I'm not exactly sure how to put into words all that I've felt over the past 24 hours, but I'm going to try.
The clear liquid thing didn't really start bothering me until about 3:30 this afternoon when I was physically hungry. I had sugar-free jello and water and clear juice and black coffee (ok...so I added sweetener - but it was allowed), and still I. was. hungry. I waited for a while to make sure what I was feeling was physical hunger and not my mind playing tricks on me. And then I got a bit...what's the word??? Moody. I can't describe the mood really. I wasn't mad. I wasn't sad. I was just in a funk.
Then a little after 4:00 I got this overwhelming sense of ... well, it wasn't fear or anxiety... it was just an overwhelming sense of overwhelmingness (I tend to make up words when I don't know how to describe certain things.) It was so overwhelming that I had that, "oh my gosh I'm going to cry" feeling. So I closed my eyes and took several deep breaths. I let some truth accompany the air that entered my body. Truths like, "You will be fine...God is on your side." "You are not in this alone." and "You can do this!" Seriously, I was much better afterward. No tears even left my eyes!
I found that whole thing a little odd, because I really am excited about tomorrow. And I don't feel like I'm stressed about it at all. I've had a few people say things like, "I don't know how you can do it." or "Glad it's you and not me." But even that doesn't bother me. I know that the strength I'm getting is from the Lord. I certainly know it's not of my own!
Tonight is a bit better. I say a bit because I'm not on the verge of tears. I heated up some chicken broth for dinner and CME took the kids out for sushi. Though I know there will be plenty of times that they will eat things I can't - CME thought it probably would be best that I not go tonight. I think he's right. My emotions are a tad on the fragile side. I'd like to think I could handle watching them eat a meal that I'd love, but I'm quite okay not testing it tonight. I'll have plenty of tests later. Packing my bag for the hospital was even a difficult task for me to complete. Not sure why, but I struggled with what to put in. I was consciously telling my brain: 2 pair of underwear... 2 pair of socks...2 t-shirts...comfy work-out type pants...contact solution and holder... then in the morning... tooth brush and toothpaste and hair brush. Do I pack my blow dryer? Of course I don't pack my blow dryer - I'm not going to use it. Or am I going to use it? Oh gee... blow dryer or no blow dryer? (for the record...no blow dryer, but I threw in a head band and a pony tail holder.)
Add to that figuring out how to get kids where/when; who to have CME notify once I'm done, opening my refrigerator and cabinets multiple times to try to decide if I have enough stuff for my post-op time home. Realizing I've still not finished my 2-week meal plan and that I've got to use that special soap and bathe tonight and in the morning...and...and...and...
Luckily I have a ton of prayer-warriors lifting me up before our King. I've had multiple text messages and calls and know that each person will be praying for me, for the doctors and for my family. I couldn't have a better group of people surrounding me with love. I am blessed!
I'm planning on making it an early bedtime tonight. I think the extra sleep will do me some good. But my plans don't always go that way...and who knows if I'll sleep anyway or just lay there. We'll see...
I was reading a book on my Kindle and one of the things that stuck out to me was this line, "Your mind is the biggest weapon in your arsenal for this process." And boy is that true! I've actually found myself having stupid thoughts like, "if I had <insert non-clear liquid food here> then I wouldn't be able to have surgery tomorrow...is that so bad?" Seriously. I. want. this. surgery. Why is that thought even there?!? Why have so many destructive thoughts been allowed in to my mind over the past decades? My mind is a weapon and it can either be used in my defense or used to destroy me. When my mind focuses on God, then it will definitely be used for my defense.
"I praise you [God] because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14