Oh where to even start?!? A few things I wanted to get down in writing today, but I'm overly tired from a very long Saturday and the words just aren't flowing like I'd like. So I think I'm going to just makes some random paragraphs... (hey...it happens!)
"Don't lose any more weight." "You've lost too much weight." "You're too skinny." "Are you about done losing weight because you're getting too thin?!" All comments I'm hearing recently. I totally and fully understand that these comments are coming from well intended hearts. They're not criticizing, they're coming from a place of concern. Once I tell them my weight (currently 151.2) and say, "If you didn't know me and saw me, you'd not think, "oh! that girl is too skinny!" I'm at a good place. I'm at a healthy weight. Do I know if I'll lose more? No. It's not even been 12 months since surgery. There is a chance I will still lose weight. I just don't know. Regardless, I'm at a healthy spot now. What this does bring to light is that it's not only MY brain that has to be retrained on what I look like, but others' brains as well! People have only really known me 100+ heavier, so the contrast (especially for those I don't see often) is a bit alarming. The only part of this whole thing that bothers me a little is that I feel the need to explain the days I'm overly tired (like today). Looking tired probably adds to their concern. But the tiredness is not related to the weight loss - yet I feel I need to explain it. -shrug- It's okay. I know that the comments are out of love. I'm blessed!
Support group on Tuesday night was a blessing as well. My friend "M" (that I met because of this blog) was there and is looking fantastic. She looks healthy and happy and it was good to see her! It was "show and tell" night and we all got a moment to share our stories and before and after pictures if we had them. I took a few pictures...a couple from a trip to Cambodia in 2009, one from the summer before I embarked on this journey and one or two others at what was probably my very heaviest. There were reasons I chose each one...but the main reason for the Cambodia trip pictures was because it was a VERY difficult time in my life for a lot of reasons. Mentally the trip was horrible for me. Physically, not much better. There were some really good things that happened, don't get me wrong, but literally, it was the first time that I KNEW people were laughing at my weight. How did I know? Because with their pointing fingers and laughter came the words, "You so fat!" Or there was this little bitty old Cambodian lady who literally started pinching my fat rolls. It was horrifying! In their defense, I (now) know they didn't know any better. In their eyes, I must be wealthy because I had money to buy a LOT of food. I also remember feeling bad for the elephant that I rode through the jungle. I actively searched out the smallest team member to ride with hoping it would balance out the weight enough so the elephant would be ok. True story. Regardless, I look at those pictures now and realize that God has freed me from those lies. I am no longer trapped by the embarrassment and shame of obesity!
Speaking of support group - met a new friend. I'll call her "K". I loved hearing her show and tell story. She openly talked about God healing her mentally/spiritually in order for Him to heal her physically. I was beaming with excitement just hearing her speak of the power of Jesus Christ! She also believes that the bariatric center we chose is wonderful on so many levels. She calls it the "wrap around" program (or something like that) because they address every area...the surgery, the emotional/mental side, the nutrition. I have always given them a lot of credit...and rightfully so! K and I stayed around a chatted after support group was over. Wow! She's a wonderfully motivating person and I am thankful she decided to join us Tuesday night!
Temptations have been presenting themselves to me a lot lately. Maybe they're not new, maybe I'm just more aware of them the farther out from surgery that I get. Regardless they are there. Most days, I do really well in fighting them. Other days it's a struggle. (This is one thing K and I discussed.) Again, I find myself tempted to pick up old habits. In talking with K, I said something that was a revelation to me. I believe Satan would love for me to fail at this. Not only so he could whisper his nasty lies to me and hold me in bondage again, but I believe it's because I've been vocal about this being God's victory in my life. If I "fail" then people may wonder how powerful He truly is. Let me tell you this...if *I* fail, it wouldn't be because God isn't powerful. It would be because I chose to not rely on His power. There's a huge difference! For the record...I have absolutely NO intention on failing!
Part of my tiredness today is because of a very full schedule yesterday. I was up at 5:15am and left the house at 7:15am then didn't get back home until 1:30am this morning; then had to be up and out of the house by 7:00am today! Except for the hour and a half that I was home yesterday afternoon...making a chicken salad...we were on the go non-stop. Freshman Orientation for our oldest son was good for him, but a long repetitive experience for CME and me. The thing I took away this time is that the school's latest Newsweek ranking is #7 in the Nation and #1 in the Midwest. (I don't remember what it was last year...but pretty much the same!) Anyway, after that we helped finish getting things set up for the 911 Gives Hope Guns & Hoses charity boxing event happening later that night. A notable NSV for me came as I (literally) ran up the stairs at the Ford Center multiple times over the afternoon and evening...without even being out of breath! These aren't some little stairs... this is an arena... tall... lots of steps. Yeah...I did that!
Some really proud moments watching CME and our oldest walk around with their VIP Passes. It was a great bonding time for them as they were able to talk with the fighters, hear the pep talks, etc. For an almost 14 year old boy, I don't think it gets much better than to feel extra special as your dad's sidekick! For CME, I think it was a proud moment to be able to introduce our son to so many from the local police/fire/ems community. Our youngest son was camping with Scouts - so it was good one-on-one time for the oldest. After 12 rounds of police vs fire boxing, we helped tear down and count remaining merchandise. Though it was done in record time, it was approaching midnight when someone suggested we all go to Steak and Shake. Though tired, I was okay with going. These are people that CME works with as part of the 911 Gives Hope Board...and it's good to be able to sit down outside that venue and share some "friend" time.
My final thought on the night is a victory that I'm claiming! As the 15 of us are sitting around Steak and Shake, I really thought I wanted the Cheddar Scrambler. I thought I wanted eggs...and cheese...and well, it just sounded good. Know what I ordered? A banana. Yes, I went to Steak and Shake and ordered a banana while everyone else had milk shakes and burgers and fries and chili and eggs. Yes, I had two bites of CME's meal (it had eggs!), but I enjoyed my banana! It tasted good! It was a sweet victory for me - may seem like a silly thing to be excited about but I am. It's the little things that make me smile some days. Today, it's a banana...
"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14