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Sunday, June 3, 2012


I know I've not blogged for a while.  It's partly because I've been without words to put down and partly because I've been in a funk of sorts.  The eating has gone fine over the past few days, but the emotions are still kind of all over the place.  

I had lunch with one of my best friends on Friday.  It was nice to be able to go out as "normal".  And I was proud of myself for not feeling cheated or anything like that as I ate my 3oz of chili.  Saturday evening, we attended a backyard BBQ that my boss (well, former boss now) hosted.  It was a nice evening - plenty of food and drinks for the family.  I enjoyed my tuna with a little bit of homemade guacamole mixed with it to make sure it was moist enough.  Again, I didn't really feel cheated, although the peanut butter/chocolate/cool whip dessert was tempting.  I had my protein shake with chocolate truffle protein and PB2 instead.  It worked.

I looked at my education manual again tonight and noticed that the "pureed" stage said that I could puree my own meats, but to avoid beef.  Unfortunately, I hadn't read that part of it previously.  I've had two different things that contain beef - one was the pasta e fagioli soup and the other was a beef burgundy.  I've not had any setbacks because of it (all bodily functions are still normal), but it made me frustrated that I didn't read it correctly.  I was lovingly told that I may be obsessing about it too much, but I really do want to do this right.  I. do. not. want. to. fail.

I go back to work on Wednesday.  Physically, I think I'm ready.  I know there will be a new tired that sets in after that, but it will be manageable.  Emotionally, I'm dreading it.  I'm sure it will be fine, but there are so many changes that I'm not looking forward to.  Maybe just getting back into the routine will help that.  

I've had several comments about the weight loss - how people are noticing it and such.  I still don't see it when I look in the mirror, but I am noticing it in some clothes.  I'll be 4-weeks out from surgery on Wednesday so I think I'll do another set of photos for comparison.  My mirror has lied to me for years...can't really trust it.  But side by side photos I can see.  

All-in-all, I think I'm still just tired, physically and emotionally - which I'm not doing well in overcoming.  I took a nap this afternoon/early evening, but feel like I could sleep for days (uninterrupted)!  I'm told it's normal, but its not something I'm use to.  I think this has been my biggest struggle so far.  I know God will get me through this time, even when I feel like I'm losing the battle.

"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

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