Beautiful

I've been doing more homework.  I told a friend yesterday that, "the homework is awful!"  But really, it's not. It's enlightening and makes me address issues that I've stuffed away into the dark nooks and crannies of my mind. The journey to those places can be awful because it means I'm really having to deal with some of the emotional junk that I'd prefer to either 1) forget, 2) hold on to with vice grips so I could pull it out whenever I want to wallow in it, or 3) pretend it never was an issue to begin with.  I think I'm going to stop calling it homework and rename it  mindwork.  Either way, it's not easy to complete the assignments some days.  It makes certain emotions surface that I had long-thought gone.  I don't know if everyone on this program has the same emotions when they do their mindwork, but in reading and researching what others are blogging about, I've found some pretty common themes.  Some statements that really hit home to me - so I know I'm not totally alone in my feelings.  We tend to grab hold of things we can control; hair, makeup, sometimes teeth (still wish I had the extra money to have them whitened!), jewelry, accessories, etc.  Things that we feel like the world has determined to be "beautiful."  Things that we have actually used as a basis for our own personal feelings of failure.


Here's a peek at where my mind has been previously:

• "Please let me be able to crop that picture so it's a little bit more flattering."  
• "I pray that [friend, relative, co-worker, etc.] doesn't post that picture publicly anywhere!"
• "I'd much prefer to be the photographer...thanks, though!"
• "Table or booth?  Hmmm... booths are nice, but will I fit?  Will I get stuck?  Will I be able to sit in that booth without my chest resting on the tabletop?" 
• "Is this shirt long enough to cover the bottom of my stomach when I raise my hands to praise God?"  (or more times than not) "Oh no!  I can't keep both hands in the air...my shirt is riding up and everyone can see my fat droopy stomach!"  (what an awful way for Satan to lie to me and distract me from my worship!)
• "I hope the chairs and desks are detached at the parent teacher conference.  Otherwise I may have to stand."
• "I can't be the first in line to get food at [wedding, shower, buffet, Scout meeting, reunion...add venue here] because people are going to worry about what I put on my plate in hopes there is enough food left afterward."
• "I can't take my kids on that ride.  I may not fit in the seat and if I do, will the safety strap/bar come down low enough to make sure the kids are safe?!?"
• "I'll pretend to buckle this backseat seat belt - holding it in place - so know one knows that I'm too fat for it to fit." (Thank you, God, that I've never been in an auto accident under those circumstances!!!)
• "That person sitting next to me on the plane is dreading this flight already."
• "Is it okay to use the handicap bathroom stall so I have room to wipe???(ok...so TMI, but it's a thought that has crossed my mind at least a dozen times!)
• "Please don't let anyone ask me a question after I took that ONE flight of stairs.  Please let me be able to have a couple of moments to breathe normally again."
• "Where is the gym for fat people?  Everyone here is already fit!" 
• "If I fall asleep on the beach...someone is going to make a joke about the beached whale and they're going to try to roll me back into the ocean."
• "Every single person that sees me has already determined that I'm lazy or they just play feel sorry for me."
• "Oh yes! I'll go to the store to get that for you...it will give me a chance to grab a candy bar (or sometimes two) and eat it in the car before anyone sees it. And if no one sees it, then no one can judge me for eating it!"

Now I realize that a lot of those thoughts are as far from the truth as they possible could be, but each statement has crossed my mind at least once.  And trust me when I say that this list is only the tip of the iceberg.  Give me a situation and I could tell you what negative and damaging thought is associated with it.


The good thing is that I promised a few friends that I would not only get my body healthy by having this surgery, but that I would work on my emotional self as well.  I'll admit it's easier said than done.  For the majority of my life, my weight and all the negativity around it has been the dominant role of Deedra.  Even when I've had successful weight losses, I've never worked on the other issues that have kept me turning to food.  Food was always a thought on my mind... "What can I eat?" "When can I eat?" "I shouldn't eat that."  "It's not time to eat."  "If I don't eat today and only drink water then when I weigh in tomorrow, I should be slightly less..." (ugh...I just typed that!)


So what I'm trying to learn (trying because it's hard to transform decades of negative thinking) is to search out the positives.  Thanks to a few friends who have guided me to see myself as God sees me.  You see, I know the thoughts above are not God's thoughts.  He says I am beautiful.


THIS is who I am:

• I am God's child. (John 1:12)
• I am fearfully and wonderfully made. (Psalm 139:14)
• I am a friend of God. (John 15:15)
• I have been redeemed and forgiven of all my sins. (Colossians 1:13-14)
• I am free from any condemnation brought against me and I cannot be separated from the love of God! (Romans 8:31-39)
• I am confident that God will complete the good work He started in me. (Philippians 1:6)
• I am God's temple. (1 Corinthians 3:16)
• I am God's workmanship. (Ephesians 2:10)

I found this on the internet (I know...who finds stuff there?!) and thought it was a good insight for any one of us who struggles with seeing ourselves as God sees us.  

You Are Beautiful

God says, “You are beautiful.” 

I say, “No I’m not.”

God says, “Do you think I am a liar then?” 

I say, “Of course not, You are God. 

You do not lie.”

God says, “Do you think I am mistaken then?” 

I say, “Of course not, You are God. 

You do not make mistakes.”

God says, “Do you think you know yourself better than I know you?” 

I say, “Of course not, You are God. 

You see everything. You know me better than I know myself.”

God says, “Do you think I created something ugly and bad when I created you?” 

I say, “Of course not, You are God. 

You create, and You see it is good.”

God says, “Do you think you are more powerful than me? Perhaps I create you beautiful, but you change yourself?” 

I say, “Of course not, You are God. 

How can I be so powerful as to change the essence You give me?”

God says, “When you look at it, what you think about me is insulting. 

You think I am a liar, or mistaken, or don’t know you well, or create bad things, or that I’m less powerful than you.” 

I say, “I’ve never looked at it that way before.”

God says, “Do you listen to other people more than you listen to me?” 

I say, feeling ashamed, “Yes Lord. But I thought they were talking for You.” 

God gives me a look of sadness and frustration that His people do not always speak His words.

God says, “You are beautiful.” 

I say…, and I don’t know what to say. My head, full of contradictory information, feels like it will burst. 

And I know God is telling me something I really don’t want to know. 

It goes against what I’ve been taught. 

I don’t want to know that everything I’ve been taught is wrong.

I reply, saying, 

“Yes God, I am beautiful.” 

I am crying, and I am confused. 

And I feel God will punish me for my pride. 

Yet it is God who pushes and pushes me to see this as the truth.

God holds me in His love and lets me cry. 

“Thank you,” He says. “Thank you for listening.”

PS - I'm mustering up the nerve to take my "before" pictures and get them posted.  Still struggling with the "beauty" in that.  Hope to overcome that soon!

PSS - These two songs are my audible reminders...

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"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14