being out of breath after the littlest of activity. I'm tired of letting Satan rob me of precious moments because of how I perceive the world to view me. I'm tired of being tired. But most of all, I'm tired of not trusting God to help me get healthy - physically and emotionally.
So tomorrow, December 29, 2011, I am going to be completing paperwork to begin the process of bariatric weight loss surgery. I'll be honest. I'm scared. I'm excited. I'm nervous. I have thoughts go through my head constantly like, "Can I have coffee after the surgery? If not, I better ween myself off now - I can't deal with a killer headache too!" or "I wonder how much more my knees are going to like me this time next year." or "Oooh! That's a cute outfit! I will actually be able to wear something like that!" (yes, that's going through my head too). I really am nervous about what what lies ahead, but am confident that God is giving me the courage to make this journey.
My oldest daughter gave me a wonderful gift this Christmas that will help me when I am doubting or frustrated. It's a plaque that says:
because of you
i am forgiven
all my fear
i have everlasting
peace, joy and love
I CAN SEE
my life is
We'll see where the blog goes, but this life is going to be lived for Him - starting with getting healthy!
(PS - I'm going to need prayer partners for this journey...please let me know if you're up to that task!)
"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14