This Surgery Won't Cure Your Food Addiction

::taps mic::  Hello...is this thing on??

Yes, yes.  I know.  It's been a while.  I've been avoiding blogging, though I probably needed to write more than anything.  I've always used this blog as a way to get out what's in my head.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  In the midst of it all, I've been totally transparent and hopefully by doing so I was able to heal and overcome the stronghold food has had on my life.  

So what happens when I stop blogging?  The transparency is gone.  The bad habits want to creep back in.  I find myself thinking old thoughts.  I find myself on a familiar road...one that I do NOT want to be on.  I have found myself so consumed with the desire to be "normal" that I am not making healthy choices for me.  How crazy is that?  I somehow think that normal for me isn't healthy.  (just had that thought as I was typing...see why I need to write???)  

I've used the "f" word more recently.  Things like, "I feel fat today."  or "This shirt makes me look fat."  Why have I let that word creep back into my vocabulary?  Even more importantly, why do I believe it???  I'm afraid of the scales again.  Afraid of what they might say.  CME has been great and often picks me up.  Literally.  To try to help me understand reality.  I love him so much!  Even so, those words haven't kept me from making some bad choices. 

Please don't get me wrong, I'm not back at the stage of binge eating or eating until I feel like I'm going to explode.  But I'm not measuring.  I'm allowing myself to have things I wouldn't this time last year.  I'm still watching total sugars, but have been more daring.  I've found myself grazing more again.  Not necessarily bad things, but extra calories I don't need since I'm not hungry.  And when I have those things and I see that someone takes notice...with a questioning look or sometimes even a "can/should you have that?" comment...I feel the same as I use to feel when I'd walk through a buffet line...totally judged.  So then what does that lead to?  Hiding what I'm eating.  (Not there yet, but that's one of the familiar roads I keep staring down.)  UGH!  What an ugly cycle. 

I've said this before too.  This surgery won't cure your food addiction.  Every. single. day. is a battle.  Every. single. day. I have to choose to live addiction free.  I am not healed fully, but that is because I take things back that I gave away.  And that makes me really mad!  I had given all these lies and temptations up...I totally turned them over to God.  And now...NOW...I've taken them back.  Why do I think I need them?  I definitely don't want them! 

So I'm asking for your prayers.  Please pray that I fully allow God to heal me.  That I can go back to the understanding that for me, food can only be my manna.  What I need to survive and thrive.  THAT is my normal.  This journey is a testimony.  One that I've shared often at how His hand has been all over it and that His blessings are evident through it.  I want it to continue to bring honor to Him.  I don't want people to question His strength or His ability when I am the one who is responsible for my actions.  

May tonight be the start of that release... 
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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

At a Loss for Words

A couple of weeks ago, I blogged about the dad of one of our son's friends.  I found out this evening that he died yesterday morning.  I'm at a loss for words.  He died from complications after his gastric bypass surgery.  I feel sick.  I don't even know how to express all that's running through my head.  I am soooo sad for this family.  I hope that this man was a follower of Jesus (daughter and wife are).  I hope he's rejoicing though the family is mourning. I hope that this man is now fully restored to perfect health in a perfect body.  It will take a long time for the family to heal. Wow.  I'm so sad for them.  I'm so incredibly sad.
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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

I Can Pray

CME and I were at Walmart this past weekend when we were approached by the mom of a friend of our oldest son.  I don't know her exact words, but it went something like this... "I need you to do me a big favor.  I need you to pray for my husband.  He's in the hospital in <city 90 miles away> and isn't doing well."

He had gastric bypass in that city about a week or so ago.  He was sent home, but had a leak, became septic and had a hematoma on his liver.  His kidneys were even beginning to shut down.  She was needing to finish some last minute purchases before school started this morning and then was leaving the kids with friends and heading back to the hospital.  I'm not sure that she knew I had RNY...though I'm guessing she did.  But that's not why she approached us.  She wanted...needed...prayer.  So I prayed with her...right there in the kitchen gadget aisle.  I prayed for complete healing for her husband and for peace for her and her children as they navigate this time. Our son asked the friend today how her dad was doing; she said he seems to be better.  Praise God!  Though I know that prayers are still needed.

I don't really know how to describe how hearing her husband's story made me feel.  Grateful?  Yes.  Saddened?  Yes.  Guilty that God has blessed me and my surgery?  Yes.  Confused as to why others (those who have a personal relationship with Jesus like I do and those who don't) have complications?  Of course.  I am reminded that this family will not have the same experience that I have had.  I am reminded that gastric bypass surgery is not the "easy way" out.  I am reminded  that the gift He has given me is not to be taken for granted.

What I do know is that this family needs prayer.  There's not a lot I can do in this situation, but I can pray.  I am thankful that she felt compelled to ask us.  I am grateful that God has given me the courage to pray in the middle of a public place - not caring what the world may think about that.  But most of all, I am so humbled that we have a Creator that loves us and hears our prayers...always.

So...how can I pray for you?

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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

LTNS

What is LTNS?  LTNS is "Long Time No See"  But I guess I should have said, LTNB: "Long Time No Blog."

So this is going to be one of those "start typing and see what comes out entries.  Here goes...

Life has been incredibly busy since my last post. (Whose isn't, right??)  I've had 7 appointments with the chiropractor so far.  I'm not done with treatment yet, but the back is definitely better.  There was one day that he was running a little late (RARELY happens with him!) and I was looking at all the posters/pictures in the room.  One of them really caught my attention.  It wasn't any of the ones that show the spinal cord and how the injuries look; it was one titled "Road to Recovery."  What I found interesting about it was that it really could apply to just more than chiropractic healing.  There comes a point in any treatment plan that you have to make a decision - that point where we start feeling better.  We have to decide to continue the treatment plan or not.  I can't tell you how many times I've done this in my life, and this weight loss journey isn't exempt at all.  I've been at that point for a couple of months now.  And unfortunately, sometimes I've chosen NOT to follow the "treatment" plan.  I've not measured, I've not logged and I've made some conscious decision to venture off on my own.  Some of the old thoughts have crept back in and though most days I am strong and push them right back out, there have been a couple of times I've fallen prey to them.  So I'm committing here, publicly, to get back on the path to recovery.  As I've stated before, I am a food addict - still.  But I continue to trust God to help me quickly identify when I'm close to a downward spiral and keep me on the road to recovery.

Lots of changes for our kiddos.  Our oldest daughter just accepted a promotion at the bank.  It's taking her out of her comfort zone and into a whole different division in the company.  I know she's nervous, but I'm so proud of her.  She's always been fearless and incredibly responsible in her jobs.  I'm sure she will rock it!  Our youngest daughter is in the middle of a big transition as well.  She recently graduated from the Surgical Technician program and has been offered a job at IU Health in Bloomington. She's just waiting to hear if she passed her exam or not.  I have all the confidence that she did; she's just feeling the pressure of the unknown.  So proud of them both!  Our oldest son starts high school in two days.  He was fortunate enough to get into one of the top high schools in the country. (Signature School) There's a lot of pressure that goes along with that.  This school is full of honor students...and therefore they truly teach at a level not seen in most other local school.  He is INCREDIBLY smart, but has a history of not applying himself.  I'm praying that his first experience with a test last week (yes, he had summer homework) is a wake up call to the level of effort that is required.  I "think" he gets it; I pray he uses the gift that God has given him! If that wasn't bad enough, CME taught him to shave this week!  Time really does fly!  And our youngest...well, he's not really experiencing change right now, other than not having his older brother at the same school right now.  I'm ready for the boys to be back in school so there is a schedule...and as bad as this may sound, so that I can have a little more influence on what and how much they're eating.  Summertime has proven to be a challenge in their eating habits.  Though we don't really buy junk food...the constant grazing and overeating (in my opinion based on what's missing every day when I get home from work) concerns me.  Yes, they're growing boys, but their habits are being formed now.  

In other news...I just spent two incredibly awesome days attending the Global Leadership Summit hearing inspiring speakers like Gen. Colin Powell, Pat Lencioni, Mark Burnett, Dr. Brené Brown, just to name a few.  The theme throughout the conference was bravery and courage among leaders.  One of the quotes that has stuck with me is actually one from Pastor Bill Hybels: "Every significant vision that God births in you is going to put your courage to the test."  This is so true in the journey God is taking me down.  My courage has been tested through this weight loss journey and through other areas in my life.  The cool thing is that God is faithful in being my source of strength and courage.  He lets me fall off the path and has His hand extended to help me get right back up and on the road He has planned.  Change is scary.  Leading is scary.  Life is scary.  It takes courage that only He can provide.  I can't imagine going through this life without God on my side.

Let's see...what else?  Oh yeah!  CME bought me a new car!  Okay, so "we" bought it... but CME is the one who really put the talk of a new car into an actual purchase.  We traded in our 2004 Kia Optima with over 100,000 miles, a mysterious oil leak and a windshield that would sometimes let the really hard downpours drip into the car for a 2013 Kia Soul with 10 miles on the odometer.  Typically we are not a "new" car family.  We opt for the certified pre-owned versions, but with the rebates and internet price of this car, we got it for basically the same price as the pre-owned version.  One of the things I really like about this car is that it small on the outside, but roomy on inside!  CME actually has some headroom and my Dad (who is clinically morbidly obese) could easily get in and out and buckle the seat belt!  From someone who knows how difficult it can be to ride in small cars and has had issues in past getting seat belts around me, this is a bonus!  I'm averaging 25 mpg in the city...that's pretty darn awesome too!  I'm thankful that God has gotten us to a place that we can purchase a new car at a "top tier" financing rate.  I also credit CME for being diligent in helping our credit scores improve over the years.  TY honey for all the hard work (literally and metaphorically) to get us to this point!  And thank you for your desire for me to drive a good car.  143!

Cereal and I are not getting along.  A few times I've tried cereal with milk and for whatever reason, it doesn't sit well at all. (Happened today even.)  I wonder if it's the liquid/food combo.  I still don't drink with my meals so my brain wants me to think it has to do with milk, but I'm really not sure.  I can eat cereal dry and drink milk alone with no issues, so I'm going with the fact it's not a good combination for me.  Not unheard of for RNY patients and not life altering, just not working for me.  

Still LOVE shrimp.  And I found another really good Spicy Baked Shrimp recipe on Pinterest.  I recommend it if you like spicy!  I've pinned a lot of recipes and actually make some of them. Spaghetti Squash Pad Thai was another one that was delish!  Finding healthy ways to make some of my favorites is actually fun.  :)  Crazy, right?  Healthy is what I'm going for...for me and for our family.  

So there's a glimpse of some of the things going on lately.  Still have a lot on my metaphoric plate, but hopefully I will remember to be healthy in the decisions I'm making.  Physically healthy, mentally healthy and emotionally healthy!  God still has big plans for me and I need to be ready for His call!
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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

Oh My Aching Back

Literally.

I posted on Monday about needing to get more exercise.  Tuesday morning at 8am I bent over at my desk at work and about went to my knees.  OH. MY. ACHING. BACK.

Here it is Friday evening and I've had three chiropractor appointments and am on the mend, but not mended (as my Chiropractor informed me).  Yes, I'm improving, but it's not fixed yet and it frustrates me.  Though it does confirm one thing - that no matter my size, my back is going to go out if it so chooses.  I don't know...I think that maybe I thought some of my back problems of past (seriously...past...as in the last time I even needed to go to the chiropractor was over three years ago) was because of my weight.  But apparently that's not the case.  Sure, the everyday aching for carrying around an extra person was because of the weight, but when it goes out...not so much.

Anyway, I'm on the mend... have another follow-up appt on Monday and am hoping to be in a much better place by then.  Tonight I'm thankful for friends who pray for healing for me and for a great chiropractor who is helping my back get back to a good place.  Thank you, God, for both.

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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

Blah

I've been wanting to get back to blogging regularly, but man I've been soooo busy.  It's not bad to be busy, but I find that I don't do as well on taking care of myself when I'm busy. I know...big revelation for all of us there, huh?  Life happens and sometimes I pack more stuff into my day than I really should and leave out things that I really need to be doing.  Journaling...blogging...exercising.  Yep, that nasty "E" word is still my nemesis.  I'm walking some..but that's about it.  I do "run" the stairs when I need to go to a different floor at work, but big whoop.  I'm not consistent and I know I need to be; I just can't seem to find the motivation.

Weight-wise, I'm still doing just fine.  On any given day, my weight is between 149# and 152#.  Seems to have plateaued here - which is an okay range for me at 5'6"(ish).  (Still remembering I've got at least 15 pounds of excess skin.)  Problem is that I know I need to be doing weight training.  As I continue to age, good strong muscles will help with better mobility, balance and overall better health.  I know this...yet, I can't seem to find the motivation I need.  I liked when I went to the Body Pump classes, but I can't seem to fit those in any more.  My current work situation doesn't allow for the flexible lunch schedule and getting to the gym after work just isn't happening.  And my schedule is only getting busier as I look ahead.  All good things, really - things that will be feeding me Spiritually (which I am craving), but busier nonetheless.  Maybe I will finally start utilizing the Wii or X-Box.  Something is better than nothing, right?

Blah.  That's kinda how I feel about it tonight.  Blah.  ________________________________________________
"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

Battleground

Every day is a battle.  

We just returned from a quick holiday weekend with CME's family in Michigan.  It was a wonderful time with lots of family that we don't see enough and plenty of food.  Not only were we celebrating July 4th, but also CME and his Grampa's birthdays.  There were trays of veggies and dips, fruits, pies, brats and burgers. Though I chose wisely on what I was eating, my eating "pattern" was totally messed up.  CME asked me once if I realized I'd been eating continuously for nearly an hour.  He was right - and yes, I was aware.  I was justifying it in my mind that I was eating veggies...which I was....with a little of the various dips.  But he was right, so I left the kitchen.

My first reaction to CME was that of hurt feelings.  Why did he even notice?  Was he "watching" me?  I'll admit it, I was frustrated.  I knew I was eating...and I knew it had been over a period of time. (aka grazing) The more I thought about it though, the more I realized I needed that reminder.  Remember a while back when I said that even healthy grazing is still grazing?  I cannot fall back into that pattern long term.  I'm not overly concerned about a one-day event like the 4th, but for food addicts (yes, I'm still a food addict) grazing is a slippery slope.  Though first annoyed, I'm glad I had CME there to help me keep things in perspective...sort of like my own personal cheerleader.  I did fine the rest of the weekend and overall am pleased with my efforts, but really need to improve in my self-monitoring and stop justifying unhealthy habits.

I ran into some old thinking while grocery shopping today.  Seriously.  Usually CME and I go together, but he's at work and our refrigerator and cupboards were bare.  I picked up a lot of fruits and vegetables, but I also had things in my cart that I "thought" would be nice for the boys while home this week: key lime cupcake mix (it was on sale!); chips; ice cream.  Then when I picked up the candy bars at the check out line I had an aha! moment.  What on earth was I doing?  The boys don't NEED any of that.  And I certainly don't.  So I got out of line, put the unhealthy junk away and realized that I was falling back into some old patterns...ones that would lead to unhealthy choices for not only me, but for my family.  Another reminder that I need to regain better self-monitoring abilities.  I have gotten a little lax in my food discipline now that I'm 14 months post-op and don't need to lose more weight.  That lackadaisical attitude is exactly how Satan will creep back in and tempt me to go back to an unhealthy life.  That is not an option.  God is in control and He reminds me - through CME and random thoughts - that my life is to bring Him glory; therefore I need to keep fighting the battle. Every. single. day.  

I'm in no way beating myself up about the issue, but just trying to keep it real here and keep myself accountable for all actions; good or bad.  I'm thankful for CME.  I'm thankful that God is so faithful!!  I am blessed.

Family goodies - looks like it's right off Pinterest, yes??

Birthday boys!

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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14